(Closed) Need advice on attending a DW.

posted 7 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 3
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh wow! I can’t believe they changed the date for you! That puts you in such an awkward spot :(. It’s definitely an investment in your friendship if you go, but I’m not saying that you necessarily should. If you guys decide to not go, I would be very honest with him and say that you just can’t swing it on such a short notice with your wedding coming up.

And I doubt he would get you a $2k gift. That’s definitely a rule of thumb, but in this case I would think that it would apply more to the gift that you actually get him, and not the travel costs. Many people planning DWs assume that you’re treating it as a vacation, so they wouldn’t see that as an extra ‘gift.’

Post # 4
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It sounds like if you don’t go, they will take it very personally since they see you as someone who spends money on anything/everything you want to do. The truth of the matter is that people spend money on what they want to spend money on. They find a way to budget for those fun weekends, expensive dinners, etc, if thats what is important to them and it’s really not anyone’s business.

My Fiance and I are in a similiar situation. His brother was married last year with a very small ceremony, which we spent about $2,000 to attend (flights/hotel/attire/gift). They decided (with very short notice) to have a vow renewal/reception this year and positioned it 2 months in front of our wedding date. It’s going to cost us another $1,500 to attend, but we’re going. It’s horrible timing, but we love them, and it’s not something we feel like we could miss. Like you, we’re paying for our wedding ourselves, and even though this set us back unexpectedly, in the long run I would feel more guilt about not going than happiness for saving that $1,500.

I don’t think anyone can tell you what you should do. You understand your finances, wedding budgeting and friendship with your friend better than us. If you don’t go, obviously send them a gift and maybe offer to help do other little things to help them prepare for their big day so that they can tell you DO CARE about them and it really is just bad timing all around.

Best of luck deciding!

Post # 5
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Is it possible that the date had to change for another reason, and your friend casually mentioned that it had changed, and then added the bit about being “for you”? because I can see someone saying that, if the only reason you had given was that you were unable to make it because of a conflicted date.

I don’t think you need to go, just tell your friend that you are so happy for him, wish you could be there to celebrate, but that with your own wedding coming up, the airfare just isn’t in your budget. Send a nice gift, offer to take them out to dinner somewhere local to celebrate after they get back from the honeymoon, and don’t feel bad about it.

Post # 6
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Dude, asking anyone to pay that much money to attend a wedding is just too much for me. I know Destination Wedding are popular, but it still doesn’t mean that people can afford to go. Just tell him you can’t afford to go and you’re sorry they moved it for you. It’s just not possible. Send him a gift, call it a day.

Post # 7
Member
2407 posts
Buzzing bee

I can’t speak for your friend but I as someone who is having a Destination Wedding I would not be hurt. Most of us who go this route understand that not everyone can make it. Just explain to him that you and your Fiance ran the numbers and concluded that it wasn’t feasible to attend because of your own wedding. 

 

Post # 8
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with someone else said – maybe they changed the date for other reasons and just said it was for you??

In any case, also as someone who is having a destination wedding, I very much expect that many of my friends will not be able to attend my wedding and understand 100%.  I don’t expect friends to break the bank to come to my wedding.  I also don’t expect my friends who are coming to give me a gift at all.  We have been telling our friends no gifts needed as they are gift enough! ๐Ÿ™‚ 

As far as time they gave you though, I say that is plenty of time.  I am having a destination wedding almost 8 months exactly from the day I got engaged.  No one should break their own bank going to a destination wedding and if it isn’t doable in 8 months then don’t kill your bank account trying to make it happen ๐Ÿ™‚  (especially when you have your own wedding to save for)

by the way what is a destination engagement?

Post # 9
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

also on the 2k gift, no I don’t plan on giving anyone who attends our wedding a 2k gift if they get married in the future. 

