(Closed) Need advice on my mother and her husband…Please…

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

He sounds just as bad as her IMO so I don’t see why she could be around the baby and he can’t . That being said it will your you and your Darling Husband child so you can choose who you want to be around the baby enforcing it might be another story. Unless you are going to be there every visit and make sure he is not there you can’t say for certain he won’t be around. 

Hard situation maybe establish things before the baby is here in hopes that everyone will follow it but like I said enforcing who can and cannot see the baby is going to be difficult.

Post # 4
Member
6696 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You’re not in the wrong.  Read the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward Ph.D.  I read “Toxic In-Laws” by her which provides the similar advice in the context of parental in-laws.  It will help you understand your relationship more.

My Fiance and I cut off his mother because she’s a similar type of crazy – narcissistic, manipulative, etc.  When we have a child, we want no contact with her (as we currently have), but she’s still allowed to see my stepson through his mother (who was also treated badly when my Fiance and her were dating).  It’s going to be a whirlwind, but we have to stick to it… this woman is toxic.  My SIL and her husband also cut her off and won’t let her see their child… and my Mother-In-Law tries to get her youngest daughter to deliver presents for her to her granddaugher.

Post # 6
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

Um, will she think it’s funny when her husband is being sexually inappropriate with your daughter instead of you?

Post # 7
Member
6696 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

oliviakatherine:  I really don’t think that’s a thing… I was reading something awhile ago saying it used to be or it is in some countries?  Not in the US, for sure.

Post # 9
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

oliviakatherine:  Do you not want her husband around your child EVER or just not around your child unsupervised by you?

I have, what I consider, a toxic mother.  I still love her and we still have a relationship but I have had to make major changes to the relationship in order for it to work.  She has a victim mentality so I try now to be cordial but firm.  We see eachother but there are safe topics and controlled situations, otherwise we fight.

All you can do is decide what your boundaries and guidelines are for her being in your baby’s life.  It sucks when you have to do that with a family member.  If you can tolerate her husband in small doses during supervised visits that could be an option.  If you decide you never want him to see your baby and as a result your mother cuts you off then you will have to deal with that.

Your mother has to accept your boundaries.  The child is yours and it is entirely up to YOU.  She can either be understanding and you guys can make it work or she can miss out on a relationship with her grandchild.  Let her know that is how it has to be, plain and simple.  Do not entertain any drama, stick to the facts.

Good luck.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  devi514.
Post # 13
Member
4250 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

She sounds horrible.  He sounds horrible.  I think you are better off without EITHER of them.  It’s nothing you did, they did it to yourself.  From allowing her husband to slap you on the butt to suggesting you divorce your husband…she has crossed boundaries and doesn’t DESERVE to have a relationship with your baby.  I mean it’s one thing if your husband was treating you horribly and she was genuinely concerned and approached with a “I love you and care about you and this is what I’m seeing”, but it sounds like she didn’t even have any basis for that.

Since it sounds like you want a relationship still with your mom here’s what I would do: have a standing date with them once every 3-4 months.  Go out to a restaurant or PUBLIC place with your husband, your mom, her husband, and your baby once you have a child.  Be civil.  Talk to her.  Inform her generally what is going on in your life without providing too many details.  She can still see your baby but neither she nor her husband is welcome in your house, nor do you have to go over to their house.  That will keep both of them in line because they have to behave in a public place.  Although, the whole slapping you on the butt thing is UTTERLY inappropriate.  I would call him AND your mom out on it if it happens again.  You find it offensive and that’s all that matters.  The fact that she finds it funny is just ridiculous.

Post # 14
Member
1272 posts
Bumble bee

No, just no.

If someone other than my SO smacked my butt I would be all like “EXCCCCCUUUUSSEEE MEEE?!” and flip shit on them. Also, as someone who has been sexually abused by a relative I would say you don’t want to take any chances with your child, trust your instincts about this guy and never leave him alone with your child for a minute. If you’ve never been in that situation you have no idea how damaging the long-terms effects can be, to give you an idea: I was in therapy for 4 years and still sleep with a knife under my pillow. It took me 10 years to truly forgive my abuser (for both our sakes) and get over my anger issues.

If Grandma can’t deal with it, than she doesn’t really care about the well-being of your child. It’s her problem if she never wants to be around her grandchild, not yours. Stick to your boundaries.

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