Need advice – should I leave or stay?

posted 9 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry this is happening to you, bee. I went through something similar – minus the financial aspect. My ex and I didn’t have the greatest relationship, but I loved him so much and I wanted it to work out. I ignored a lot of red (burning!) flags because I was so clear in my mind that this was the man I wanted to be with, forever. We went ring shopping, I went with him to pick up the ring, and then he tried to take it back so he could propose later. I said, no way, just do it now! I made him pull off the side of the road to propose to me because like you, I didn’t need a grand proposal. I also paid for part of the ring myself. He didn’t know what to say, so I told him what to say. He repeated my words, and yay we were engaged. I was so happy and excited. I told myself that the proposal didn’t matter. Surprise surprise, he dumped me a month later. 

Years later, I think back on that proposal a lot. I made everything so easy for him, much like I did in our relationship. He didn’t ever have to put in any real work. In fact, every time he had to work, he checked out. He didn’t want to be with me, he didn’t want to marry me. He married someone else 2 years later and has 3 kids now. 

Don’t be the woman stuck in a dead end relationship, tied to someone who is irresponsible with money and doesn’t communicate with you. Don’t be the woman who settled for a shut up ring. Be the woman who ended something that wasn’t working and found someone amazing because of it. 

Post # 32
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee

Noooope nope nope nope nope nope.

Post # 33
Member
1950 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

luckycat :  There is literally nothing, nothing at all, in your post and in your description of your relationship and your boyfriend (can we even call him your fiancé with the way that proposal came about?) that would be a reason to stay. If you stay, you’re staying because you’ve been together 7 years. The time you’ve wasted already is no reason to waste more. If you marry him, you’re marrying him, his irresponsibility, his massive debt (that he kept from you), and his lack of commitment and frequent broken promises. Why would you want that? There’s nothing desirable about your boyfriend’s character!

Post # 34
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

Yes, you should end it. 

I also want to add, you sound like a responsible, reasonable and ambitious person. You deserve so much more in life than the man child you have now. I would almost guarantee you’ll meet someone soon that will make you wonder how the heck you spent seven years with that dead weight. 

Onward and upward!

Post # 35
Member
7002 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I hope this is a spam post and someone just trying to get a lot of attention…because I refuse to believe that anyone could have a partner like this and feel the need to ask an entire internet group for advice. Like it’s common sense….OF COURSE YOU SHOULD LEAVE HIM!!! LIKE WTF??? He gambled away YOUR money. 

Post # 36
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

You do know that if you married him, his debt becomes yours?

i know it will hurt … but you will heal. If you don’t act (for fear of the pain), you’ll have many more years of being drained. 

 

Best to rip the bandage off quickly and weather what comes after – and then heal, and be ready for something magnificent. 

 

 

Post # 37
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

If after writing all that out you still don’t see why you should run, you deserve the relationship you’re in. Just don’t drag innocent kids into your shitshow.

Post # 38
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

HE LOST $50K of BOTH your savings? And took on $80k MORE? And didn’t say a WORD? That is outright theft, at least $25k of it (if half that $50k was earned by you). If someone hacked into your bank  account and took that money, it’d be a felony. Frankly, I’d dump the guy and press charges if I was able to.

 

Post # 39
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

The gambling is an addiction and a sickness that will leave him financially devastated- just like drug addiction.  He is the only one who can help himself in this matter- don’t waste any more years of your life in this. You aren’t too old to meet someone else and have a family

Post # 40
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Girl, GET OUT!!! This guy is a trainwreck & he’s gonna take you down with him, the longer you stay. You deserve better than that!! 

Post # 41
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

He isn’t taking responsibility for his actions and is content just whining(loosing the money cheating a job he doesn’t have to stay at, etc).  And why the heck would he not propose when he had the ring that long and knew how much it bothered you?? That’s not acceptable for someone that has been your partner for 7 years 

Post # 42
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee

disbeeprincess :  This. Do not take on that debt as your own by marrying this dumbass. For an educated person, he’s made terrible decisions, both financially and in his relationship with you. Do not stay- you don’t have to tolerate this. 

I would also want my money back if I were you. Get your rental lined up, stay out of the house you’ve shared with him, and insist on him reimbursing you. Lawyer up if you must. 

Post # 43
Member
2227 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Oh man, you really buried the lead on that one.  Even if I could get past all the other stuff, that kind of money mismanagement is the hugest red billboard of a flag.  He’s in his 30s and acting like that…. he won’t change and you’d be setting yourself up for a lifetime of financial disaster.  Sorry lady but you gotta run.

Post # 44
Member
768 posts
Busy bee

I don’t even understand how you can run up £80k of debt….unless he’s buying speedboats and shit!

Like, just how?!

Do you have a nice speedboat at least?!

Post # 45
Hostess
9633 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

luckycat :  OH MY GOD. Ok, there is so much going on here, too much.

1) You said it yourself he blames everyone else for his misfortune and misery. RED FLAG #1

2) He is completely complacent with his job, his future, his life. He is LAZY. Do you want to know how I know he’s lazy? I know he’s lazy because he has a law degree that he won’t use AND he tried to “get rich quick” on the freaking stock market!! THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ANYONE!

3) He isn’t passionate about ANYTHING. You said his dream was to work in IT, but he gave it up after only 6 months of studying. He wanted to quit his law degree, but he plodded through it just to come out on the other end with something he’s not even proud of and doesn’t even use. Hell, he’s not even passionate about YOU, his fiance.

4) He bought you a “shut up ring” after not following through on his own timeline, and didn’t even give it to you when he said he would, until you had a MASSIVE breakdown and he literally shut you up with it.

5) Now he’s in MASSIVE credit card debt from piss poor financial decisions, and you cannot own a home in both of your names.

Bee, do NOT marry this man. His debt will become yours. You do not deserve that. You didn’t deserve begging for a proposal from your partner of SEVEN years. Not only is he lazy, unmotivated and bad with money, but he’s a liar! You never would have found out about it if you didn’t do the legwork to buy a home.

Marriage does not change people. If you think you’re ok with your life looking like this until you die or divorce, then go for it? Otherwise, I think you have a PLETHORA of very sound reasons why you need to end this.

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