(Closed) need advice on letter to my parents …. FIRST TIME POST…. (kinda long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Don’t have the attachment.

EDIT: Got it.

Post # 4
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I have a very hard time following your letter – its so long, your message is getting lost.  To make it easier to read, break the email into paragraphs.  Also really thing about what message you are trying to communicate to your parents.  Are you just trying to vent?  Or tell them they are bad parents?  Or are you trying to communicate your decision to go to a different church?  Or are you most concerened with your living situation?  Focus on whatever message you are trying to send. 

Post # 5
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

That is def NOT the way to approach your parents if you ever want to have a good relationship with them.  I understand that you’re pissed, but nobody deserves to recieve that letter.  You’re dragging in other issues when the problem at hand is the rent.  And by what you wrote, it sounds like you don’t want to live there anyway.  If you’re able to pay rent right now maybe you should consider renting your own place until the wedding.

Post # 6
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I only read about half the letter but this is not the kind of conversation to have via email.

Post # 7
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ok I will be honest and say I only read about half of that but my two cents are that

1) you should send it in order to get everything off your chest. 

2) you should not expect it to make a difference. And I say this as someone who’s been in a very similar place. I sent a very heartfelt and honest letter to my father and it didnt make squatt of a different. it took me a while to come around to the idea that is was ok if only because i was getting it out of my system. 

With that said, you need to work out a situation that works for you without your parents influence. If you are paying rent at their place, why can’t you pay rent at your own place? Or maybe at a friend’s house till the wedding? Or what about asking Erik’s parents if he can move in and you can move into his apt? Personally, I think living together is a GOOD thing before marriage and I think that getting married legally and having a ceremony/reception months later is perfectly common. But if it bothers you anyway (and all that really matters here is how you feel) then you should look into alternative living solutions. 

Post # 8
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Wow! That’s a lot of stuff.  I don’t ahve time to wrtie a ton at the moment.  SO I’ll probably come back to this.  But it sounds like this has really been building over the years.

With regards to paying rent and sleeping at your boyfriends.  I can’t blame your parents.  I understand you are paying rent.  But they are the landlords.  THey set the rules.  They have religious values.  (And it sounds like you do too, since you don’t want to actually live with him until you are married.)  SO if you don’t  like their rules, you do what grown ups do, and live on your own.  I applaud you for not wanting to live with your Fiance until you are married.  Perhaps (while difficult) you can find some happiness doign it the way your parents have asked of you.  Maybe there is value in you not sleeping over at his place until you are married.

But honestly, that one issue is lighting the fuse of so very many issues.  I like talking over writing.  But you might be feeling like talking isn’t going to work for with your parents.  I might try to address these issues separately.  While I support your parent not wanting you to sleep at your FI’s place, I can’t imagine they’d be happier with your living there unmarried….

What would it mean if you agreed to the living arrangement they want,. but the trade off would be working out your other problems?  Perhaps if you agree to what they want on this issue, you can disarm them, and settle some things down.  (Maybe they were looking for a real fight on this.)  Then you can discuss the other issues that have been bothering you so badly.

So to write and run.  I’ll check in later.

Post # 9
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

i agree with the others that you need to focus. it sounds as if you wrote this with some rage which i totally understand but now you have to tweak it. There needs to be an intro, “i love you guys but I am not happy and i dont like the way i am treated. This is what i am having problems with:____, ____, and _____” 

You should then have a paragraph or 2 for each problem. (family dynamic, church, rent?)

Then finish it off with “this is what i plan on doing because of these problems unless you see a diff solution. Maybe we should get together and discuss some of this. Erik and I can be available after church this sunday…”

Understand that you are passionate about this and you should stand up for how you feel and should let them know.. but you also want to come across as a reasonable adult.

Post # 10
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Personally, I agree with your parents. Not necessarily about the not living together before marriage issue, but about them sticking to their morals. They have every right to tell you to move out if you aren’t obeying their rules which they laid on the line when you chose to rent from them. You could find a new place to rent or on the nights you have to work late, just stay in a hotel. I think that letter is going to upset them and I honestly don’t think it will be helpful.

