(Closed) Need advice on living next to inlaws.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
8341 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t want to live that close to my own parents, let alone my inlaws. And I sure wouldn’t pay rent/mortgage on a home that would be never be in my name. I don’t think that’s fair of your Fiance.

Post # 4
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@puravita101:  I haven’t read your post yet (don’t worry, I will) but just from the title my advice is: “Don’t do it.” Tongue Out

 

Post # 6
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@puravita101:  Okay, so I read it and if I can give you any advice at all, it’s that you should go to premarital counseling together. This problem that you’re describing is the fodder for divorces. It sounds to me like you two are on TOTALLY different pages and the problem isn’t about how different the parents-in-law are, it’s about how different you are your fiancé are. Just some true advice, get this ALL sorted out 100% so that both you and your future husband are both 100% comfortable, happy and protected BEFORE you get married.

Post # 7
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Not only would I not want to live that close to my in-laws, or pay towards a house I’d never own, but I’d have serious doubts about marrying a man who flat-out refused to at least consider a compromise with me on the subject. This isn’t a discussion over whether to have Thai or Italian for dinner, or who cooks and who does the dishes; this is a decision that will influence every aspect of your lives, for years. To be so completely stubborn and refuse to at least acknowledge that I might not like this living situation simply wouldn’t fly with me.

Post # 8
Member
958 posts
Busy bee

@Westwood:  +100000. That is way too close. It’d be like living with them. I have no need to see my parents, let alone inlaws every day.

Post # 9
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would not live on the same lot as my fiance’s parents or my parents. I need a minimum of three blocks between us. Right now my parents are 15 minutes away and that’s perfect. I still see them basically every week. And all my cousins live about 15-20 minutes from their parents and that doesn’t stop them from babysitting all the time. You don’t have to live on the same property to watch the kids, lol.

Living SO CLOSE to his parents, literally on the same land, on property THEY own, just means they will be up in your business all the time. And since you’ll be living on their land, your fiance will feel an obligation to do what they say rather than making decisions with you as a unit. If you guys decide something and his parents disagree? Guess who he is going to side with? He will probably use excuses about his parents generosity, etc.

I dunno, I’d be VERY DOUBTFUL about his grown-up independentness if he wants to live with his parents forever and ever.

I honestly think that if he can’t agree to AT LEAST live in the same town but several minutes away in your own house, you do need to end the relationship. I doubt he’ll find someone that wants to move into momma’s house with him, but if he does, well, at least YOU don’t have to be the one dealing with it.

Post # 10
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would never live next to my indoors. You need privacy and independence.

Post # 11
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Forget my parents or his parents. I wouldn’t even want to live that close to my best friend! That’s just incredibly close for comfort and makes it even more difficult to establish solid boundaries. It is quite disconcerting that your Fiance is being so unreasonably stubborn on this. Does he see your views as some sort of attack or disrespect of his home? Also, the fact that he’s being so dismissive of your feelings is a big red flag. Other Bees have brought up the financial side of it, as you yourself have also, so I just want to raise my hand in agreement with them.

If he refuses to even consider other ideas then I think it would be better to cut your losses and run. ((Hugs))

Post # 12
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

For your best interests legally I’d say to purchase a home. Of course no bride to be wants to think about divorce but it could happen. Not to mention if anything were to happen to him (only speaking on legal issues) you would have no say in the property and no way to stay there at all. No rights to at least, unless he wills it.

Parents aside, it’s not necessarily the ideal thing to do since any number of things could happen where you would be left without a home you spent 20 or so years in

I’m not a lawyer though but have seen people screwed because they lived in the home that was inherited by their husband

Post # 13
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@kris325:  “Not to mention if anything were to happen to him (only speaking on legal issues) you would have no say in the property and no way to stay there at all.”

Yep… this is something important to think about. While we all WANT our SOs to live forever, realistically, everyone is going to die someday. And men have a shorter average lifespan than women. What happens when he dies in fifty-sixty years? What happens if he dies earlier? If my fiance were to die tomorrow, the first life insurance that kicks in would pay off the house, because I don’t make enough on my own to pay the mortgage payments and everything else I need to live. If your fiance were to die while you lived in that house, you’d have NO protections over not being kicked out. What if he died when you had several young children, and the parents originally let you stay there, but after a few years you started dating again? How would they feel THEN? That is all stuff that needs to be dealt with. They are rare possibilities, but they ARE possible.

At any rate, if you do consider going that route, please consult a lawyer to find out what protections you would need to have put in place to have whatever rights make you feel secure.

Post # 14
Member
7615 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@puravita101:  No way. I would not want to live that close to his parents OR mine, and I think it’s kind of weird that he is so set on it. Most adults want to strike out on their own and seek some independence. I can’t tell if it’s the people that he’s so attached to or the property. Either way, it would not be a good situation for you at all. 

I read your post to my husband, and (bless his sailor’s mouth) he said “what kind of f-er gives his wife a shit deal like that? That’s some strange-ass ideas.” 

Post # 15
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

Do you even need to pay anything? if it’s all paid off, you’d basically be living there rent-free. Flip side, if it doesn’t work out, you’re still stuck (divorces suck, especially when there’s kids involved). I would consider it, only if I weren’t going to pay anything ie. even if he pays, if i’m not gaining equity: HE pays, I’ll bank my “share” of rent in a savings account. And I’d sign something to the effect that I have no rights to the house in the event of a divorce and he has no rights to that sum – obviously this doesn’t work if you’re planning on being a Stay-At-Home Mom – but once his parents die (if you last that long), half his assets are still yours in the event of a divorce, unless you sign a prenup stating otherwise.. so he would owe you a quarter of the property if you got divorced. although you might have to fight for it (messy!). I would talk to a lawyer about your options/rights in every scenario you can think of.

I would also need to outline hard ground rules before moving in, to be revisited with Fiance every week for the first few months, biweekly after, and then monthly… and I’d need his guarantee he would have my back. And no further commitment on your part to see his parents than you would otherwise (dinner once a week? fine. but mom’s not allowed over unless she’s expressly invited? she still calls first? certain rooms are off-limits so if she drops by you have somewhere to hide and Fiance won’t get upset if you’re antisocial because you need to decompress? Is his mom going to hold it against you? How’s he going to feel about that? What would he say/do in such a scenario? etc) Again, run through as many scenarios as possible. See if his answers provide you some comfort.

If, after a fair trial period, – say, a year, two maybe – it’s not working. What happens? Divorce? You both move out? (since you gave it a real shot) Maybe compromise saying you’re okay with moving in AFTER they pass (maybe keeping the family home in the family really matters to him), but living there at the same time doesn’t fly. Heck, a trial period might be enough for him to realize it doesn’t work, and it’s not like the fairy-tale he has in his mind’s eye.

I don’t know that I’d do it, but I’d at least dig into the weeds of the conversation (why does he want it? can we get what he wants without moving in? can he address all of my concerns satisfactorily?) before completely writing it off. Especially since you guys are so far into your relationship – if everything else is great, I’d want to 100% know that this was a real dealbreaker before just assuming it was. Who knows, maybe you can work past this one way or another.

 

Post # 16
Member
7615 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@starbuckslover:  That’s way too much work and doesn’t sound like fun. I say tell him where to go, And it ain’t to mom’s house!

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