(Closed) Need advice on whether I am in the wrong here…

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would find out how much it is first, and if it’s too much you can let her know.

It would have been nice if she could have done it as a gift to you.

Post # 4
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

@dream_angel:  you should pay. She could charge you for the music and effort to practice for your day but she isnt.

Post # 5
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would say something like, “I did not expect this to cost anything.  What is the total cost?  I will talk with Nicky [obviously this is your fiance] and let you know how much we can help.”

Post # 6
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you should pay – shes isn’t asking for a payment, shes asking you to help her cover the costs of something she wouldn’t need to pay if she wasn’t going to play at your wedding. 

Post # 7
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you should cover the costs. I’m asking my brother to officiate the wedding, and I’m paying his costs to get ordained. My bridesmaids are paying for their own dresses, however if I asked someone to provide a service – DJ, Photos, musicians – even if they were a friend I would pay any costs as you are asking a favor of them. I can’t imagine the insurance would be that expensive. You can shop around for good rates.

Post # 8
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe she didn’t realize or didn’t think about the costs beforehand either.  I think you’re being a little presumptuous thinking she knowingly waited to tell you.

Either way, find out how much it is before you freak out.  But don’t assume that she should just pay for it as part of her favor to you and it is *not* the same as your BMs paying for their dresses!  

If you cannot afford to pay for it, let her know and thank her for her time but that you will have to skip having the harp at the event.  Don’t be mad at your friend – you have no place to be.  You asked her to do something for you, don’t forget that!

Post # 9
Member
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@AmyFarrahFowler:  +1.  Unless it is an outrageous cost, then I’d tell her it’s out of your budget so you’ll have to unfortunately cancel.

To put a different perspective on it, I designed and printed my friends’ wedding invitations.  I did not charge her for any design time, but did go over paper cost and the cost of printing with her and made sure she was ok with that before (which stinks your friend didn’t do that). It’s uncomfortable handing her the bill to reimburse me, but like PP Amy said, I would have never otherwise incurred that cost, and I did do the design for absolutely free (like your friend actually playing the music for free).

Post # 10
Member
1612 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I’ve played organ at friend’s weddings before.  I usually let me usual fee for playing slide and do it as a wedding gift IF I’m invited to the wedding.  Although the couples involved have always asked me how much I charged.  You should be willing to pay even for a friend.

Post # 12
Member
2716 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If she had volunteered to play for your wedding, then I would say she should pay, but since you asked her, you need to pay.  I play the piano, and if my friend asked me to play for his/her wedding I would expect them to make arrangements for a piano to be at the ceremony.  I wouldn’t expect to have to pay to move my piano so that I can play for her wedding.  I don’t know what’s involved with moving a harp, but it doesn’t strike me as an instrument that is easily moved.

If you can’t afford it, then I think it’s ok to explain the situation and ask her to be a reader or usher instead.

Post # 13
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@dream_angel:  I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to ask you to pay for the transportation and insurance expenses.  She is providing you a free service and moving a harp is no easy task.  Now is a good time to back out if you don’t want to pay those expenses.  Just apologize and say you had no idea what it cost to transport a harp and that you would prefer to make alternative plans for the music so she can instead enjoy the day as a guest and not worry about her harp.

Post # 14
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

@dream_angel:  I got ya. Just think how nice it’ll to be to have a harpist. They are few and far between. If I go to one more wedding with a violinist I’ll…still clap politely…but in my head I’ll wish they played the flute or harp instead.

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