I am also confused about the living situation. Are you living at home and paying them rent or do they own a rental property and you are renting from them? If you live at home, then I could see why they don’t want you having sex under their roof as (in their eyes) it sets a bad example for your sister. If it is a rental property, then you have every right to move somewhere else (and not necessarily in with your FI).

Also, I am not judging you. I have had premarital sex (and no my Fiance is not my one and only) and I am also living with my Fiance before the wedding. We were engaged for 6 months before moving in together and only then it was because I sold my condo and needed somewhere to live. It was convenient, but I was not raised in a religious household so it does not go against my beliefs. It sounds like you share your parents belief on this one since you don’t want to move in with him before being his wife.

I really hope you reconsider sending that letter. Honestly, I thought the letter was immature for someone who is trying to be an independent adult. Still though, I think 24 is young. Heck, I’m 25 going on 26 and I still consider myself young enough to take advice from my parents. What I do with that advice is up to me, but I would never be angry at them for letting their opinions known to me. That is part of being an adult, taking criticism kindly and being humble. You can disagree by moving out and calming letting them know you don’t share their views about it.

Also, take with them face to face. They are your parents for crying out loud. Don’t play the nasty email game.

Post # 11
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Like the others have said, your letter is too long and brings in too many other issues except the one that should be talked about (like, for example, when you talk about your sister [at least, i believe that it’s your sister]). Your letter is a direct attack and I received that in my email I would feel like I just got punched in the gut. 

I think that you need to be direct with your parents about how you feel about their “rules” and what the issue is. 

Post # 13
2821 posts
Sugar bee

I know it’s stressful living with your parents as an adult and them still acting like parents, my sister just did this and it was hard for both of them. 

That being said I would not send this letter as is, it’s too train of thought and if your goal is to have them treat you like an adult then I would take a bit more time on the wording because it comes off as rambly. 

Pick what points you want to make and try to tone down the attacks if you want them to hear you.  Also I’m a bit confused on why you want to live with them after all you said in this letter.  It’s not a letter that really says I want to live with you until the wedding.  To me it says – you suck as parents, my sins are my sins but really I think they’re a lot your fault, you ruined my wedding but I still want one – I donno it’s a bit hard to follow.

I think for your sanity you do need to get something out, I know it’s quite common for parents to treat their adult children as till kids and it’s alright to say something, but just I’d re-write the letter a few times before sending it and if you want a relationship with them in the future, try to tie a few positives in there.

Post # 14
271 posts
Helper bee

You sounds like you’re under a lot of stress. That was a pretty dramatic email, and usually dramatically written emails = regret.

I’d say if your financial situation is as grown up as you suggest, then, bluntly, act like a grown up. Leave home, take a rental somewhere else, pay for it, and live your own life. Don’t move home and punish your parents for taking you in at the same time. 

Your parents don’t beat you, molest you, or abandon you, be grateful for their (possibly sometimes misguided) love, it’s a lot better than what a lot of the world gets. 


Post # 15
141 posts
Blushing bee

Ok, I didn’t read the letter… it’s way too long.

There is an option between continuing to live with them and living with your fiance — live somewhere else!  In your intro, you state you pay them rent.  You know, you can pay rent anywhere… why don’t you just move into an apartment where you can come and go as you please without anyone knowing or hassling you about it?

Frankly, if you are living with your parents, their rules do apply — even if you pay rent.  They are probably just trying to keep you responsible by taking a rent payment, not being a real landlord.  Parents worry.  Have you considered that maybe you’re disrespecting them by not following their rules in their home?

Finally, the letter is WAY too long to send.  Maybe writing is the only way to go in your family, as you said — but I wouldn’t send this.  I would move out on polite terms and save everyone the grief.

Good luck.

Post # 16
141 posts
Blushing bee

By the way, I really mean this to be helpful and not snarky, even though it may sound that way…  The parts of the letter I did read sound immature.  You may need a 10th draft before you can send this one — truly.  You’re talking about wanting their respect, yet it reads like the demands of a child.  It’s their house, and they get to set the expectations.  You don’t get a say.  The fact that you think you do speaks volumes, let alone the tone in which you’re demanding one.

I really hope that helps — I think your cooling off idea is defintiley a good one.

The topic ‘need advice on letter to my parents …. FIRST TIME POST…. (kinda long)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors