(Closed) Need advice…Big fight and I didn't do anything wrong (Long)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I wrong?
    Yes, you should not be friends with another guy : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Yes, you should have said something to FI : (12 votes)
    9 %
    No you aren't wrong, and it will be ok just work through it : (60 votes)
    43 %
    No you aren't wrong, he's just a man and is insecure : (66 votes)
    47 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    This is tough but if this were my situation, I would stop talking to Mr.Gym. My husband comes before any other man and if he is uncomfortable with me being friends with someone then I have to respect that. I get that it’s unreasonable because you should be able to be friends with whomever you want but that isn’t always the case for people with trust issues.

    Personally, my relationship with my husband is more important than some guy at the gym. If I were you I would tell my fiance that I understand he has trust issues and we will get through this together. If he would rather me not talk to Mr.Gym anymore I completely understand and will respect that.

    More than likely he’ll see he is being unreasonable and back off. But maybe not. Either way, no more yelling and saying hurtful things about breaking up. Neither of you want that. He is scared of losing you.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1376 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I say he’s completely out of line. You weren’t hiding anything (really, you do not need to tell him everytime you add a new FB friend, it’s completely irrelevant) and you have a very appropriate casual friendship with this guy. 

    And being cheated on in the past is not an excuse. My S/O was cheated on too (although they weren’t married) and he has never questioned me or told me not to be friends with someone. I wouldn’t be with someone who acted like that.

    Post # 5
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. You didn’t have any bad motives and weren’t hiding anything. I personally think it’s kind of mean for your Fiance to have said all those things. 

    I have plenty of guy friends due to my nature and line of work and while I let SO meet them, I don’t constantly update him on my social life.

    Definitely have a chat about it. I personally wouldn’t like it if my SO were so controlling.

    Post # 6
    Member
    290 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    This is your FI’s issue; not yours. Don’t let him make it your issue. I do hope you continue going to the classes you enjoy going to IF IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!!

    You TALK to other guys. You may even have other guy FRIENDS. Oh no!!

    Fiance needs to get over it. 

    To be honest, I would be so incredibly annoyed with his behavior and don’t think I’d tolerate it for too long. 

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    4313 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Yeah I think he is definitely overreacting.  But I don’t know why you would have to FB someone you barely know.  Just doesn’t seem appropriate.  I’d just delete the guy, but I don’t think that’s going to make you FI’s insecurity issues just disappear…

    Post # 8
    Member
    342 posts
    Helper bee

    You didn’t do anything wrong, but something about it makes your Fiance uncomfortable. From the standpoint of someone who’s been cheated on as well, I really think you should do what it takes to make Fiance feel ok about it. Insecurities don’t just go away, so don’t expect him to “get over it”.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2786 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @worldtraveler:  this.

    Op, you are not his ex, and you shouldn’t be made to pay for her mistakes. I think your Fiance needs to work on his trust issues, and should probably consider counseling if a public fb conversation sets him off like this.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2961 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Good heavens! I would LAUGH at my Fiance if he got mad because I was FB friends with a casual acqaintance! MOST of my friends, coworkers and acquaintances are men and my Fiance doesn’t have a problem with that.

    I can see why your Fiance may be wary, considering his past experiences. I would be VERY clear and honest with my communications with him. SHOW him any and all communications with “Mr. Gym”. Invite Fiance to go the gym with you and meet this guy. But your Fiance also has to trust you if you both are going to have a happy marriage!

    Post # 11
    Member
    3102 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    @HerbieBride:  this is nonsense. Are you never supposed to interact with a man ever again??? Your fI is insecure and that is not your problem. He can not dictate who you talk to or who posts on your FB wall. Just because bad thugs happened in his past does not give him the right to punish you for them. He needs to work on himself- this has nothing to do with you. I would not be comfortable agreeing to marry someone so insecure and controlling. It’s not going to get better without some sort of intervention- counseling or such. It just won’t. Please really take this behavior to heart. It is not ok. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    3553 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I think your Fiance is being ridiculous. I understand he has emotional scars from his past relationship, but he can’t use them as an excuse to control you. Your Fiance might feel better about the whole thing if he met Mr. Gym. Maybe it’s time he finally took you up on your offer to join you at the gym so he can meet this guy, get his own read on him, and feel better about your relationship with him.

    My Fiance was really uncomfortable with my Boyfriend or Best Friend being a guy while we were in LDR until he met him a few times. Now he gets that I’m absolutely not attracted to my friend, but we have tons of common interests and we have good conversations. I skype my friend (he moved to Swizterland) when Fiance works weekends and he has no problem with it.

    Post # 13
    Member
    5965 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    Oh boy…what a hot mess…not yours by the way.

    First off, I would send a lovely thank you note to your FI’s ex for turning him into a paranoid psychopath who has no ability to control himself when it comes to this fear of infidelity and all thanks to her vaginal exploits…it’s awesome that you get to pay freight on her shit, seriously, that’s super nice of her.

    BUT, that’s kind of the deal with relationships…we all have baggage, and it looks like you stumbled onto a steamer trunk of insecurity.  Of course you didnt’ do anything wrong and you certainly didn’t try to hide anything…you don’t have to stop going to the class you like, talking to people, start covering your face or shaving your head….this is all the noise of an extremely scared person, who obviously loves you very much and also carries a shit ton of anger for his ex because just look at how crazy this has made him.

    I would say, that just for this week or so…we all take a break, you do some other workout routine, I know it’s super important to you, but let’s let everyone count to 10 ok?  I would tell Fiance that there are to be no more discussions, snide comments, snooping or other suspicious activity, BECAUSE NO ONE IS HIDING A THING!!!

    Then I would ask that FI sign up for some solo counseling, so that he can be angry and hold accountable, the person that did wrong and not you, and also gain some knowledge and tools to effectivley communicate his feelings and anxiety when and if it appears in your relationship due to circumstances beyond your control.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    396 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Please please please don’t listen to suggestions that you should “cut off” Mr Gym for your fiance’s sake.  You will be opening up the door to further controlling demands.  You know your own intentions, you know they are appropriate and you know that it is absolutely unreasonable for your fiance to dictate who you can talk to. 

     

    Do you think any of this might also stem from an insecurity about not going to the gym? You mention several times that he won’t go when you ask him to, and now here’s this other guy that does go. So he might be feeling extra-insecure because he knows he should work out but won’t.  After this all blows over I would maybe refrain in the future from asking him to go with you, I think it’s just adding a layer to his seemingly low self-esteem.

    Post # 15
    Member
    8461 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Accountabili-Buddies

    @HerbieBride:  This is awesome, and you should be allowed to have friends.  Plus, it’s your FI’s fault for not investigating his own suspicions by going with you to the gym.  You haven’t hidden anything from him, he has no right to accuse you of anything.  Have you guys considered counseling to deal with his trust issues?  It might be something to consider before tying the knot.  Best of luck!

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