I would say almost every wedding I have attended has cost me about 1k unless it is in my state.  (flight, hotel, food, dress, gift) and I don’t expect 1k gifts from them.  If I traveled with my fiance weddings generally run around $1.5k for a weekend for us.  I wanted to be there and spending that money was something I wanted to do for my friend.  That is just a part of going to weddings.  I doubt any of those people are going to send me gifts equivalent to my travel! ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Post # 10
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m with SuperKate… as someone who is having a Destination Wedding wedding myself, part of the deal is that not everyone can make it. It is a financial burden and those that can afford it, will come, and those that can’t, won’t.  Choosing to have a Destination Wedding means you can’t take it personally when people can’t come. I’m sure your friend will be disapointed, but if he’s a good friend, he should understand. 

And as far as the $2k gift goes…. well,I have been to three international Destination Wedding weddings, and I do not expect any of those people to get me a gift that cost anywhere close to what I spent to go.  Nor am I planning on giving gifts of that amount to the people that come to mine…. I would never include my own travel and accomodation costs into the amount I spent and expect to receive in the future.  Like ColoradoLuv said, unless it’s an in state wedding, each wedding i have attended costs about $1k when you add up all the expenses. It is just part of going to weddings, and if I can’t/couldn’t afford to go, I wouldn’t ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Post # 11
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just like PP have said….I am having a Destination Wedding, and if a friend explained your situation to me, I would not be upset if they did not come.  I certainly don’t expect anyone to alter their lifestyle to save up to come to my wedding.  Granted, I am hoping that my guests also treat my wedding as a vacation, but if someone said to me “Hey, I can’t make it because it is too much money,” that is totally understandable.  

On that same note, there are a few people that we absolutely wanted at our wedding (family, BM’s, GM’s).  If any of THESE people said they could not make it, then we might have looked into helping them financially and/or changing our plans.  

 

Post # 12
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Fwiw, I don’t think that giving a date almost a year ahead, to save to attend a destination wedding is that unusual.  I certainly do not think they are being unreasonable, and it sounds as if they really love you and hope you can attend and be a very special part of their wedding day.  I have been to several destination weddings and all the warning shot/notice was about six months ahead to plan, on average.  So them telling you almost a year in advance, is really nice.

What I’d do if $ and budget were of great importance to me, is to find out the exact location of the wedding, and pick out a nice hotel from priceline in same exact area to save $ on lodging expenses and for airfare or begin shopping airfare asap.

The dollar goes quite a ways in Mexico too.  What I might do, is go to a local artisan or vendor WHEN I got to Mexico, to buy their wedding gift b/c of the amazing dollar to peso exchange.  That way they’d get a personal, handmade gift to remind them of their wedding and you’d save $ too and also be able to attend.

 

Post # 13
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

9 months is short advanced notice of a DW?  I thought that was pretty rule-of-thumb?

If you can’t afford it because you’re saving up for your own wedding, why not just say that?

Post # 14
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

i am planning a Destination Wedding and have had to deal with several really close friends telling me that they are ARE 100% coming and then turning around (recently) and telling me they can’t anymore.  from my end, it does suck, i AM a little hurt, and its frustrating.  BUT i am not mad at them. i know when i get to my wedding, i will be happy with who is there and will not let anything affect my friendships with those who couldnt make it.  i knew from the beginning that i could not expect anyone to come, even my bridesmaids.  the frustrating part for me is that these people told me over and over again they are 100% coming and wouldn’t miss it for anything. anyway, in your situation, i think it will be a little awkward because of the date change thing, but in the end it depends on how much this guy values his friendship with you as to whether he will let it affect the friendship if you don’t go.  he may be defensive and blame you for changing his date, or he may realize you never said you could go for sure.  i can’t say how he will react because i dont know him.  but i wouldnt fork over that money just out of guilt or obligation.  i know i wouldn’t want people at my wedding who resent me for being there.

as for the gift thing, i dont think you even have to get them a gift. maybe if you don’t go, it would be nice to get a gift. but i strongly people that couples who do DWs cannot expect gifts, especially from the guests who ARE attending!  for me the friends that are coming, their gift is them coming! 

The topic ‘Need advice on attending a DW.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors