(Closed) Need advice. Posted in wrong section before. HELP. :'( Vent kind of…

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
5 posts
Newbee

So, here I am going anon. I’m a regular here and I just totally need advice. To start off, I love my fiance more than anything else in the world. I feel really ungrateful for him, and I most likely am. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him to be honest… This is why I’m so confused. When I ask myself if I would ever leave him, I tell myself no. And that’s the truth. Like I said. I don’t know what I’d do without him.

But… Lately I’m just really unhappy. With everything in my life. I have a lot of stress going on, and things piling up. Maybe it’s that coupled with my fiance being insensitive.

So, I guess what my problem with him is things that have piled up. Like for instance, back about a year ago, I found out he was talking to a few girls, no big deal. It’s just that he lied and told me he doesn’t talk to girls… Anyway, after moving on from that, I said, okay it’s fine to talk to your female friends, just please be honest with me. Well, come a few months later, I find he’s been talking to only one girl, (lying about it to me), and they send winks to each other. A lot. Along with having cute nicknames for each other. Which he claims was to annoy each other but it didn’t seem that way to me. Also, through having found their conversations, I found out my fiance’s crazy ex was trying to contact him again and he never told me. But he told this girl he was talking to. Along with telling this girl literally this sentence, “I’ve told you more about my ex than even (insert my name here). ;) ” Her response was, “Wow.” Then after a confrontation, he blocked her on facebook, and as far as I know, has had no more contact with her. Also, he had admitted to having a crush on her when they first met, but then changed the story to he didn’t. This girl even made fun of me and he never defended me. :( Like when my fiance and I first started dating, he sent her a picture of me, and she said, “Eh, she’s ok..” Seriously. And he just said lol and moved on. He explained all with this girl as he was naive and didn’t realize it was flirty. I’m sorry I’m making him out to sound like a jerk. He’s really wonderful in the way he treats me otherwise. I guess I just have bad trust issues and dwell on things that I shouldn’t. He is always saying he loves me, and is super sweet. 

But lately he’s been taking time we should have together to watch sports, or being insensitive when I’m upset about something. Even laughing at me (at first)  if I cry about something.  After I cry a while he gets sympathetic, but sometimes he wants me to stop because he can’t deal with it. :( He also never ever surprises me with anything, and never wants sex. I have never been successful in getting him to have sex with me. He has to be in the mood first. Which is NEVER. We have had sex twice in the last three months. But things like holding my hand and hugging me and cuddling me he’s wonderful about. He has no problem with PDA and loves calling me his fiancee. But at the same time he snaps at me if I try to talk while he’s busy and can get very mean and defensive. Does this sound like someone who is going to be abusive sometime in the future or someone who is just naive about how to be in a relationship? 

And FYI I’m a very passive person, I don’t like to be bossy or pushy and I love doing nice things for people. Is it somehow my fault?

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Post # 2
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

He flirts with other girls, makes fun of you/laughs at you when he upsets you, and flat out seems disrespectful. I don’t know for sure, but the fact that he never wants sex and is shady with his relationships with other girls is a HUGE red flag. Forget the potential to be abusive, he is already extremely disrespectful to you.

Post # 3
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

It doesn’t sound like you deserve anything that your Fiance is doing to you. I would be so upset if my Fiance was hiding the fact that he was talking to other girls and making it seem ‘secretive’… that just doesn’t seem fair. It can be hard having trust issues when it isn’t necessary but your Fiance is giving you reasons to feel this way! If I were you I would sit down with him and tell him how you are feeling, or if that is to hard outline it in a letter and tell him what is going on. I hope things work out for you and that he treats you better, or that you find your own happiness if he doesn’t make the effort for you.

Post # 4
Member
3026 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I don’t think I really understand your relationship. It sounds more like he’s a not-very-nice friend than a boyfriend.

Honestly, it’s worth waiting, alone, for someone who will treat you right. Trust me on this. I waited 42 years. 😀

Post # 5
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

It sounds like you’re the only one in this relationship that’s serious about it. I would move forward and let him find someone else to treat like shit. 

Post # 6
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

If my boyfriend ever laughed at me for crying (something I don’t do often), and flirted with other girls, you had better believe I would be gone in a heartbeat because that would be unbelievably disrespectful to both me and the relationship. A hundred “I love you’s” can’t make up for the crap he’s pulling with you. Please realize that you deserve so much better than this in your life partner. 

