(Closed) Need advice on how to deal with difficult mom

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: What would you choose to do?
    Let MOB wear dress, deal with attitude and keep on going as planned even if unhappy about it. : (6 votes)
    30 %
    Let MOB wear dress, change day of plans (not getting ready at home, walk down the aisle on my own) : (6 votes)
    30 %
    Try to convince MOB to go shopping with me and go from there. : (8 votes)
    40 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    585 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Okay i said let her wear it but walk urself down BUT ido think you need to talk to her again. im sorry ur going thru this if she does care she’s not making it noticable at all this is YOUR day. but also do you not want ur mom and dad to walk you down the aisle b.c shes dress  in a dress you don’t like?? unless she looks like a hooker then i would be upset haha. 

     

    good luck, im sorry that stinks! 

    Post # 5
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I don’t think you can force her to wear something she doesn’t want to wear, and if she is just doing it to try and piss you off, try to not let that work!  Use that AA motto and accept what you can’t change and focus on the things you can!  If you are comfortable walking yourself down the aisle, I say do it with a huge smile and show her she can’t ruin you and your FH’s day!

    Post # 6
    Member
    585 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    @mandm2012:  ah! well in that case i would consider that option. its ur day like i said. but serioulsy its been 5 years?? yeah i can see why you would want to walk yourself down. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    8430 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Let her wear what she wants. She is an adult. Also I think it is petty to not let your mother walk down the aisle just because of a dress. Be grateful that you have a mum whose is actually going to be at your wedding. There are a lot of bees that don’t have that.

    Also not to be too harsh but I find it hypocritical of you to be upset that she went dress shopping without you when you did the same thing. Also just because she isn’t particulary interested in the wedding planning doesn’t mean she isn’t supportive of your marriage. Some people are just not into weddings.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1 posts
    Wannabee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Hey Girl.  Sorry you are in this situation, total bummer that your mom is acting out like this.  I don’t think this has anything to do with her blue dress, changing her tune on helping out, sore mood with dress shpping/fittings or whether or not she likes the floral arrangements, I think its a much deeper issue.  I think you need to go to your local bookstore and buy the book called “conscious bride” Im not even sure who is by.  One of my Bridesmaid or Best Man (who has been married about 4 years) bought it for me when I first got engaged.  It basically talks about the psychology of the engagement and how it affects you, your relationship, your fiance, your mother, your father, your friends, your sisters, etc.  It was extremely eye-opening for me to read.  Do I take every word in there as though its gospel-heck no, but did they bring up important issues that are good food for though, heck yes!  The book talks about the feelings that everyone has when it comes to weddings.  I am sure your mom is extraordinarily happy for you deep down, but at the same time, subconsiously she feels that she is “losing” her daughter, her friend.  She feels like she will no longer be your #1 that she has been for 20+ years…. because after the wedding… your husband will be.  Its like there is something subconsious that allows her to be somewhat obstructive to the whole process.  Im not a parent–but parents do treat sons and daughters differently.  You never mentioned the marital status of your sister (your brother is obviously married as you stated before) but I can say with 99% confidence that your sister is not married because of the way you say your mom is acting.  She has never “given up” a daughter (which is a completely DIFFERENT experience than giving up a son.)  It sounds like your mom is having an extremely difficult time dealing with her little girl moving on with her life, part because she feels like that means her job as a mom is done (even though we all know it is not.. .we need our moms forever).  I think its all subconsious, so if you bring it up to her, it sounds crazy, but she’s holding back and not getting involved because she is scared of losing you.  (you know she won’t really lose you, but she doesn’t)

    What do you do? that part I don’t know.  I feel for you and Im sorry.   Maybe giving your mom a card/letter to tell her that you love her and how much you need her now and will still need her to be your mom even after you get married will be helpful.  Depends on how much she loves the blue leopard print dress-perhaps you just let her wear it and 10 years from now laugh about the style.  Keep in mind whats really important and I think restoration of your mother-daughter relationship is likely way more important than if she wears a blue leopard print dress or something from the latest MOB collection.  Let her know you care and just because you’re going to change your name doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to be your mom anymore.

     

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @j_jaye:  This pretty much sums up what I was thinking.

    Post # 10
    Member
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Time to set some boundaries. She’s probably being mopey because she feels like she’s losing her little girl. Which…is something every mom has to go through and get over. It’s your job to stand firm on the decisions you and your Fiance make as a new fledgling family. Unfortunately, a big part of weddings is the battle for independence and the setting up of a new family whose decisions everyone else respects.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Engagements are hard on the parents and mom is dealing with emotions she not expressing.judging your mom and canceling your walk down the aisle because you don’t like her dress is something that will never be forgotten. Do you really want to ruin any relationship you have over one day and a dress? I don’t know about the rest of it but on this one thing your overreacting and over controlling.:)

    Post # 12
    Member
    2106 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Mother’s don’t typically walk the bride down the aisle. My Future Mother-In-Law pulled a rich one and when I offered to buy her a new dress for the wedding, she flipshutout, threatened to revoke a loan o us, temper tantrum, tears, the whole nine yards. I ended up giving up. She will walk down the aisle with her husband, FI’s dad. I can only hope she doesn’t fit in it for the wedding!

    Have just your dad or no one walk you down the aisle regardless. If your dad walks you, have a groomsman escort your mom to her seat. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    2106 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @mandm2012:  A great reply: “And I wouldn’t want you there if you try to control the wedding by threatening not to come.” It’s time to really define boundaries and expectations. I suggest you talk to her about expectations. Maybe each make a list of what you want in relation to each other on the wedding day/planning. Your list might be something like: 

    1. I want my mother to be excited about planning and the wedding. If she isn’t excited and doesn’t like my decisions, I want her to keep negative thoughts to herself.
    2. I want my mother to tell me exactly what she wants to be involved in with the wedding so that I can include her. 
    3. I want my mother to wear a dress comparible to the one she wore to my brother’s wedding. 
    4. I want my mother to refrain from using threats, guilt, and other manipulation.

    Something like that. Keep it less than 5 so that it doesn’t sprawl on forever. Take turns reading your entire lists without interruption. See what you both want and have in common. Be prepared to compromise on the dress. Better to have her looking fugly but acting pleasant than looking pleasant and acting fugly. 

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