(Closed) Need advice with MOH

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
7405 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

So if I follow this correctly, you have a friend who has always been a little flaky, and you’ve made her co-MoH and have the expectation that she will do a bunch of party planning and not flake on dress-buying appointments?  To me, that sounds like you’re setting everyone up for failure, because you’re acknowledging the weaker points in her personality and expecting her to suddenly improve on those things just because of your wedding, and it sounds like she hasn’t done that and you’re angry and disappointed.  I think you have a square peg (flaky friend) and you’re trying to mash it into a round hole (planning and commitments).

You basically have two choices:  

accept that she is who she is and change your expectations of her (which may mean she doesn’t contribute much to the bachelorette party planning and you may have to choose the dress for her and give her a deadline by which she must have it purchased, and accept that she might or might not show up for try-on appointments or DIY craft adventures or anything else)

Continue to expect a level of commitment from her that she has consistently shown you is not in her nature, allow the resentment to build and prepare for the drama that will surely come your way


It’s probably best to go with Option #1 and let your other MoH know that she’s planning your party on her own, making it abundantly clear that you will be satisfied with a very simple affair since you know she is very busy.

Post # 4
3105 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Kendrao: I think you’re overreacting and you should let it go. You know the type of personality your friend has and it’s possible she’s just not that interested in wedding stuff. She is well within her rights to go to a Halloween party (if you’re younger, I’m sure that the majority of people her age went out on Halloween night) and as long as she ends up with the dress you approved and it fits her on the wedding day – that’s what matters, right? You shouldn’t be involved in your bachelorette planning (asking what has been done, etc.) because it’s a party thrown in your honor and it’s not a requirement. 

I think you should pick up the phone or see “Erin” in person and make an effort to focus on your friendship outside of your wedding planning. How is it possible that you haven’t spoken to your best friend in 2 weeks? That’s a bigger concern to me than her having a hangover. 

Post # 5
2137 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well I don’t think you’re overreacting…  I think it’s fine to acknowledge that she’s flaky, but she should also acknowledge that being unrealiable when someone else is counting on you is very unfair.

And unlike the PP I don’t think it’s weird that you havent’ seen Erin in 2 weeks.. I don’t see my best friends that often because I have a very busy life and so do they.. 2 weeks is not a long time.

What I would do in your situation is meet up with Erin and say to her ”I know that you’re the type of person who likes to improvise/change plans and that’s fine, I love you like that, but there are situations where it’s really important to me for you to be there, or situations where canceling feels like a big deal.. and I was really disappointed when you didn’t come to the dress appointment. I guess I didn’t make it clear that it mattered to me, but because it kind of did I felt like I had to tell you..” Just talk it out. Next time make it clear to her when something matters to you.. and hopefully she will make more of an effort to be reliable.

🙂 Good luck!

Post # 7
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Kendrao:  Even if you tell her your expectations you might still be disappointed. I had this happen too. I have a super flakey friend, and expected her to act different (mainly because she said she would), then she didn’t. At first I was really angry too, but let it go because really we’ve been friends for a long time and I know who she is, as PP mentioned, a wedding isn’t going to change her personality.

You can have an expectation talk with her, but my guess is she has no idea that you’re angry with her, especially if she’s done things like this is the past.

Best to let go of all expectations, you’ll find yourself a lot happier and your planning process much more pleasant.

Post # 10
719 posts
Busy bee

I think that if Erin doesn’t show up for the bridesmaid dress appointment, then you can go ahead with Becca and Erin loses her chance to have a say in the dress.

I think that if Erin doesn’t show up for a meeting with Becca, then Becca should feel free to go ahead and plan the bachelorette party on her own.

I don’t think you can expect people to apologize or be any more considerate than they care to be.

Post # 11
46961 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think amanada3334455 gave you good advice. Have a talk but  recognize that she is a flake and you knew that before you asked her her.

I also suggest that you don’t plan dress shoipping trips for the night after a Hallowwe’en (or any other) party. That is also setting yourself up for failure.

Post # 13
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Kendrao:  While I agree with PP that you knew her personality and flaws before you asked her to be Co-MOH, I dont necessarily agree that it’s fine for her to flake out on you because “that’s just how she is”. Honestly, it’s incredibly rude.

I would ask to get together with her, and I would lay it all out on the table. If you need another few weeks to calm down about it, I would take that time and then meet up. 

Post # 14
480 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would for sure have a talk with her. I know when I became Maid/Matron of Honor for the first time I hadn’t realized how much of my time was actually needed. I really had no clue(1st wedding I was ever in).  At one point I did get frustrated because I did have my own plansand life.  Sometimes I wasn’t always free whenever she needed. The flaking last minute is kind of lame though. If she knew she couldn’t make it she should have told you ahead of time. 


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