(Closed) Need advice stat!!

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@Fall_in_love:  IMO… I say you keep your bridal shower date. It’s her loss. You will still have a great day if she is there or not!!

Post # 4
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Also, My future “cousin-in-law” has a maid who lives out of state, we picked a date for the shower well enough in advance for everyone to make it. In the end, the maid who lived out of state did NOT make it to the shower. We missed her, but it was not the end of the world.

Post # 5
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

@Fall_in_love:  I’m not completely sure I’m following your post, it’s not completely clear to me which bridesmaid is flying if she has the money or the exact timing of what is happening in January or was happening in January.  But, if I get the general gist an out of state bridesmaid cannot make the shower (and fitting) that she originally thought she could.  It seems some sort of an exam has come up that she must not have known about when dates of your parties were discussed.  I’m sure she had no control over the scheduling of the exam.

I think you decided to have this girl in your wedding for a reason, you must care about her a lot.  Unless there is more to the story and more drama behind the scenes that we don’t know,  I’d tell her that you’re disappointed that she cannot come to the shower but you understand that she had no control over this, and try to find a fitting work around.  I’d party with her at the bachelorette and be happy to have her stand by me at the wedding. 

 

 

 

Post # 6
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Wow, your girls are going to your dress fitting, none of mine have bothered to ask me how I’m even doing, let alone attend things. I have yet to hear from one of them if she is even coming to my bridal shower, which happens to be her bday (sucks but what was I supposed to do, change my shower date bc of her bday?), she has alredy planned to get hammered the night before so I’m guessing she will either no show me on my shower day or she will come hung over and crabby, which will prbably really piss me off. She also refuses to get her dress hemmed bc she “cant afford it” yet she can afford to go out numerous times a week and blow a bunch of money on booze. I am at my wits end with her. I dont even want her to be in it anymore. Why even agree to be a maid if you dont follow through with your maid duties. Funny thing is, I havent asked anything of her except that I allowed her to pick her dress in the color I chose, she gets to pick her shoes, hair, etc. All I asked was that she pay for the dress. Hasnt bothered to particpiate, ask how I am as a friend, let a lone a bride…I bet if I gave a list of ‘expectations’ like you gave, I wouldve been bitch slapped by her. I would say you should be thankful for their particpation. My one girl barely evenr responds when I try to get together with her or asl how she is. 

Post # 8
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am an out of state bridesmaid in a wedding in July, and I will be missing both of the showers. Early in the process, the bride said “I know you have to fly in for the wedding. All I ask is that you make it to my bachelorette party. Screw the shower.” Two years ago, my sister said the exact same thing. Honestly, coming in from out of state is not always easy, and things do come up. She probably should have talked to you earlier–if funds are a problem, maybe she really cannot afford the shower, bachelorette party and coming in for the wedding. Even if she drives, gas can add up. I know it’s tough from the bride’s perspective, but try to think how you would feel in that situation. I’m lucky both brides I’ve been in a wedding for recently have been super understanding. Also, my mom has my dress and I will be trying it on when I’m home for the bachelorette party. If I need it altered, I’ll bring it back home with me and get it done here. 

 

 

 

I can definitely see where you’re coming from and why you’re upset. I just want to give you the other perspective. Yeah, it would be great to have her there, but she’s going to be there for the wedding and that’s what’s important. 

 

Post # 9
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

@Fall_in_love:  And the bigger thing is she orriginally said for maid dress shopping she could come then week of backed out. How do I know bachelorette and worse wedding won’t be that way??

I get that she agreed to be present and not cannot do that.  Is she generally a solid person who is good at her word or is she generally unreliable?  If it’s the first time – and she seems to feel badly about it by her offers to try and come if she had the money – then it isn’t likely to be repeated.  But, no, you will never know for sure, there are no guarantees in life, everything is a calculated risk.   

So, what are your options?

  • What I described above – be as gracious as you can to your FRIEND and understand that sometimes life changes the best laid plans and try to come up with the best compromise available.
  • You don’t have the funds to ship dresses out of state for alterations/fitting, but somehow she’s supposed to find the funds to fly to your shower? (Maybe she can afford to have the dress shipped to her for fitting – that would be less expensive than buying airfare)
  • Confront and berate her and make her feel guilty and/or kick her out of the wedding resulting in a damaged or lost friendship? Not worth that in my opinion, you may feel differently.
  • Other? – I’m honestly not being snarky.  As I see it the above options pretty much cover what’s available to you. 

Post # 11
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry, but you lost me when when you handed out a list of expectations. 

Unless you are paying her travel expenses you cannot demand she attend anything other then the wedding. 

Perhaps this girl is now realizng that she cannot do all she thought she could. I would hate to think a true friend would think I scheduled an exam so I couldn’t attend an event, or wouldnt be willing to extend me the courtesy of not  nitpicking my financial situation.

Post # 12
Member
5014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t understand either, but oh well if she misses the shower. One of my out-of-state bridesmaids is missing mine, no biggie! If she can’t be there for a fitting, ship the dress to her. I don’t see the issue…

Post # 13
Member
1796 posts
Buzzing bee

@Fall_in_love:    Yes, it would have been much better if you’d known earlier in Feb. If she isn’t the most reliable person, then that makes it more difficult. Given her historoy of unreliability I’d guess I’d be a little less understanding and let her know that this makes things more difficult than they needed to be.  But at the end of the day – it is what it is.  The solutions available don’t seem to be numerous, and none of them are perfect so something has to give.  You get to choose what that is.     

Post # 14
Member
5014 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Fall_in_love: I’m sure you can figure out the straps thing, this isn’t something to kick her out of the wedding over (which it seems you’d like to do).

Post # 15
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

I don’t understand the expectations list given to each bridesmaid. I can see something like this given to MOH but I would be a disappointed bride if I gave a list to my girls being fully aware they have very busy lives of their own. I just need them to show up for BM dress trials (which they have), for rehearsal, and the day of the wedding. If they decide not to come to the rest, I am a big girl and will be fine without them! The most important events in my opinion are the dress trail, rehearsal, and the wedding day.

Post # 16
Member
7 posts
Newbee

[Comment moderated for trolling]

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