(Closed) Need advice on waiting!

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I waited for a long time (he was a “it’s just a piece of paper” kind of guy) but when he assured me that he has no doubts about me and that he wanted to be with me indefinitely, I believed him. It helped me reconsider WHY marriage is important to me and it was much easier to wait. I will say that neither of us want kids so we didn’t have that extra time pressure on us so it might be different in your case. Either way, I would trust when he assures you that he’s sure about you and he wants this, but there are things that he needs to work through before taking the plunge. This is honestly a really mature and responsible way of approaching it since he doesn’t want to rush into anything and put the marriage at a higher risk of not working out, know what I mean? I know it’s hard, but I would give him the time he needs to work through stuff and be completely ready. Enjoy being boyfriend and girlfriend and keep building your relationship and your love for each other. Also, focus on a new hobby or something for yourself too. I always wanted to run a half marathon so when I was having a tough time waiting, I started a 4 month training plan. He proposed a month after my race.

Post # 4
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

lavenderlady:  How old are you?  Because if you’re mid-twenties or beyond, I think he’s just stalling because he doesn’t want to marry you.  3 years is PLENTY of time to figure that out.  If a guy wants to marry you, he will.  It’s as simple as that.  Think about anything else that he wants to do – if he wants to go to a certain concert, or buy a video game, or go to a sporting event, or whatever his thing is, does he agonize over it for years?  No.  He just does it.  

Guys aren’t that hard to figure out.  If they want to do something, they do it.  His actions, or lack thereof, are telling you what you need to know.  You’ll be in the exact same position in 6 months, I guarantee it.  He’s telling you, with his actions, what you need to know.  Believe him.

Post # 5
Member
254 posts
Helper bee

Kikibear:  I find this pretty unfair, a sweeping generalisation. We don’t know what their 3 years were like and I for one would prefer longer than 3 years to get engaged… I would have understood the attitude towards a 6+ year dating situation, but I think here it’s just fair to give the guy some space.

Post # 7
Member
4246 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So talk to him.  Tell him what is going on inside your head.  Ask him if he’s 100% positive.  I do agree with what was said above in the fact that men do what they want to do and they don’t stall.  On that same token, if you agreed on “this year”, there is still PLENTY of this year left.  Maybe talk to him to get a more specific timeline.  Definitely talk to him about how you are feeling right now.

Post # 8
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

bluebird22:  But it doesn’t matter what you want or how you feel.  You wouldn’t have written this post because you’re fine waiting 3+ years.  OP isn’t, which is why she wrote the post.  

Post # 9
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think theres an over generalization here that guys will always “just do it”. Thats simply not true. Guys are (for the most part) more simple than females. When they say something, they usually mean it whereas us females will say something and mean the complete opposite. 

Just because he’s taking his time doesnt mean he wont propose to her. 25 is still pretty young to be engaged. Could it be that hes still not ready? Yes very possible, BUT thats very normal to feel that way. 

OP just talk to him but do not pressure him. Just tell gim you wanted to confirm youre both on the same page and want to get married and leave it at that. DON’T pressure him about giving you an exact date of when he’s proposing. 

Post # 10
Member
7717 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you love him and believe he is the one, then I would give him some more time to work through his concerns. Maybe set a timeline in your mind, like six months or something, and then if that time elapses and he hasn’t broached the subject of engagement with you, I would have another conversation with him. Just ask where his head is, does he still have the concerns he had 6 months ago, does he see those concerns going away at any point, etc. 

I know this must be incredibly stressful, cause you probably feel a bit like you’re on probation or something, or you have to behave really well to “earn” the proposal. I am sure it’s putting stress on the relationship. That’s not a good way to live, generally, but the fact that he has been honest with you about what’s holding him back seems like a good sign to me. I would give him some more time (assuming you’re still 100% on board), but not an indefinite amount of time.

Post # 11
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

lavenderlady:  I do not think you have anything to worry about at this point. I am 25 as well, and I have plenty of friends in my social circle who have been dating for 3+ years and are not engaged yet, even though they openly tell their friends they are “the one”. I think at our age, there are so many factors that come into play. Some guys think they need a house, a better job, no debt, etc. (basically 100% stable) before they pop the question. I dated my fiance for 8 years before we got engaged because he said the whole time he wanted to be able to 100% support me and himself before he walked down the aisle. I had another guy friend (29 and just recently married, dated for 4 years) who thought that you do not propose until you are ready to have children. Who knows what guys are thinking! haha  

Also, if you just started seriously talking about it, maybe he just started seriously saving money for it. I bet he took you to look at rings to get an idea of what you wanted, and how much money he needs to save. He could just be saying the end of the year because he knows he needs that much time to save up. 

 

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