(Closed) Need advice on mismatched timelines please!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

relax girl. have a glass of wine and calm down.

your man is still young. if someone asked you how you felt about the furture (furture-ANYTHING) and you said you weren’t mentally ready to think about something serious, you wouldnt want someone to get mad at you right? right.

So ENJOY your relationship. sheesh. you guys have only been together for less then a year. get to know eachother a bit more.


Sorry if this came out harsh.

Post # 4
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

I mean, do you like him?

Do you have fun together?

Are you so marry-crazed you would toss out a good thing with a seemingly great guy who has been through alot in his life, as you say, just cause he isn’t going to run to the jewler on your first anniversary?

Post # 5
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think 8 months is long enough to reasonably expect a deeper level of commitment from him, especially at his age. Maybe he’ll have a better idea in 6 months or a year. Ask if you can plan to talk about it then.

Post # 7
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@FearLess:  Thanks for taking my rant with a big grain of salt.

I know it is hard to trust again after something like that so maybe it would be good for YOU to not feel the need to be invested. We cannot control how others feel, or what they do with those feelings, but if you feel yourself going too fast. touch the break a little bit. if you feel yourself getting too sucked in, let the air drain out of you a bit. focus on having fun. fun with life and your relationship. you are 3 years older then your SO and probably 6+ years ahead in maturity. he may be finding out for the first time what a real realtionship is. how much work and commitment and compromise it takes to make a relationship work. that takes alot of time, especially for a dude who has been through a lot at an early age.

My SO comes from a rocky past. dad-issues, mom-issues, money issues. the three biggest opsticals ever to overcome in order to be a healthy member of a couple. it has taken us being together for almost 5 years and living together for almost 2 for him to even THINK of being in the right mental state to begin thinking of how he is going to make me his wife. I have helped him alot and he has helped me.

these things take time. time for you to deal with your inner-demons. time for him to deal with his.

Post # 8
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Just because a guy is amazing, may or may not mean he is the right guy for you.

If you’re really interested in keeping him, I would check out the book “Sealing the Deal” by Diana Kirschner.  She has a lot of common commitment-phobic patterns that some men exhibit outlined very well.

You said you want to know the security of your feelings being reciprocated.  So ask for that.  If you want to wait for him for a while, I would not wait more than 6 months before considering looking elsewhere for what you want.

Try not to bring your past experience into this relationship.  I know it’s hard, but every relationship is completely different.  It’s not fair for your current man to compare him to the previous one.  And to get the *real* true love you want sometimes you have to risk getting deeply hurt.

Post # 9
1328 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m might be reading between the lines too much, but to me it sounds like what your really want is to know that he feels the same way about you that you feel for him, that you’re on the same page.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask, in fact I think that’s something anyone in a serious relationship should have. 

Perhaps you just need to frame the conversation with him differenetly.  Instead of asking where he sees your realtionship going, or what his plans for the future are, say something like “I’m very much in love with you and I’ve never felt this way about someone before.  I just want to know if you feel the same way.”  He may feel overwhelmed thinking about the future right now, so focusing on the way he feels now may be easier.

Post # 10
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I don’t think I’d worry yet. 8 months is long enough in your 30s, when you’ve dated enough to be able to spot what you want at a mile’s distance. In your 20s, especially when he’s still in his early 20s, it’s still a bit soon.

I’d bear with him until about a year and a half’s time. Just enjoy one another, and grow together. After 18 months, revisit it, and if he still isn’t ready to at least let you know where he stands on the issue….THEN you can worry.

This might help:



Post # 11
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Honestly I’d give it another year or so and if at that point he doesn’t have a more clear idea of the future, then I would leave. People will disagree with this, but I think that it’s silly to waste your 20s on something that may not happen. You’re not asking for a proposal, you’re just wanting some indication of where this relationship is headed. Perfectly reasonable. You’re not 17 and 18 years old anymore!

This is one of the reasons why after my failed 5 year relationship with a guy who was four years older than me I vowed to never date guys in their 20s again. I know some can be mature, but most are not. My boyfriend is 14 years older than me and he isn’t afraid to discuss the future… in fact he enourages it.

Talking about the future shouldn’t be a scary thing. It shouldn’t be like pulling teeth, and I think that his answer was quite immature. Maybe you caught him off guard, who knows… but it’s good to have a decisive guy who knows what he wants.

