(Closed) [deleted]

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Truth is, no one knows what’s going on with that family besides them.  The only thing you really can do is ask them about it and it does not need to be “confrontational.”  You’re all adults.  I would just have your Fiance nicely ask if there’s a reason they have been offstandish and if he still can commit to the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s not fun, but it’s sort of right.  There are things my husband lets his family get away with that I necessarily don’t agree with, but it’s not my relationship to maintain.  Right now it sounds to me like this doesn’t involve you; it’s your Fiance that’s hurt.  And he has to be the one to worry about that.  I know it bothers you — I get that.  It’s just that if he’s not willing to do anything about it, then it’s not your place either.

Post # 6
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Oh, I’m sorry. That sounds so ridiculous! It’s so awkward/hurtful when a portion of your family sections themselves off from the rest of the family, so I feel for your FH. 

I wish I had better advice, but all I can really say is that I’d stop expecting anything from them. It sounds like you have, but your FH is still hopeful. Understandable, definitely, but it doesn’t sound like they’re going to be coming back down from Crazy Mountain anytime soon and holding any expectations of their behavior will probably just lend itself to getting hurt again.

About sending an email to FBIL– I don’t think it’s inappropriate to send an email worded like your sample. It’s innocent, non-confrontational, and still gets the point across and allows you access to information. If he answers you, I guess, since you were saying he doesn’t answer emails really. But anyway, something non-confrontational like that is the best way to go about it, especially so that you don’t upset your FH somehow by emailing.

Post # 8
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

They seem like they are NOT doing well. I wonder if W has post-partum depression, or if one or both of them didn’t really want to have a kid.

You can’t fix the relationship between A&W and your FI’s parents. That’s for them to work out (although it is 100% OK for you to look at it and think that they’re being crappy adult children)

As far as your actual wedding goes…I would have every system in place to have someone else be ready to step up as the best man. I think your instincts are right, that your Future Brother-In-Law probably will disappoint your Fiance, and so you need to take whatever steps you can to minimize the disruption to your event. Their drama should not be center stage on a happy day for the two of you. If that means emailing him to ask what he’s thinking about for the bachelor party (and/or any other wedding related stuff), I think that’s fine. Information gathering in that case is totally acceptable, as is disseminating information early and often. (This is the schedule for the wedding day. Just as a reminder, this is the schedule for the wedding day. Future Brother-In-Law, we’ll see you tomorrow at 10AM when everyone is gathering.)

BUT. I know you aren’t going to want to hear this, but ultimately, for the wedding and beyond, your husband-to-be is going to have to take charge of that relationship, not you. I know you said that he’s non-confrontational. But sometimes it takes people flaking out on major events for non-confrontational people to realize that a relationship is really broken. You can provide whatever sort of evaluation of FBIL/FSIL’s behavior that you want (and I would be loud and clear about it — they seem like a hot mess) — but ultimately, your Fiance is in the driver’s seat with his relationship with his family. (Your relationship with his family is completely yours to negotiate, though, and if they screw things up with YOU, you can feel free to tell them about it.)

Post # 9
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Not sure what’s gong on, but here’s a big *hug*, now lets go have a drink!

Post # 11
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@vorpalette:  I almost wonder whether A isn’t spending much time with your FI’s family because he’s embarassed to be around them with things so weird between him and his wife and his kid. I totally don’t know these people, and I’m remembering the post from earlier, but it really sounds like things are just bad with them and they aren’t functioning very highly right now. (Which sucks in terms of your wedding and A’s relationship with his family, of course, but…)

I wonder what it’s like when they’re at W’s parents? Have your FI’s folks talked to her folks about any of their concerns?

ETA: Sorry for keeping the thread going if you’re just as happy to let it die. But my brother and SIL are totally nuts themselves, and so I do a fair amount of processing with my folks about WTF is going on there.

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