Post # 1
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
Hi Bees,
The backstory: There has been some tension between FSIL and myself because I chose not to include her in the bridal party. I have a very close group of friends and we are having a small wedding = small bridal party. To help her feel included, I asked her to do a reading – she said no because it’s a “consolation prize role” in the wedding. Oh, and by tension I mean she does not want to continue to have a relationship with me. She is “very hurt and upset” about the situation and “thinks the world of me.” At this point I just feel pushed around and bullied into her getting her way of being in the bridal party.
This drama has obviously spilled over to affect FH and FSIL relationship, as well as my relationship with FH. FH and I are now fine, but he feels she is not included enough in the wedding. What tasks would you recommend she take over for the wedding? As the wedding is 10 months away, I already have a dress, and the location is over 6 hours away from where she lives, I am having a hard time “including her” in things currently. My mom and sister (MOH) are throwing a bridal shower and do not want any input from FSIL or FMIL (can you blame them for not wanting extra drama?) so that’s out of the question.
OH, and to top this whole thing off, FSIL’s husband’s brother got engaged over the weekend (so her BIL) and she is throwing them an engagement party!!!!! Something she never did for her own brother (my FH)!! I would think an engagement party would be nice thing to plan if you are not “feeling included” as well as show your brother you are “so close to” how excited/happy/supportive you are of his new fiance. Instead she is creating drama and causing rifts between myself and my FH. GRRR!! (sorry, slight vent session).
But seriously, any suggestions would be appreciated – I’m thinking coordinating the day-of events? I do not have a wedding planner/coordinator so that’s something that someone will have to do. We are doing our own flowers, that’s something to do – but not until next May.
Thanks!
Post # 3
Member
45639 posts
Honey Beekeeper
@Ohiogal1201: I doubt that she will be satisfied with a position that is basically work. She wants to be in the wedding party and the pics, not working behind the scenes.
I would just ignore her and carry on with your plans.
Post # 4
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
@julies1949: What about the rehersal dinner? I don’t have plans for that yet, and it’s typically the “groom’s side of the family’s responsibility” to plan that – would that be a good idea?
Post # 5
Member
4779 posts
Honey bee
My advice would be to carry on just as you are. She had a chance to be included in your wedding ceremony in a very visible way (the reading) and chose not to accept.
If she is given another part I’d worry that she would use it to create more drama.
Maybe you could keep the reading position open and hope she decides to do it after all – that way if she tries to create drama it only reflects on her???
Best of luck and I hope you will enjoy your planning from here on out!
Post # 6
Member
1728 posts
Bumble bee
I’m with the others – at this point nothing you give her otherwise is going to sate her, and I think if you continue, it may just continue feeding into the drama over the next 10 months.
As I see it, your options are:
Carry on.
or
Drop the wedding party entirely. Though they’re a nice touch, they aren’t necessary and I can tell you it was one of the best decisions I ever made in getting married. No drama, no problems.
Post # 7
Member
1592 posts
Bumble bee
I’m surprised no one has suggested including her. I was hurt when my brother didn’t include us, but I got over it because they only had a BM/MOH. I’m actually not including them because we’re just doing best men/MOHs.
FI has close cousins who are like sisters to him and I know his mom was initially upset that we didn’t include them, but he was OK with it and they didn’t say a word. (I know they are having financial issues).
If it’s important to your FI and his sister, I think you should include her. It doesn’t mean she has to make it to the bachelorette party or help with the shower honestly.
Post # 8
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@Ohiogal1201: Could you make her your personal attendant? Like the day of she can help you with your dress and veil?
Post # 9
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee
@Bubbles42: I actually agree with you. I would be hurt if my brother didn’t include me in the wedding party. I just feel if that’s his ONLY sister, what’s the big deal? She is only one person, it’s not as if he has 5 sisters and all of them want to be included.
Post # 10
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
@Ohiogal1201: She is being a brat…try to ignore it, if she doesnt want to do the reading that is ridiculously immature. Start as you mean to go on, its your wedding:)
Post # 11
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
I agree with most other posters. You’ve already given her the option to be included with a reading, and it sounds like she’s being petty. Some of the other options sound more like “work”, and judging from what you’ve told us so far, I don’t think she’d be into that. And remember, giving her jobs, also means more opportunity for her to add drama and control things. I don’t necessarily agree that you should just include her to appease her. This is one day that is all about you and your FH, and as long as your FH is okay with it, then I think leaving her out of the bridal party is completely acceptable. It sounds like she’s kinda immature, and I think including her just to keep her happy is the wrong way to go.. it will only reinforce her bratty behaviour (e.g. put up a stink/ and then refuse to be included in any other way when the offer is extended.. and eventually end up in the bridal party.. it delivers the message to her that, if I complain, act petty/ am unwilling to compromise, I will get my own way).
Also, it shoudn’t be completely up to you to include her. Your FH could include her on his side.
Post # 12
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
I had to deal with the exact situation and so I know how you feel. Unlike you however, my FI and I had agreed that she would not be included and then months after he bascially turned around and said that it would be important to him to include her. She on the other hand felt entitled to be included because as she told me, its HER brother. So well, I gave in and included her. She is now unable to pay for her dress (i bought all their shoes), unable to contribute to the shower and basically if she is to participate in this wedding, expects my FI and I to pay for her dress and my other bridesmaids to cover her share of the shower.
All i’m doing is laughing at this situation because it is so ridiculous that she would insist on a position and not be mindfull of the accompanying expense of it all. The reason we had decided to exclude her in the first place is because we knew it would be tough on her financially, she is 24 and has 2 kids by a dead beat who does not help her.
Ah well….I’m just waiting to see how it all works out. As a high school friend of mine would say “why cry when you could laugh”.
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