Need advice – should I leave or stay?

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
1123 posts
Bumble bee

For the love of all that is holy.

This relationship is a dumpster fire complete with flame throwers, blow torches and grenades, surrounded by lines of kerosine for miles

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you have to worry about marrying this loser- you had to force his hand into getting engaged 2 years after he got a ring. It’s not happening. 

Although I will say: He’s a complete moron for not marrying you. He’d have it made- companionship, sex, $$$$$$$ to help dig him out of his debt, an enabler for his out-of-touch-with-reality tantrums about adult responsibilities, you name it.

He takes no responsibility for his unhappiness with his career, he lied to you for 2 years and strung you along about getting engaged, racked up 100k+ in debt while you financially supported him, has wasted many of your child bearing years with not even a second thought, the list goes on……

You have everything to lose and nothing to gain with this entitled deadbeat. You would think it would be the other way around with him wanting to marry you ASAP for the financial help you would offer him but yet he still won’t marry you. That’s a blessing!!!! Why??? Because…

He’s going to take all of your money and piss it away. And blame you. And take you down with him. He will keep lying. And gambling. You will never get ahead in life, like how you are right now before you’ve tied yourself to him. You will never have kids with him. If you let this happen, you will have no one else to blame but yourself. You’ve been warned 



Post # 17
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

80K debt is enough for me to run far far away..

Post # 18
266 posts
Helper bee

He doesn’t respect you enough to avoid gambling $50,000 of your hard earned work.

Leave. You deserve better. At this point I would look into having a sperm donor as children seem to be something you really want. 

Post # 19
329 posts
Helper bee

Sweetie, you need a partner, not a man child. He allowed you to give and give for years, hiding behind excuses – and hid this major financial problem. You said he has a pattern of excuses – that will not go away. You have plenty of time & seem to have yourself together – I would spend some time alone & be open to meeting a real life partner. I know it hurts… but it will get infinitely better. Wishing you the best ❤️

Post # 20
652 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Reread your post and substitute “I” with your sister or best friend’s name. You would be telling her to LEAVE!

His debt is enough reason to leave. He’s irresponsible with everything- finance, life decisions, you, everything! He’s been ignoring your feelings for the past 7 years, he’s gonna do the same for the next 7 years. Run!

Post # 21
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

luckycat :  you deserve so much better. 

Post # 22
1557 posts
Bumble bee

Holy shit cut your losses and run girl run. You are a smart, successful and educated woman and you can do so much better. Look at his history, he doesn’t stick by anything he says he’ll do – his IT career, law career, proposing, he wants to take the easiest path possible. Not even gonna go into his massive debt…..

Post # 23
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

luckycat :  

Bee, you do not have a partner.  You have a reclamation project.

Children?  Oh, dear gawd, no.  Please do not drag innocent children into this. Their father would be a horrendous role model.

If this is how you wish to spend the rest of your life, so be it. Your path, your choice.

You certainly sound nothing like what we typically observe with a newly engaged Bee. Where is the joy? The excited ring pics? The gushing? The emojis and exclamation points? The overall effusiveness?

Not one thing in your post reflects a shred of happiness. It’s dreary and feels like resigning to one’s fate.

My suggestion would be to do some soul searching to determine what drew you to such a low quality relationship. The staying in it part, you explained yourself. That’s a result of feeling worthless, unappreciated, not good enough. How is it that your sense of your own worth is pegged to whether some guy will marry you or not? Is he the low hanging fruit? Does that make rejection from him sting even more?

Bee, your loser bf is not the problem. It’s time to turn inward and get to know you. Good grief, you are an incredibly intelligent and accomplished woman. What drives you to treat yourself so poorly?

Post # 24
381 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

RUN, if you marry this guy his debt is your debt. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE! xx 

Post # 25
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I was already thinking this sounds like a disaster before I got to the part where he gambled away your savings. Bee, I really hope you take everyone’s advice here and get out of there ASAP. You deserve to find a man who doesn’t string you along for 7 years, give you a shut up proposal, and then gamble away your savings. I would absolutely not want to have children with someone this irresponsible and selfish.

Post # 26
2499 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, please, for your sanity and financial well-being, please dump this irresponsible, whiney, lying, selfish man-child and move on with your life. He is not worth another thought, breath, moment of your time. Walk away and don’t look back. You are worth 1000X more than how he is treating you and you deserve a partner who loves you, puts you first, and whose words and actions back up this feelings. 

Post # 27
2512 posts
Sugar bee

Oh, bee. 

I was already thinking “she should leave” because of the way he strung you along and how miserable you sound. Then I got to the part where he lost 50k “on the stock market” and sunk himself an 80k debt hole, and he didn’t even tell you about it – you only found out when you tried to get preapproved for a loan.

First off, losing your entire savings on the stock market seems hard to do. Stocks are volatile right now and the market is down, yes, but how on earth do you lose 100%? I’d be skeptical that that’s even how he lost it. It’s way more likely that he was just blowing through it to buy stuff/pay bills before he took on the debt, or that he used it to pay down the cards and then maxed them out again.

Regardless of how he lost the money or racked up the debt, that’s a HUGE red flag. Money is the #1 cause of divorce, so don’t fall into the fallacy that money doesn’t matter. It does, especially when you’re dealing with someone who is this irresponsible and untrustworthy with money. Then there’s the deception. How on earth could you ever trust him about anything? He withheld crucial information from you. And then there’s the fact that he refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions and just blames external circumstances for his failings.

I do kind of get it. I once dated a guy who was 40k in debt and living paycheck to paycheck with no savings. He came clean to me about it, but I was already invested in the relationship. Though it freaked me out I wanted to be understanding. I wanted to help; I got him to cut up his cards, call the companies to negotiate payment plans, and set up a Mint account. I didn’t let him pay for anything from then on out, and I even moved him in with me and took on paying the bills myself on my paltry paycheck because I wanted him to be able to start paying it down. I was younger then and didn’t see it as as much of a red flag as I think it is now. I wanted to believe that money wasn’t important and he had so many other qualities I loved and this was fixable. That’s before I found out he was sexting other women, which was the last straw for me. Then I realized that his compulsive, destructive behavior in messaging other women was part of a larger pattern that I should have paid attention to earlier. 

The thing is, finances are important. They’re something we don’t like to talk about so I think it can be hard to get a sense of what a normal, healthy financial attitude is. But in your bf’s case, the state of his finances reflects his overall state of being. In short, he’s a mess. His priorities are out of line. He is being dishonest and is driven by a cycle of compulsion followed by shame. That tells you a lot about who he is. That’s not to say you need to pay attention to how much money someone has, but rather how they manage it and approach it. 

Please please please dump this loser. You deserve so much better. 

Post # 28
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Holy shit. Get outta there before you have to deal with this trainwreck for the rest of your life. Yikes. 

Post # 29
421 posts
Helper bee

Personally, I would take him stringing me along on the engagement as a blessing in disguise in light of the recent discovery of his financial disaster. At least you found this out before you married and became legally tied to him. He is definitely nowhere near marriage material.

Post # 30
1395 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

If you’re questioning it enough to come to a forum like this, you KNOW you should leave. 

Seriously, this guy is not worthy of you in the slightest. Get the hell out of this relationship that’s been dragged along far too long.

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