Post # 1
Ok bees i posted a while back about mine and my mothers relationship.
Long story short, My mother Loved my DH when we were dating, when we got engaged, her whole demenior (sp) changed. I am an only child. She tried her best to take control over our wedding and everything. Fast forward about 2 years and she tried twice to ruin break up our marriage, telling me that my DH wasnt right for me and that i needed a man that would give me more attention and condoned if i wanted to text other men. Well her husband and I got along up until right after wedding day. Big mistake letting him walk me down the aisle. When i would be at their home if i was standing up he would walk by and slap or pop me on my hiney and my mother thought it was funny, me i felt uncomfortable.
Now my real father got married last year and she hates the fact him and I get along amazingly. She has lost all control of me and my DH and is plaing the victim on everything. She has text me a few times in the past 2 months to send me a pic of my 13 year old cousin cheerleading. We has not once answered her phone or email and wont ask how we are doing,
Now DH and I are on 4 years of TTC we have talked about the situation with my mother and her husband. DH can no stand either one of them which i understand because they hurt him badly (wanting me to divorce him).
My question is when we have our first baby I would like my mother to be able to be a grandmother to the baby but I do not want her husband anywhere around our baby, i know if i tell her this she is going to tell me that if he cant come around the baby then she is not going to either. DH right now could care less if she is ever around because im telling yal she hurt him tremendously.
Are DH and I wrong to not want her husband around our kids or are we wrong in the way we want to handle things? I really need advice on how to handle everything because i do not want to be stressed out during a pregnancy. She plays the tantrum victim card all the time, I do not want to lose my mother daughter relationship with her (it isnt there right now) but i know we are on the track to doing so.
i just need advice on how to handle this or if we are doing something wrong.
Post # 2
He sounds just as bad as her IMO so I don’t see why she could be around the baby and he can’t . That being said it will your you and your DH child so you can choose who you want to be around the baby enforcing it might be another story. Unless you are going to be there every visit and make sure he is not there you can’t say for certain he won’t be around.
Hard situation maybe establish things before the baby is here in hopes that everyone will follow it but like I said enforcing who can and cannot see the baby is going to be difficult.
Post # 3
I think what will happen is that my mother will throw a fit and make us sound horrible to the rest of that side of the family and then her husband will do something to that effect i just worry about his intentions cause he is a deacon at our church.
I would meet my mother somewhere or take baby to her work to see her. But i think they will tell us we are not welcome around or in their home anymore.
Post # 4
You’re not in the wrong. Read the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward Ph.D. I read “Toxic In-Laws” by her which provides the similar advice in the context of parental in-laws. It will help you understand your relationship more.
My Fiance and I cut off his mother because she’s a similar type of crazy – narcissistic, manipulative, etc. When we have a child, we want no contact with her (as we currently have), but she’s still allowed to see my stepson through his mother (who was also treated badly when my Fiance and her were dating). It’s going to be a whirlwind, but we have to stick to it… this woman is toxic. My SIL and her husband also cut her off and won’t let her see their child… and my Mother-In-Law tries to get her youngest daughter to deliver presents for her to her granddaugher.
Post # 5
But cant she go to court and sue or get grandparental rights to our child so we HAVE to let her see them? I have heard of this?
I have a feeling this will be a crazy situation, but i have to do it for my marriage and family sake.
Post # 6
Um, will she think it’s funny when her husband is being sexually inappropriate with your daughter instead of you?
Post # 7
I really don’t think that’s a thing… I was reading something awhile ago saying it used to be or it is in some countries? Not in the US, for sure.
Post # 8
Post # 9
Do you not want her husband around your child EVER or just not around your child unsupervised by you?
I have, what I consider, a toxic mother. I still love her and we still have a relationship but I have had to make major changes to the relationship in order for it to work. She has a victim mentality so I try now to be cordial but firm. We see eachother but there are safe topics and controlled situations, otherwise we fight.
