- 10 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
Hopefully I don’t confise the situation more than I have to, but this is a pretty convoluted issue that my fiance and I have tried to ignore thus far. Unfortunately, we cannot put it off much longer and so I would like some opinions!
The issue is around feuding parents/step-parents on my fiance’s side and I would like to know how to arrange the processional and seating for the ceremony. I’ll just give you a brief back-story, only because it has been almost 14 years in the making and I honestly don’t understand why things have gone down the way they have since no one talks about it. I’ll just tell you what I know based on snippets of information that slip out once in a while…
My fiance’s parents divorced due to differences they could not overcome when fiance was 11 but they remained close friends and supported each other while raising fiance and his older sister. Fiance’s dad even played father figure to a baby fiance’s mom had after they split. Things sounded peachy, right?
Fast-forward to almost two years later and here comes the person who would become fiance’s stepmom. She and fiance’s dad met while working at the same place and were married shortly after. Fiance has told me stories about how nice and loving she was up until the point they married, at which time she turned into the ultimate “evil stepmother.” Almost immediately, fiance and his sister (along with their dad) were no longer allowed to see biological mom. She even went as far to tell the kids that she placed a restraining order against her and that if they tried to see her she would be sent off to jail. Imagine telling a twelve year old that he can no longer see the only mother he’s ever known! To make matters worse, fiance’s dad made no attempt to rectify the situation and put this new “mother” in her place (he has no backbone, and is the main reason fiance’s parents divorced). — Fiance has said many times that he despises his stepmother for what she did and is also very angry with his dad for letting it all happen.
It gets fuzzy at this point because as you know there are two sides to every story. Why biological mom didn’t fight harder, I don’t know. There are some things I can guess at though based on observations I’ve made over the last four years.
1. Fiance’s stepmom is VERY controlling and jealous and loves to backstab everyone (including fiance) to get what she wants. She even gets jealous when my parents do things to help us out…like pitch in with wedding-related costs, etc. I remember last Christmas, when stepmom poked fun at the fact that my parents had bought us a large ladder for our recently-purchased home — what nerve, we happened to be very grateful for the ladder because they knew it was something we needed and we now use it often. She thought because it wasn’t a “fun” present (whatever that means!) that it wasn’t a good present. The funny thing is though, that they rarely offer to help with anything. We never ask either my parents or his for any help but it is my parents who offer their help and support, only to be beraded by a woman who acts like she could care less about things. She has never even asked us how the wedding is coming along and downplays the fact that my parents are helping to pay for it. Hive, I’m not dumb, I realize this is a defense mechanism, but we are also adults and should act as such.
2. Fiance’s father is a good man, but lacks the qualities necessary to properly deal with the situation. He’s basically gutless and can’t ever stand up to stepmom, even when the rest of us are visibly annoyed with her antics.
3. Fiance’s biological mom has tread very lightly with fiance. I get the feeling that she doesn’t want to smother him and risk losing him again. As a result, she doesn’t speak up about things very often. She also is fairly low-income. I realize this may be way out in left field, but I think this might be a reason she had difficulty fighting for fiance and his sister when this all first happened. I don’t think she had the finances to seek legal action. I can’t judge, I’ve never been in this situation and honestly don’t know how I would handle it.
So this is the point where all this drama affects our wedding. A couple years ago, my fiance got the courage to get back into contact with his biological mom. This took a lot for him to do, as he was risking losing his relationship with his dad. To no one’s surprise, when stepmom found out she gave fiance the silent treatment for a month and enlisted his dad to call fiance and berate him for talking to that “c***” (biological mom doesn’t have a name in their house, she is only referred to as “the c***”). Regardless, fiance held his own and they speak to him now, but he isn’t allowed to mention his mom’s name around them. Happily though, he has reestablished his relationship with his mom and could not imagine her not being there to see us get married. I also love her very much and feel that it is important for her to come.
I am afraid that when fiance’s dad and stepmom find out that his mom will be at the wedding that they won’t come. My heart would break if this happened because I know fiance would be devastated if his dad wasn’t there for him. Fiance has said many times that he could care less if stepmom comes, he has so much hate towards her for the way she treated (and still treats) him that he actually wishes there was a way to make her stay home while still having his dad be there. We both know this is never going to happen though. Stepmom would never allow fiance’s dad to be in the same room as fiance’s mom without her there to supervise.
I realize this may be a long shot but, in the event they DO come to the wedding, how do we seat them? This will be my only concern because I can’t make them come, so I can only plan for if they actually do.
I would really like to honor my mother by having her walk down the aisle in the processional with one of the ushers. That makes me want to honor fiance’s mom in the same way. She has gone through so much, I think it would mean the world to her to be a part of our special day in this way. That leaves fiance’s stepmom. Although she has caused many issues, I can’t justify being rude and not including her as well if we are including both biological moms. Should we usher her down the aisle in the processional, and if so, how do we do this, and in what order? Also, how to we seat both his moms? We would both like fiance’s dad and biological mom in the front row, but obviously this is very unrealistic to seat these three in the same aisle. It is going to be difficult enough having them in the same room, let alone five feet from one another.
Please, help me figure out a good way to address this situation while still looking out for fiance’s feelings (and also our stress levels on the big day). I should also mention that stepmom and mom have NEVER met. How weird to absolutely hate someone you don’t even know. I’m completely at a loss and fiance is scared to tell them about this because he is afraid to lose his dad.
What should we do!?!?