Post # 1
Hoping you can help…
As part of my ceremony I have asked a very close friend of mine if she would like to play her harp during the signing of the register so that she could be involved in my wedding day, since I couldnt ask her to be a bridesmaid etc (you cant ask everyone)…after initial “are you sure Im good enough” – she excitedly accepted and was thrilled to be part of the wedding day.
We went over one night and she played through on CD or on the harp a few pieces she could play, or at least would be able to get her teacher to teach her.
It was all set…and then she messaged me on facebook..
asking me to cover the costs of the rearrangements and the insurance to take her harp out of the house.
This surprised me as firstly I didnt know costs were involved and secondly I had asked her as a friend, if I had thought costs would be involved, I would have reconsidered as we are already on a tight budget and I know insurance plans can be expensive! I am also surprised she has gone ahead at her own expense and THEN asked me instead of coming to me first….
Part of me is a little disappointed as a friend, I would have hoped she would have paid it herself anyway..my bridesmaids have all offered to pay for dresses, hair, make up etc…I have paid for the dresses but they are paying for hair and make up. I know I would do it for her – I dont expect her to be out of pocket but in that case she should have told me it would have meant costs to her, and I would have come up with something else.
Is it wrong of me to be disappointed? Should I pay? Should I get her to pay? Should I tell her I cant afford it (I dont actually know how much it is yet) and find something else for her?
Any advice much appreciated!
Post # 3
I would find out how much it is first, and if it’s too much you can let her know.
It would have been nice if she could have done it as a gift to you.
Post # 4
@dream_angel: you should pay. She could charge you for the music and effort to practice for your day but she isnt.
Post # 5
I would say something like, “I did not expect this to cost anything. What is the total cost? I will talk with Nicky [obviously this is your fiance] and let you know how much we can help.”
Post # 6
I think you should pay – shes isn’t asking for a payment, shes asking you to help her cover the costs of something she wouldn’t need to pay if she wasn’t going to play at your wedding.
Post # 7
I think you should cover the costs. I’m asking my brother to officiate the wedding, and I’m paying his costs to get ordained. My bridesmaids are paying for their own dresses, however if I asked someone to provide a service – DJ, Photos, musicians – even if they were a friend I would pay any costs as you are asking a favor of them. I can’t imagine the insurance would be that expensive. You can shop around for good rates.
Post # 8
Maybe she didn’t realize or didn’t think about the costs beforehand either. I think you’re being a little presumptuous thinking she knowingly waited to tell you.
Either way, find out how much it is before you freak out. But don’t assume that she should just pay for it as part of her favor to you and it is *not* the same as your BMs paying for their dresses!
If you cannot afford to pay for it, let her know and thank her for her time but that you will have to skip having the harp at the event. Don’t be mad at your friend – you have no place to be. You asked her to do something for you, don’t forget that!
Post # 9
+1. Unless it is an outrageous cost, then I’d tell her it’s out of your budget so you’ll have to unfortunately cancel.
To put a different perspective on it, I designed and printed my friends’ wedding invitations. I did not charge her for any design time, but did go over paper cost and the cost of printing with her and made sure she was ok with that before (which stinks your friend didn’t do that). It’s uncomfortable handing her the bill to reimburse me, but like PP Amy said, I would have never otherwise incurred that cost, and I did do the design for absolutely free (like your friend actually playing the music for free).
Post # 10
I’ve played organ at friend’s weddings before. I usually let me usual fee for playing slide and do it as a wedding gift IF I’m invited to the wedding. Although the couples involved have always asked me how much I charged. You should be willing to pay even for a friend.
Post # 11
Thanks for your input, I may have to, as I dont want her to be out of pocket necessarily, had she have mentioned costs from the beginning I would be OK with it, as I would then have made the decision based on whether I could afford extra expenditure…the problem I have is that she hasnt mentioned costs, gone ahead with said costs and then asked me to pay for it. Its like going in to a restaurant for a sample meal for free and then been told you have to pay…
Post # 12
If she had volunteered to play for your wedding, then I would say she should pay, but since you asked her, you need to pay. I play the piano, and if my friend asked me to play for his/her wedding I would expect them to make arrangements for a piano to be at the ceremony. I wouldn’t expect to have to pay to move my piano so that I can play for her wedding. I don’t know what’s involved with moving a harp, but it doesn’t strike me as an instrument that is easily moved.
If you can’t afford it, then I think it’s ok to explain the situation and ask her to be a reader or usher instead.
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@dream_angel: I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to ask you to pay for the transportation and insurance expenses. She is providing you a free service and moving a harp is no easy task. Now is a good time to back out if you don’t want to pay those expenses. Just apologize and say you had no idea what it cost to transport a harp and that you would prefer to make alternative plans for the music so she can instead enjoy the day as a guest and not worry about her harp.
Post # 14
I got ya. Just think how nice it’ll to be to have a harpist. They are few and far between. If I go to one more wedding with a violinist I’ll…still clap politely…but in my head I’ll wish they played the flute or harp instead.
Post # 15
Thanks for your replies – seriously I dont expect it as a gift or anything for free. It just would have been nice to have known about the costs before she paid anything. If she had come to me before…I could have easily said “Oh wait theres costs involved?..sorry cant afford…but please do a reading so you can be a part of the day” but since she has now already paid for these things…then come to me…Im a little stuck!
Im not freaking out, I was just asking for some advice on how to respond/go about it as she is a very close friend! Sorry if it came across as me freaking out!
Post # 16
But then Im leaving her out of pocket because she paid for these things BEFORE coming to me??