Wanting some direction and knowing where you’re headed is nothing to be ashamed of. For those people who are happy to go w. the flow and don’t have any timelines for themselves, this situation would be fine, but not all of us are like that.

Post # 13
1030 posts
Bumble bee

okay, I needed to put my 2 cents in here because me and my SO were talking about this the other day.

my SO is 24, and I’m almost 26. We’ve been together for 4 years.

my manager at work is 39, and her SO is 37. they’ve also been together for 4 years.

marriage and children are a really important thing for me – i want to be married before I have kids and I want to be on this side of 30 when i have my first one. As he’s a bit younger than me, we had this conversation very early on (less than the one year mark – we moved in together after a year). I basically told him what I wanted and he either had to understand and accept my wishes, or we should call it quits early on. It wasn’t said in a harsh demanding way, but he understood that I couldn’t be led on for 5 years only for him to then say he wasn’t ready. He agreed and we didn’t bring up the topic of marriage for a couple of years after that.

this year, we’ve decided to get engaged. He says that in his ‘life plan’ he would get married when he was in his 30s, but that we’ve both had to compromise in this relationship (i moved 300 miles to be with him away from my family and friends, and I’ve paid his way through university – i’m still the breadwinner). he says that if he plans on being with me forever anyway, doing it now rather than later doesn’t really make that much of a difference.

Now for my manager’s story. She turned 39 the other day and is going through some serious emotional breakdown. She’s been with her SO for the same length of time as me, but she didn’t lay her cards out when they first got together. she’s only recently brought it up and it’s not what he wants. She’s already at an age where it will be much harder to have a baby, but he doesn’t think they’re “there yet”. She moved away from her friends and family to be with him, but he still won’t budge on what she wants. So she has a huge decision to make – stay with him and hope he changes his mind? Or leave and possibly not find someone else who wants what she wants in a timeframe that means she could have her own family (and by that I mean biologically – not adoption). She’s so torn and doesn’t know what to do.

But the difference in our two stories is that I knew what I was willing to compromise on (moving 300 miles away and paying for lots of stuff!) in order to get what I wanted. She didn’t. I am in a good situation now – and she isn’t.

I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to know where a relationship is heading. Sure he’s young, but I honestly believe a woman’s age plays more of a part in a couple’s life plan because of the window to conceive. If children aren’t a major factor for you then it’s totally reasonable. I just couldn’t count on getting pregnant in my mid-late 30s.

My SO has a rule – if you don’t know within 3 months that you’re going to marry that person then it’s time to do some thinking!

I hope everything works out for you! Young ones do sometimes make you want to shake them! xx

Post # 14
803 posts
Busy bee

While he may be mature in many ways – the truth is that he is still only 24. He is simply not ready to be thinking about the future yet – and you are. You are two people who enjoy being together – but ultimately aren’t at the same place in life – and you need to think about whether or not you’re ok with that.

If you just want to know whether he loves you like you love him – he’s already said that he does love you. But I think it’s possible for someone to love another person and want to be with them – without being ready to think about the future. And sometimes – the person who doesn’t want to plan for the future can also be selfish about the situation and continue to want to be in the relationship with the other person even though they don’t want the same things.


Post # 15
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@FearLess:  I know this was posted a few months ago so maybe you’ve solved the issue but here’s what I think:

My sister was with a guy who was a year older than her from age 23 to 26. He always said he wanted to marry her but never proposed. In the end she broke it off and after a while met someone else. This new guy was 21 ad she was 26, she always wanted to get married and have kids before her 30s and he was desperatly in love with her so in the space of a year and a half got married and had a baby.

After not even a year of marriage they split. He just couldn’t handle being a dad and a husband and feelt like she had pressured him too much (which she had).

Maybe if they had waited longer and she had been a bit more relaxed and let things take their natural course they would still be together. 

On the other hand I agree with what other bees have said, be honest from the start and know where the relationship is going, men usually have an idea of where your’re headed after a few months.

All things considered I think it depends on what type of guy he is: has he had long relationships before? what does he think of marriage? does he want kids? if so when? are his friends in stable relationships?

And so on. Depending on what type of guy he is I think you should wait or not to approach the subject.


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