Post # 1
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
Hi bees! First, I want to update you all on my marriage. I posted the beginning of this year about some concerning behavior from my husband. All of your responses helped me realize how bad things had got with us and have helped us have a lot of difficult but necessary conversations. We are so much better now, and getting better everyday. With that said, on to the advice I need.
I’ve mentioned my history of sexual abuse on here a few times. I was abused by my father and I am still in contact with him. I have been in and out of therapy my whole life. My husband and I live across the US from him and my mom. They are having a family reunion on Labor Day, which they have done for about 10 years and I’ve not been able to make it back for it. Dad called me on Saturday and offered to pay for our flights home for this reunion. We spoke about it and decided that my husband would come with me and we would board our cat Wally for the weekend. We got the tickets, and Dad said we could stay at their house……the very same house where some of the abuse took place.
My husband and I talked and decided it would be best for me and us to stay in a hotel. So we booked that last night. I feel better about the trip knowing we will be staying in a hotel. However, I do have general anxiety about going at all. I didn’t sleep well last night, woke up covered in sweat, and I only remember that my dad was in my dream, not what happened in the dream.
I’m looking for advice on dealing with this anxiety. The fact that this is so short notice doesn’t help give me time to sort through my feelings. I feel like I need to go due to the health issues of one of my brothers, this might be the last time all of Dad’s kids are together at the same time.
I keep reminding myself that I am not that little girl anymore, I am a grown adult in control of my life. That what happened in the past, is in the past and not happening now. Any one have any other ideas on ways of dealing with anxiety?
Post # 2
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
First, I would suggest you get in touch with someone, like a counsellor or therapist, immediately, so that you can glean some methods of coping for this coming long weekend.
It sounds like you’ve got an incredibly supportive DH, which is amazing. But I think you need to set some boundaries off the bat and stick to them. Are the festivities happening at his house? I think you should do whatever’s necesary to stay as far away from the home as possible. I also think you should make sure your DH doesn’t leave you alone the entire time; you’ll need his support and you dont want to be backed into a corner to deal with stuff when he’s not around or you’re not prepared.
Be mentally prepared to step away from the whole thing if it becomes too much for you. Have some prepared excuses, headache, migrane, cramps, emergency call from work, whatever, so that you can make a fast exit should you need to. Make sure DH always has his phone on him and that if you get separated, he checks it frequently so you can text him if you need to leave.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t go. I think you’re putting yourself in a position that you’re perhps not mentally ready to deal with and that may cause some unexpected feelings to surface that you’re going to have to deal with all while this party/festivities are going on.
Post # 3
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
lostinparadise19 : Thank you for your reply. If I had the choice, I probably wouldn’t go. However, with the plane tickets and hotel being paid for, I don’t feel like I can say no at this point. I also think it may be good for me to go, as I can’t hide from that place forever. Yes, my DH is wonderful for going with me and has been very supportive. I don’t think the reunion is at their house, but I will be there at some point. I don’t have a counselor or therapist at the moment to reach out to, unfortunately.
I will talk to DH about exit strategies, we are pretty good with that anyway. The phone thing is good as well.
Thank you again for replying.
Post # 4
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
babygrandmabee : Take care of yourself and remember to put YOUR feelings first. You’ve gotta do what you gotta do to protect yourself.
I understand not feeling like you can back out, its a tough situation to navigate. The other idea may be to make some alternative plans during the weekend so you’re not with the whole family ALL the time. Maybe find a trip you and DH can do, maybe into a major city to see a show or a museum or something like that, so that you have a bit of a break to look forward to that will keep your mind off the anxiety as well. See if you can make breakfast plans with an old friend or maybe at a great restaurant that you and DH can enjoy together.
Best of luck OP!
Post # 5
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
lostinparadise19 : Thank you for your advice! Those are good ideas.
Post # 6
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
I’m so sorry. I have anxety as well, and one thing that helps me so much is what my counselor calls 4-7-8 breathing. It’s so useful when you’re in the throes of panic. Deeply inhale for 4 seconds, hold it for 7 seconds and then exhale for 8 seconds. It won’t be much use if you’re in a full-blown anxiety attack, but when I notice my anxiety starting to flare up, I find it very helpful.
Post # 7
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
greeneyedgal13 : Thank you for this suggestion and replying! I haven’t yet experienced a full blown panic attack, just anxiety all the time and trouble sleeping. I do deep breathing, but haven’t heard of this exercise and will definitely be trying it. Thank you!
Post # 8
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
bumping this to get some more thoughts from evening bees