(Closed) Need advice re: IVF vs. Adoption for older bride. <3

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Are you a candidate for mini IVF? It’s cheaper than regular IVF.

Sorry, I don’t know anything about adoption, but I thought I’d throw it out there since it may be available to you.

Post # 4
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

both are long, stressful, and expensive processes. do you know anyone who has done either?

Post # 5
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I have not gone through IVF yet, our next step is IUI. But this is a really great website that has a lot of information regarding infertility options and adoption – Resolve

The forums are a great start for advice.

Post # 6
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@michelle314: Well I can’t tell you anything about IVF but I can’t give some insight from my friends and family on adoption.

Adoption is a really long and often quite expensive process.  It can take years to actually get a child.  Two of my cousins are adopted and my next door neighbor also adopted two children while I lived next door.  I’m pretty sure domestic adoptions tend to take longer than foreign adoptions and that it is harder/longer to get a baby than an older child.  These would all be things to consider when you and your Fiance decide where you want to look for an adoption.

My neighbors adopted their first (not sure of their exact wait from the start of the process) and immeadiatly started the process again to adopt a second child because of how long it had taken the first time and they wanted their children to at least be semi-close in age.  It took another 3 years before they were able to get another baby.

Also, be prepared for some heartbreak and pain along the way.  My aunt and uncle had one birth mother who had agreed to give her baby up for adoption to them.  My aunt and uncle paid for ALL of her pre-natal care and the hospital expenses for the birth, had a nursery and baby clothes, bottles, etc all ready to bring their new child home and after the baby was born, the mother changed her mind and decided to keep her.  My aunt and uncle had ZERO recourse and were out the money and were absolutely heartbroken that they didn’t have a child.

I’ve also heard the IVF isn’t any cake-walk either but I just wanted to share the experiences of those close to me with adoption.  I can’t tell you what is your best course of action but just wanted to provide some information that will (hopefully) help in your decision.

Post # 7
Member
759 posts
Busy bee

I don’t know much about IVF, so I can’t help with that.  But I was in the process of adoptiong before a family crises came up and I had to stope the process.  It really depends on from where you will adopt, & in some cases your age, the age, health, race of the child.  Most adoption processes can be quite long. 

I was adopting internationally and it was going to take about two years.  Adopting from China will take up to 4 years, Ethiopia about 18mos to 2 yrs.  From the US it can vary, from  less than a year (esp. if you want an AA baby) but up to 10 yrs for a CA baby.  So it depends. 

I suggest you check out the following site adoption website which gives an overview of the adoption process for various countries.  (They are also a very reputable adoption agency and I have a few friends that used them for their adoptions.)  http://www.holtinternational.org/

Post # 8
Member
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

My little brother was adopted.  He came from Colombia, through a fantastic organization known as FANA.  I can’t remember how long it took for my parents to adopt, but I know that my brother came to the States right around my fourth birthday, and I know that my mom went through five miscarriages before they decided to go the adoption route, so I assume that the process couldn’t have taken more than two years.

Adoption is really wonderful thing to do, and there are so many children in the world that need loving parents.  Do remember, though, that although there are many, many positive aspects to adoption, it also comes with differences from having a child genetically related to you.  For example, personality-wise and such, your adopted child may not be like you and your husband.  These things may not be terribly important; for example, my parents and I are all early morning people, but my brother is a night owl.  There can also be quite profound differences, though: if, for example, you and your husband are blessed with extremely high IQs – let’s say in the 150 range – then statistically you will not end up with a child anywhere near as bright as you.  It’s possible, sure, but not likely – just as it’s possible but not likely that you and your brainy husband could have a child genetically yours who is born with below average intelligence.

Adopted children also tend to have more questions about their identity, and sometimes they have difficulty adjusting, even if adopted as infants.  I believe that statistically, an adopted child is 50% more likely to end up in longterm counseling at some point in their life than a child that remains with its birth parents.  Of course, that being said, children who are up for adoption are possibly going to have that problem anyway, and they will need a loving family one way or another.

Another thing to remember, should you pursue a foreign adoption, is that childhood nutrition and other health problems are quite rampant in many orphanages.  When my brother finally came home to us, he had a severe case of chicken pox.  The chicken pox had been bouncing through his orphanage for ten years, even though they moved buildings twice.  I think it took them another five to completely eradicate it.  I also once knew a girl who lived next door to me.  She had been adopted from Russia when she was four (or maybe as old as seven, I can’t remember) years old.  Even though she was only a year younger than me, she was four grades behind me because she had had to learn English and because, both mentally and physically, she was several years younger than her peers because of the severe malnutrition she faced as a small child in Russia.  These sorts of problems can happen domestically, too, though.  I used to play all the time with a girl and her (genetic and adopted) brother who had been adopted from another American.  They were both born with fetal alcohol syndrome, and although when I moved across the country, the girl had cried and cried and told me I was her only friend, she had no memory of me when I visited a year later.  Two of my cousins were also adopted domestically, and they both came from drug-addicted mothers, and they suffered from some pretty severe behavioral issues.

All that being said, I also know several kids who were adopted but who have grown up to be as normal as anyone else.  I think adoption is a wonderful thing to do, and if my boyfriend and I end up unable to have children, we’ll probably adopt.  I think it’s just good to know what you’re going into before you make the decision.

