Need Advice: Should we pay for fiance's father to attend our wedding?

posted 2 months ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should we pay for fiance's father to attend our wedding?
    Yes - this is such a small price to pay to have your father / FIL there on your wedding day : (51 votes)
    53 %
    No - this is not your responsibility; if your father / FIL wants to be there, he'll make a way : (45 votes)
    47 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    6695 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2050

    bluecutie00 :  Seems easy. If your fiance wants him there, pay for him to come. 

    Post # 3
    Member
    5314 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Can you afford to pay his travel? What does your FI want to do? If he wants him there then…lools like you’ll have to pay.

    Post # 4
    Member
    977 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    You seem hugely against paying for his father and have a very me, me, me attitude. ‘Why should I spend my money to help out anyone else?’

    Personally if my partner wanted a parent to attend our wedding and they couldn’t afford to travel for it I would never dream of not paying for them to attend purely for the principle.

    Post # 5
    Member
    12624 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If your FI wants his dad there and this is the only reason he wouldn’t be, I’d pay.  $700 is a small price to pay for helping rebuild poor familial relationships.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2576 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

    This is a huge life event & I would absolutely extend the olive branch (assuming you two can afford it). I certainly wouldn’t be lending your FIL money on the regular, but I think a wedding is different.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4852 posts
    Honey bee

    Is his father doing his part to repair  the relationship as well? 

    It sounds like the father has led a rather dysfunctional life and it sounds like your fiance is trying to extend the olive branch and forge a relationship with him (which is big hearted of your fiance but also leaves him vulnerable to being taken advantage of)….so my big question is: what is the father’s attitude toward your fiance?

    If it’s “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you son, thanks for reaching out I’d love to build a relationship with you, talk more etc. I wish I could go to your wedding but I just can’t manage it financially” , then I say pay his way if you can do so without hardship to yourselves, even if the reason he can’t pay his way is due to his own dysfunctional life choices. 

    If his father’s overall attitude is more “Well if you want me at that wedding you’re going to have to shell out for it” remorseless take-advantage, then I wouldn’t pay a single penny for him to come. 

    Your fiance may be trying to create a relationship with his father that mirrors the relationship he’s always wished he could have had with a dad- however if his father is an unapologetic user and a disinterested parent, all your fiance’s efforts can’t make his father into ‘great dad’ material. Watch your fiance’s back for him to make sure your FFIL isn’t taking advantage of this. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    45642 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Plus, he should have plenty of extra money, since he doesn’t pay rent…

    How would he have extra money if he doesn’t work?

    You are not going to change his father. He doesn’t have the money to travel.

    I would leave this decision up to your FI and support him in whatever decision he makes.

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    284 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    “Wouldn’t miss it for the world” Except you have to pay for it? 

     

    I also so think we need more background on the relationship and why they don’t get along. Is it that they just don’t see eye to eye on things? Or is it something much worse, like abuse as a kid or the dad just abandoned him? If it’s the latter, I wouldn’t be paying for anything for this guy 

    Post # 10
    Member
    3770 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

    FI biological dad has been MIA since he was five. He doesn’t reach out to him and the last time they spoke he asked for money. This was on FI birthday mind you but he had to call the deadbeat to remind him about it. He lives out of state. I asked over a year ago if he’d like to have this man attend and his response was, “I have a father here. I’m not going out of my way to invite the sperm donor when he can’t even recall his granddaughters name.” So if this man has put zero effort into repairing their relationship I personally would have no problem with his absence. Yes, its a major life event but if he hasn’t given a sh*t about his son any other day attending the wedding will not change that. But I do agree with supporting your FI decision so if he decides he wants the man there then pay for him.

    Post # 11
    Member
    122 posts
    Blushing bee

    If your husband wants him there and it seems that they are trying to build a relationship then I would say go ahead and pay. My husband and I both offered to pay for our moms’ to attend our wedding, because we knew they didn’t have the resources. They’ve both made bad decisions in life that got them to a place where they have no money, but it was our wedding and it felt like the right thing to do.

    However, it sounds like his dad just expected you and your fiance to pay? Did he actually say I’d love to come but you will need to pay for me? I would take issue with that. It seems rude and pretty entitled. If your fiance will regret not doing it and you can afford it then maybe you should just pay, but I think you have every right to be unhappy about how his dad handled the situation. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    977 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    bluecutie00 :  the father got married in July but is living rent free with your fiancés mother? 

    You can have your concerns and reservations but I really think this is your fiances choice.

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