(Closed) Need Advice: Stepdaughter from hell…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@imataloss:  Oof, this is a tough one.  If your husband backs you, and how you feel about the situation, you have to play hard ball.  It will probably get worse before it gets better, as she continues to test her limits – or have them defined in the first place – but she’ll come through eventually.  You can’t control what happens at the mother’s house, but you ARE in charge at your house.  She needs to know that.  Explain to her that when she is in your house, she has to obey your rules.  Keep them short and simple and limit them to 4 or 5.  Truthfully, I’d watch a little Supernanny to get some ideas as well.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

She is 6 years old with divorced parents, no boundaries and a stepmother who clearly resents her. Rather tall order for a first grader to deal with.

Family counseling, stat.

Post # 5
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Are you certain that she really is getting her way all the time at her mom’s house, or is she just saying that? Little kids can be super manipulative if they think it will make them get their way. Also, since going to your house on the weekends is new it’s probably throwing her 6-year-old mind into a loop and she’s acting out because she doesn’t know how to adapt.

If you or your husband have talked to your stepdaughter’s mom and she really does get her way then I have no idea! But if not, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s acting out. I would definitely recommend some kind of counseling…both with and without the 6-year-old! (without so you can maybe talk about how to deal with her when she’s there with just grown-ups)

Post # 7
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I find it horrible that her father has no say in how she is raised. 

It sounds like her mom has “divorce guilt” which is what my Fiance and his ex-wife had for their daughter for a while until she started to become a terror.  Each of them felt bad about the divorce and wanted their daughter to be happy so they both would buy toys endlessly, let her run the house, dictate meals, etc.  SD started to become a snob at the age of 5 and they both realized they had to rein her back in a bit.

Your husband definitely needs to get more involved with his daughter and also her teachers at school.  We found that SD’s attitude got much better when she started school because her teachers wouldn’t take her crap. 

Post # 8
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with Katyelle on this.

 

Post # 9
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

Wow, that sounds bad. My parents divorced when I was a little older than that so I know all too well how kids can try to manipulate parents and pit them against each other. I don’t have kids of my own yet, but I think setting boundaries and rules immediatley is going to be important. Sounds like she is definitley testing to see how much she can get away with. Make sure your husband backs you up – expalin the rules are set by both you and your husband.  Like PP said, set rules and enforce them, all the time. Try not to let her get the best of you! I imagine if she sees you becoming visibly upset this might encourage her. 

Are you sure her Mom lets her get away with choosing her food and all that tv? Maybe she’s just saying that to try and get you and your husband to allow her. The only other suggestion I have, is perhaps you amd your husband can have some pre-planned special outings when she comes…for instance, getting out to the park, the zoo, etc. 

I’m sure some other Bees with kids can give better advice than I have, but I just wanted to sympathize and wish you good luck with this.

Post # 10
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Family counceling is needed and fast. Mom too or especially. If that’s not possible then she would still benefit from it, even if she only has to behave on the weekends. The boy situation for a six year old is just not acceptable. Her dad needs to be a bigger influence in her life as much as possible.

Post # 11
Member
7739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@KatyElle:  That’s an unfair call. I don’t see any resentment in that post.

The most alarming thing I see is that she doesn’t go to school enough. That can be grounds to call family services (or whatever it’s called in your area) and/or give your husband more custody, I’d have thought. With more time in a stable environment (i.e. away from Mom) things can improve.

Post # 12
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

Please think about getting a video recorder, this could be dangerous if the child starts cying abuse! Then you have proof of the real deal here!

Post # 13
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

@KatyElle:  +1 !

She is only 6.  She has inhereted problems through no fault of her own.  I hope you go to family counseling!

It reminds me of being a teacher- no matter how much you gain with the students, they go home and get all kinds of screwed up.  I think you and her father (and ideally her mother) need to come together to have some set guidelines and ways o dealing with different scenerios.  Also, you cannot take what a child says to you personally. 

Post # 14
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@paula1248:  Unfair how? Blaming a 6 year old for having absolutely no boundaries or clear expectations from two different families and wishing she would get out (because she is after all from hell) isn’t resentment? 

Post # 15
Member
7739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@KatyElle:  Unfair because you say she resents the child. Real supportive.

Where does she blame the child? She clearly, clearly blames the environment.

She wants the child out of the house at times. That’s not resentment, that’s frustration.

Post # 16
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@paula1248:  We are definitely going to have to just agree to disagree on this one. 

Oh I just saw you edited your post. No, I am not supportive of speaking this way about a first grader. 

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