- 9 months ago
Warning: Long post ahead.
Some background: I’m 32F and my boyfriend is 34M, we have been together for 7 years, however for the last 2 years it has been just utter turmoil for us both. We met while we were both at university and I graduated from my dentistry degree at the end of 2015. I have been working since then and my career is on a great path, I earn a very good income and I’m very satisfied in my job. Boyfriend graduated from his law degree one year later at the end of 2016 and I said to him that while he’s in his last year of university and I’m working full time I will pay for everything so that he doesn’t have to stress too much about money. He was still working part time 20 hours a week just so that he could keep his sanity from study and also so that he could contribute something – he would probably earn about $450/week. When I say I paid for everything I would pay for the rent, groceries, electricity, water and pretty much all the bills related to the household this equated to on average $600/week. He would pay for his own phone bill and contribute to groceries $50/week and pay for a date night meal every week approx $50. I offered to take care of everything because I was the bread winner for the year and I thought it was a nice gesture as I would expect him to do the same if roles were reversed. I was also hoping that would help him save for an engagement ring later.
Anyway in January 2017 he was the one that said to me lets go ring shopping to work out what type of ring you would like. So as you can imagine I got really excited and I chose my ring and we worked out the size of the stone and ring size I would be. He said an engagement would happen by the end of 2017. Come end of the year 2017. Nothing happened, I was devastated. I brought up to him how upset I was and that this broken promise was extremely hurtful. He literally didn’t know what to say but that he was sorry and said that he had so much stuff going on this year – he self diagnosed himself with depression, was hating his new job even though he got offered another job and decided not to take it. In a nutshell my boyfriend I would say right now as I can see it with a lot more clarity in the last 2 years, is quick to complain and blame everyone and everything else for his misfortunes. He has a law degree but decided while he was studying that he didn’t want to become a lawyer because he couldn’t see himself liking the job but just felt that he had to finish his degree. So then he applied to work as public servant at the tax office. He said he was content with just working in this well paying but super boring job that was mainly admin (nothing to do with law) as he could earn decent money to then pursue things he really wanted to pursue. His biggest dream is to work in IT, don’t ask my why he didn’t just finish his IT degree (he did it for 6 months then transferred into law because he thought the job prospects were better). So as he was getting more depressed in this admin job he started looking for other jobs. He got offered 2 jobs working in the private sector that paid more money- he turned down both because he then decided that private sector jobs require more work and he didn’t want to risk having to take work home. He said he’d rather stay in his boring admin job because he didn’t have too much responsibility and once he’s out the door work stays where it is. Then for the whole of 2017 he was just super miserable and I guess he forgot that he promised he would propose to me?
Anyway he then promised that he would propose by the end of 2018 (I will be 31yo). Which kind of annoyed me even more because I’m like you’ve dragged it on for a year already what the hell are you waiting for? It’s not like he didn’t have any money. He made a lot of extra income buying and selling things on ebay. He would always brag to much how much money he was making and how he’s a power seller etc. I even told him I don’t want an expensive ring (no more than $5000 because I wont be wearing it everyday because of my job) and that my priority is to be engaged and then have kids, the wedding wasn’t so important to me because my biological clock is ticking. I felt that I can compromise and forgo a wedding for now because I would rather have children between 32 and 35. So i assumed he was saving for my ring. I waited patiently again. A girl at my work came in one morning and was so excited about getting engaged – her and her partner had only been together for 1 year. This really upset me because after 5 years I had no engagement ring and I went home and told my boyfriend about this and he could see how upset I was. We had my friend’s wedding in May 2018 and by now my boyfriend knew how sensitive this whole engagement/wedding thing was to me. He said to me a few days before the wedding, “please promise you wont get upset at the wedding” and I said ok but deep down I was like well you are the cause of all this because you’re taking forever to propose. He kept reassuring me from 2016 – when we had been together for 5 years that he wants to be engaged, married and have kids but his actions were not showing it in my opinion. It got to the point where everyone around me was getting engaged, married or having children. And everyone – I’m not even exaggerating here, had been together less time than us – less tan 5-7 years. I deleted all my social media because I was getting so upset seeing everyone around me that had been together for less time than us getting engaged and married. I felt like such a shit person because I wanted to be happy for all these people yet at the same time I was feeling very hurt.
So my ring arrived in May 2018 and he kept it hidden in the house. I didn’t even go looking for it. I wanted it to be a surprise. I told myself if he waits to propose in november/december I’ll probably be even more hurt because he knows already how waiting is killing me. I’ve told him numerous times that I didn’t even want a big proposal, I said i wanted something simple but a surprise. Nothing big and public. Hell just ask me when I get home and walk through the door after work, any moment that just catches me off guard thats all I ask! And again there’s always this constant compromise that I’m always making for him – I feel like I’m always trying to make it easy for him. June rolled around nothing. Again I make an excuse for him – oh we just moved house its pretty stressful I wont expect a proposal. July – ok its been 2 months just be patient wait til August – nothing again. September – nothing. October – Had a huge fight about it, I told him i wanted to shake him and be like WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR. And then he said he was planning on waiting until our 7 year anniversary on November 15. Which is what I thought he was waiting for but to be honest I was just so upset that he was dragging it out for sooooo long. November 15 rolled around – nothing. You can imagine how upset and devasted I was after this date.