Post # 7
Member
9089 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Laughing at you when you are crying & upset could be condidered emotionally abusive.  Refusing to have sex with you certainly is, unless there is a legitimate medical reason which should be addressed by a physician immediately.  Could he be getting his needs met elsewhere?

He sounds awful, OP.  I agree with the PPs, you can do mucgh better than this guy.

Post # 9
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I really want to stay. I hope I can work things out with him. I talked to him and he seemed genuinely upset that I felt hurt by him. It feels like he’s starting to try more since I talked with him last night. I laid it out there, and told him I was feeling hurt by the way he’s been acting. I think he just is sort of naive about how to treat someone in a romantic relationship lol. I got thinking about it, and he has been treating me like one of his buddies.

Post # 10
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

He’s treating you like “one of his buddies” because that’s probably all you are. He even told you he had a crush on some other girl! What he does isn’t right. You say you have trust issues and I know this might make it easier to doubt yourself and make excuses for him instead of seeing it how it is. Him talking and flirting with other girls like that is a big nono, especially since he was being suspicious about it. Like others said, unless there’s a medical reason or he’s getting sex elsewhere, why is he neglecting you in that department? That is a big part of couple’s intimacy. Its great he still cuddles and holds you and is openly affectionate, but these are things that are easy to fake. His behavior to you crying is wrong. My fiance sometimes will get mad because he doesn’t know how to deal with that, but he would never laugh. I, like you, also have trust issues but there’s a difference in: seeing issues that aren’t there because your insecure vs. you ignore the issues that are there because you’re doubting if he really is good and you’re just overreacting. That’s a different story, and you deserve better.

Post # 11
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Tom's Country Place

This doesn’t sound like it’s your fault at all hon. He’s got some weird issues…thinking its okay to laugh when you’re crying? Not wanting sex, especially when you’re offering? I’m in a very trusting relationship and I would be horribly upset to find out he was talking to someone like that and didn’t tell me about it. From what you’re saying about being “one of his buddies” it sounds like you could not only find better friends than him (someone who consoles you when you cry and finds it very important to be upfront and truthful) but a better future husband. If you’re really looking to make it work, maybe standing up and explaining that these things are bothering you can express how you’re feeling. If he cares about you he should look to change his behaviors and probably apologize for hurting your feelings. Maybe his reaction will help you know if you should stay with him or not.

 

Post # 12
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

Why do you want to say with him?  Your partner should put you first, want to spend time with you (doing things, conversation and physically), share his thoughts and feelings with you and be honest with you.  And all those things should be pretty automatic for him.  

I was with a guy who is a great person and was never particularly nasty or anything, but he would put all sorts of things before me and lie by omission to suit himself.  I think he just didn’t love me, despite us having good conversation and great sex.  A few months after I broke up with him, he fell in love with another woman and they were married 18 months later.  They are totally inseparable.  She is just the woman for him, and I wasn’t.

Post # 13
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

How long have you guys been together? Have you done any couples counseling? Since you are engaged now would be a great time to do so. It can help you guys work on communication skills and figuring out each others needs/wants. If he is anti-couples counseling maybe he would be willing to go for pre-marital counseling which is quite similar and very common for engaged couples to do. 

You mentioned that you are a passive person. I kind of am too so I decided while I was still dating Darling Husband to go get counseling on my own for that because I really do think that if you aren’t able to say what it is you need/want and when something is hurting you then it’s nigh impossible for a relationship to work becuase you will be utterly miserable.

Honestly, it sounds like you guys need to work better on communication skills. You probably need help in learning how to voice your needs/feelings and he needs help learning what is and isn’t appropriate in romantic relationships. You also probably need to better discuss what boundaries you are both comfortable with.

I think it’s very important to iron this all out prior to marriage. He needs to be the type of person who encourages you to speak up for yourself and take it when you say something critical (while still being kind of course) and you need to be able to say what you are thinking/feeling or else the marriage is going to be quite difficult. 

Post # 14
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

anonymousbee90:  What’s his reason for the lack of sex? For me, that is a pretty big issue that should be addressed. It’s ok to have a lower sex drive, but both partners need to be fulfilled. The fact that he never has sex when you try to initiate seems like a form of control. I don’t think this guy thinks very highly of you.

Post # 15
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

His behavior will only get worse once you’re married. I know you really want to stay but this relationship isn’t healthy, and you deserve better. You’ve done nothing to deserve his behavior and it is most definitely not your fault. You need to spend some time away from him and figure out what you want for yourself before you should even consider getting married to this man.

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