Post # 9
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am a little confused – do you know that YOU won’t be able to have kids (I get that your husband will need a reversal)?  You really won’t be that old, and lots of women can conceive naturally into their 40s, so you might want to just try for a bit before you go to drastic (expensive, stressful, time-consuming measures).  If you do know that you can’t conceive, for whatever reason, I am really sorry to have told you something you already know.  I will shut up now.

Whichever road you end up taking – my very best wishes that it will be as stress-free as possible.

Post # 10
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m adopted.  I’m 35, healthy and completely normal.  I can’t help but be a little offended when people warn that an adopted child may not be as healthy or as “genetically the same” because I know people whose biological children have the same problems as those who are adopted – or have completely different personailities from the rest of their family (it has only a little to do with whether or not you are adopted). 

I agree that you have to be careful because biological mothers may have been drug or alcohol abusers and the child has to pay the ramifications because of her mistakes but the child should not be punished or discriminated against because of that…many, many children are adopted every year who do not have any problems at all.  The risks may be higher when adopted but those risks liein biological children as well.

I have a number of friends who have resorted to IVF.  I don’t know too many specifics but if you can afford to do it and are reasonably healthy than it should not be too taxing on your body.  A close friend was 39 when she got pregnant via IVF (on the first try) and is expecting twins.  She’s 40 now and will deliver next year.

Good luck with your decision!!!

 

Post # 11
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I see you live in Northern NJ – please know that your quickest and cheapest option for adoption is to go through your county’s children services. Many people chose the private adoption route (which is great – think Caitlyn from Teen Mom) – but there are so many children who do not get adopted who are in the state’s custody. My mom is a social worker in PA – and she routinely says that getting a child through your state/county’s children services can be as quick as a few weeks (depending on how motivated you are to get all the necessary steps completed).

That being said, someone I know took their new baby home from the hospital yesterday. They went through a private adoption service and I believe from deciding to adopt to bringing a baby home it was approximately 1 year. But, my understanding is that they got lucky and it can take much longer for other couples. They were lucky to have a birth mom pick them very quickly. They also had some very excellent but unique “selling” factors that may have helped them to be picked so quickly.

Post # 12
Member
5093 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

@1littlep:  I’m sorry to have offended you.  I was simply writing my experience and the opinions that come with it, since I, too, come from a family with adoption.  I know every situation is different, and what I described definitely isn’t a guarantee that such bad things will happen.  Adoption does come with its own set of unique possibilities, though, just like a natural pregnancy could result in the wonderful possibility of twins or the terrible possibility of miscarriage and a million things in between.  I don’t think people are as educated about the possibilities involved in adoption because it’s not as common a route to parenthood, but I do think all the possibilities should be considered.  Like I said, I still think that adoption is wonderful and something that I would consider doing.  I didn’t mean to offend.

Post # 14
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

On the money front, you should definitely check both of your health insurance’s – for instance my insurance does not cover ANY infertility treatments, but my husband’s does, so if this was a route we needed, I would switch to being covered under his insurance before going that route.

I have several friends who have adopted. It is easier to adopt older children (even toddlers), than babies. My mom’s friend was adamant about getting a newborn, and she waited years and years (seriously, like 5-7 years). Some friends of mine are about to adopt (yay!!) 2 half-brothers that they have fostered for the past almost 2 years. They got the brothers when they were about 1 and 2.5 years old, and it has been a long process getting the parent’s custody terminated completely, and going through the adoption process. It hasn’t been as expensive as traditional adoption for them, but there is certainly a huge emotional toll, since the boys have been living with them for almost 2 years now and they love them.

You may not have any trouble getting pregnant: the fiancée of a friend of my husband’s just gave birth 2 days ago, and she is 40 (or 41, I can’t remember). 2 women my husband worked with gave birth after 40, but of course, it’s always good to do research ahead of time. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

NYU has one of the best IVF programs, and these are their success rates:

“In a single cycle of IVF, about 64 percent of 30-year-old women wound up with a child. At 35, 47 percent were successful; at 40, only 28 percent; at 43, only 13 percent; and at 44 and over, it’s 2 percent.” 

So, you’re looking at a 28-30% chance that IVF will work on the first try… and at the expense, you have to consider how many rounds of treatment it may take… and how you still could not end up not pregnant via IVF.

I do really want to commend you for your openness to adoption. Is there a reason that you cant begin trying to have a child NOW? If that doesn’t work (reality is that it’s healthier for you (and baby) to give birth now even vs 2-3 years from now) and if not you can begin the adoption process which wouldn’t probably pan out for 2-3 years anyhow. Or try to begin the adoptive process and see where it takes you. Worst case scenario, you end up with 2 bundles of joy or you stop working towards the adoption 🙂

I know a LOT of families who have adopted. I even know families who have adopted FOUR siblings between 5-12 years old at the time of adoption. It’s SUCH a blessing! I know babies who have been adopted around the globe. Other places to consider on top of Asia/Africa are Russia and the Ukraine.

Again, Thanks for being open to adoption, it’s such a beautiful selfless thing that will bless you more than you could ever imagine.

Post # 16
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

@michelle314:  You don’t need to do IVF necessarily, just because he’s having harvest.  I was 38 when I got pregnant with my daughter on our honeymoon… first month trying.

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