I moved out in october after that fight and stayed at an air bnb for a month because our relationship was on the brink of a huge breakdown and I literally could not handle the stupid waiting game anymore. It was literally consuming me. To the point that I almost didn’t even want it anymore. Everything was irritating me about him, his hair, the way he was driving. He would make effort to go out with his friends and I would be so angry and questioning why he puts so much effort into everything else but not making the effort to give me my grand gesture of a proposal and a ring? I was feeling worthless, unappreciated, not good enough and also that I was on some sort of good behaviour bond in order to get a proposal. Also everyone I’m not materialistic at all, I made the executive decision early on for both of us that we dont buy each other birthday and christmas presents because it’s way too stressful trying to work out what to buy the other person and we have everything we need already. We usually just go out for yummy food for our bdays. The point I’m getting at here is I’m a low maintenance girl and the only things I want in life are to be happy, healthy, to expect and have what I believe are natural progressions of a long term relationship – engagment, wedding, babies, house, all in no particular order.
On november 15 our 7 year annivesary date, boyfriend was sick and didn’t go to work. I was still living at my air bnb because I honestly didn’t know if i was going to go back. But yes i still expected a ring on that date. I thought if he really cared he would still keep his promise, show me that ring and ask me to marry him to prove to me that he wanted me back and to move forward. It would have been the perfect date and time to do it. Anyway nothing happened and I was guttered, he didn’t even ask me to come over that night to do anything? he didn’t organise anything for that date. So then he told me that night that he had organised dinner and movies the day after because he took and extra day off work. He said he really was trying to show me that he appreciates me. We went to the movies first then dinner and towards the end of dinner I could already tell nothing was going to happen, I spent the last 30 mins of our dinner with tears welling up in my eyes and then we drove home and had a huge fight again about me not getting my promised engagement. After 7 years he accuses me of wanting too much and too soon. He said that I want everything and I want it now. I sat at his house on the floor bawling my eyes out and then I said to him “You know what, after 7 years I’m rightfully allowed to have it all, and if i want it all right now thats ok too. It’s not like we’ve been together for 2-3 years, we’ve been together for 7! and after 7 years I want to be engaged, i want marriage and kids and yes i want it all right now” He saw how upset I was again, panicked, ran up stairs and got my ring and put it on my finger. I said “dont you have something to ask me” and he responded “will you marry me” i said “yes” and cried some more. That was it. That’s how we got engaged. I was upset it happened the way it happen, he didn’t put any effort into the proposal, actually he didn’t even propose, i had to ask him to. But at the time I felt a huge sense of relief.
Fast foward to 2 months later he will say his biggest regret is not asking me sooner to marry him. I asked him a month ago, why the hell did you wait so long? And he would say that he just had “so much shit going on”. And said to him ” you’re always going to have shit going on no matter what”. And his own step mother said the exact same thing to him when I suddenly moved out in october. And this is the thing in our relationship that I’m starting to realise, he always keeps making excuses for why something can’t happen.
We had another fight yesterday because in the last 2 weeks I found out he gambled our savings on the stock market and is now 80k in debt. He lost 50k of our actual savings, and then racked up another 80k in credit card debt all in his name. Again he blames everyone else but himself. He says that because he had to look after his brother’s dogs he couldn’t keep an eye on his phone when the stock prices plummetted. And then he did something where he tried to use more money (credit cards) to get win it back but lost even more. And for this he blames Donald Trump for the goverment shut down at the time that caused the stock prices to go down even further. He says that what’s happening to the stock market right now, all the experts have been saying its out of the ordinary. And then he proceeds to tell me that 8 maxed out credit cards is not that many. Is he actually serious?!!! I have one credit card for work and thats enough. I only found out about this debt because I wanted to go get a preapproval for a home loan to find out how much we can borrow. Again I’m always the one intiating these future/moving foward plans. Turns out we cant even use our joint income to get a home loan now because my partner has too many credit cards. The only way is to pay them all off and close them to even have a chance to use our double income to get a joint homeloan. So I have to buy a home on my own now with my income alone. Lucky I have my own 50k stashed away that I never gave him. I could afford a home for us on my income but it would have to be a cheaper house now.
I’m at my wits end with my partner, I told him last night that I’m now starting to worry that my dream of becoming a mum in the next 2-3 years is out of reach because of this debt and again he accused me wanting too much too soon. He didn’t even reassume me that we would get through this and that I could still have a child in the next 2-3 years. He just got defensive and said all that. Said he would try and get a better job because he’s still so miserable in this admin job for the last 2 years yet doesn’t put any effort into apply for new jobs. I said that we probably don’t see eye to eye when it comes to moving forward. I feel like if we both wanted the same thing (engagement, marriage, babies) we make it work no matter what, not him constantly making excuses like “i was depressed” “i had too much shit going on” or “you want it all and you want it all right now”. I’m starting to lose faith in our relationship because I feel like I’ll be strung along for another 2-3 years and then ill be leaving babies too late and be too old. I don’t want to waste my child bearing years on someone who I feel can’t see the importance and urgency of my timeline and who just gets involved in high risk activities to make a quick dollar only to lose it all. I feel like he doesn’t care or hold the same regard as me to waiting to advance this relationship.
Thank you everyone for listening to my rant. I know there’s always 2 sides to every story but please let me know your thoughts from mine and your 3rd party perspective. Should I cut my losses now and leave or stay and make it work? I feel like if the last 2 years is anything to go by then I’m more inclined to leave.