(Closed) Need advice on how to be drama-free

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s REALLY hard to change your personality, you are who you are. However, you can try to pay more attention to your actions and change your ways. Slow down, listen to yourself, think before you speak. Don’t just react, take a step back, breathe and clear your mind. Think about WHY you do the things you do, where does it come from, what could you do differently? It’s tough, but just being aware of it and knowing you want to change is a really good start!!

 

 

Post # 5
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I was never really a good girlfriend at all. I’d been trampled on by many ex’s so I was always jealous and well just not very nice.

Eventually though I realized I didn’t want to be miserable jumping from relationship to relationship. So I did what you are doing now.

And what happens, the reason that it seems like so many relationships are great in the first few months then things get bad… You loose the beginning stages. You stop caring what the other person thinks. You let your guard down and stop trying to impress the other person. You let them see your bad side and all the time instead of trying to hide it.

So while I worked on my “bad side” internally, I also did what I could to keep the beginning stages alive as much as possible. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and are so wonderful together because he does the same thing.

I still put on my makeup and get dressed in something he will really like before he wakes up. When I have to go number two, I have him take the dog on a walk (no way I’m risking him hearing that!) I shave every day, and it’s not just physical things. You wouldn’t freak out on a new boyfriend because he didn’t put the dish’s in the sink, so why do it when you’ve been together for years?

Now it’s just who I am. I’ve gotten through my insecurities and I just like to see him happy. He does the same. Heck I get back rubs almost every night of the week. He still brings me dinner to work, and will even sit with me for hours if I ask him to.

I clean for him, I give him back rubs, I compliment him non stop (and the does the same for me) we treat eachother really well and it keeps us happy.

My advice is to not get too comfortable in your relationship. Comfort is good, but when you are just comfortable and never trying to remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place, he could one day forget. And besides that, don’t you want to make him happy? That’s a big part of love, wanting the other person to be happy all the time.

Post # 7
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Part of avoiding conflict is communicating.  I’ve said this over and over again, and I stick by it: in order to have a strong, functional relationship, it has to be built on mutual respect, trust, and communication.  What does your SO want out of your relationship?  What does he need from you?  What do you need from him?  What things make you feel secure and loved?  What things make him feel secured and loved?  How are you envisioning your future?  Do you talk about this stuff, or do you assume the other knows all of this already?  You have to talk, and keep talking.  My SO and I talk all the time.  We talk about the future, our plans.  We talk about politics and our work and art and stupid internet memes and our families, all kinds of stuff.  And because of that, I’m able to be a better girlfriend to him because I know what’s going on with him and in his brain.  I can be responsive instead of just reactive.  And that’s a huge thing.

Are you taking care of yourself, mentally and physically and spiritually?  You can’t effectively love and support another human being as an equal when you’re a red hot mess.  Clean up your own internal issues, be it with meditation or counselling or getting into better habits, and you’ll find you have more energy, grace, and patience for other people.  You want to not just be a “good girlfriend.”  You want to be a gracious, kind person, the kind of human being others enjoy being around.  And that’s the self-work.  New year, new you.  Figure out your flaws and work on them.  Work on yourself.  Be gracious with your own shortcomings, and you’ll find the grace to deal with other peoples’, too — including your SO’s.

Post # 8
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lepetitebee:  You can, and it’s never too late as long as you’re breathing! You got this!

Post # 9
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

Hey, I actually have been working on this (being drama free) pretty intensely.  I have a history of anxiety problems, and tend to get stressed out over things I can’t control, and get really worked up.

When I met my boyfriend, I knew he was different and someone I could spend my life with, so I really didn’t want to end up ruining it by letting my “crazy” get the best of me. I started going to therapy pretty much just to deal with my irrational emotions about the relationship.

Here is what I do, it is very hard, but it’s sometihng I’m getting better at with practice…

When something upsets me, and I start to get mopey and withdrawn and have the urge to kind of be bitchy, I let myself feel that emotion, and then I step back and remind myself that my boyfriend is on the same team as me, he loves me and cares about my happiness more than anyone, so basically “punishing” him by being mopey and mean is counter productive… if I’m upset and I act sweet to him, he’ll act sweet back, and that will make me feel better… if I’m upset and act upset at him, he’ll be upset and we’ll fight and then I’ll feel worse. 

I need to go through that whole mental process, it’s kind of like “keeping your eye on the prize”… when you feel drama about to start, just remember that you want to marry this man… and that will happen sooner if you learn to kind of take the time to experience your emotions, but not react negatively to them…

it’s hard! but it’s like exercize… you get better at it

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