All you can do is decide what your boundaries and guidelines are for her being in your baby’s life. It sucks when you have to do that with a family member. If you can tolerate her husband in small doses during supervised visits that could be an option. If you decide you never want him to see your baby and as a result your mother cuts you off then you will have to deal with that.
Your mother has to accept your boundaries. The child is yours and it is entirely up to YOU. She can either be understanding and you guys can make it work or she can miss out on a relationship with her grandchild. Let her know that is how it has to be, plain and simple. Do not entertain any drama, stick to the facts.
Post # 10
Knoewing her i do not know if she will think its funny. But if i had a daughter and she came to me saying he was inapprpriate with her and i confronted my mother and her husband denied it, she would believe him over my child. Thats why we do not get along with them.
I would have to talk to my DH but right now my mother would even be on supervised visits because of the way she has treated this whole situation.
We have alot of thinking & decision making to do because my mother will from now on play victim and there is just no being civil with her with her brainwashing husband around.
Post # 11
And out of the blue she just text me and said “how are you doing, i never hear from you”
Ummm i have called and text and i said “WE are good just busy”
She never replied probably because i INCLUDED my DH in that reply.
Post # 12
Well the ice with her is getting even more thin. She text me the other day and said “Hey haven’t heard from you in a while, how are you”
I text back a few minutes later and said “We are doing really good, just staying busy”
She said i asked how you where not him.
Post # 13
She sounds horrible. He sounds horrible. I think you are better off without EITHER of them. It’s nothing you did, they did it to yourself. From allowing her husband to slap you on the butt to suggesting you divorce your husband…she has crossed boundaries and doesn’t DESERVE to have a relationship with your baby. I mean it’s one thing if your husband was treating you horribly and she was genuinely concerned and approached with a “I love you and care about you and this is what I’m seeing”, but it sounds like she didn’t even have any basis for that.
Since it sounds like you want a relationship still with your mom here’s what I would do: have a standing date with them once every 3-4 months. Go out to a restaurant or PUBLIC place with your husband, your mom, her husband, and your baby once you have a child. Be civil. Talk to her. Inform her generally what is going on in your life without providing too many details. She can still see your baby but neither she nor her husband is welcome in your house, nor do you have to go over to their house. That will keep both of them in line because they have to behave in a public place. Although, the whole slapping you on the butt thing is UTTERLY inappropriate. I would call him AND your mom out on it if it happens again. You find it offensive and that’s all that matters. The fact that she finds it funny is just ridiculous.
Post # 14
No, just no.
If someone other than my SO smacked my butt I would be all like “EXCCCCCUUUUSSEEE MEEE?!” and flip shit on them. Also, as someone who has been sexually abused by a relative I would say you don’t want to take any chances with your child, trust your instincts about this guy and never leave him alone with your child for a minute. If you’ve never been in that situation you have no idea how damaging the long-terms effects can be, to give you an idea: I was in therapy for 4 years and still sleep with a knife under my pillow. It took me 10 years to truly forgive my abuser (for both our sakes) and get over my anger issues.
If Grandma can’t deal with it, than she doesn’t really care about the well-being of your child. It’s her problem if she never wants to be around her grandchild, not yours. Stick to your boundaries.
Post # 15
THank you so much for the advice ladies it really helps! The one that that pisses me off os she has filled my nanny’s head and my little cousins head with lies about us and said we dont come around anymore because we dont want to be apart of the family.
She is mad because all the truths about her lies are coming out and she doesnt like it.
And when he would slap my butt he would walk around and prance around like hw was all big and bad and something if yal know what i mean. My DH almost came over their coffee table at him one day and i had to grab him and we left.
I actually found out from a friend of hers a month ago that she tried to go behind my fathers back and get her DH to adopt me so my daddy coud not see me.
She lost control and hates it. I just do not think she will really be in our childrens lives in the end. If i do not let her DH around them then she will choose to not be there also.
It will hurt but oh well…