(Closed) Need advice…Big fight and I didn't do anything wrong (Long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I wrong?

    Yes, you should not be friends with another guy

    Yes, you should have said something to FI

    No you aren't wrong, and it will be ok just work through it

    No you aren't wrong, he's just a man and is insecure

  • Post # 17
    Member
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    your FH should attend a class with you and meet mr. gym

    Post # 18
    Member
    54 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    View original reply
    @HerbieBride:  If you are thinking the same exact things, definitely DO NOT let him get his way. Nip it in the bud and resolve your issues as soon as possible.

    I’ve gone the above route with ex boyfriends and it’s only gotten worse, even tricking myself that I could “handle it”. 

    Post # 19
    Member
    3170 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    View original reply
    @HerbieBride:  I know I’m the only one here saying to stop being friends with Mr.Gym but I don’t agree that he will become controlling from that. Unless your fiance is an ass and is already controlling that shouldn’t happen. Being protective does not make him controlling, it makes him scared. My husband was cheated on and has these same issues that your fiance does. He isn’t controlling at all, he is just so scared that I’m going to cheat on him.

    I have to respect that as his wife. Isn’t that a huge part of marriage, respect? Talk to your fiance about all of this and see what he says. He might surprise you.

    Post # 20
    Member
    4045 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    That is a really tough situation. On the one hand, you are definitely not in the wrong. But at the same time, like a PP said, your relationship with your partner is way more important than some gym buddy.

    I think you need to sit down with your man and tell him the accusations have to stop because he has no reason not to trust you. Explain that you’re going to have male friends, but that you will never cross any boundaries, like no one-on-one time with a guy friend. Drive home the idea that you’ll never do anything like that to jeopardize your relationship. Make the conversation as calm and non-accusatory as you can. Don’t fret about who is right or wrong. Just focus on the issue and how it makes you feel.

    As for this gym friend… I don’t know. I suppose you could finish out the current class and revisit the idea with your man. Ask for realistic expectations. It isn’t realistic that you’ll never have any male friends, so what is? No outside hang outs with the guy (which it doesn’t sound like you’re doing)? No outside communication with the guy? I don’t know, but I feel like you do need to do something to make your man more comfortable since that is the most important relationship. But at the same time, he can’t be controlling who you speak to.

    ETA: Also, I wouldn’t hesitate to invite your Fiance to the gym again. Tell him if he’s worried that it might help if he tags along every once in a while to see what you do every week and see the environment and that nothing is wrong.

    Post # 21
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee

    Honestly, if he keeps harping on this, you should tell him to either A) suck it up and cut out this childish passive aggressive thing he has going on, or B) suck it up and go to the gym with you.

    Hell, he might even LIKE Mr. Gym after meeting him.  Also, I’m not sure if he realizes that not all men wear wedding rings for various reasons.  My dad never wore his because of work.  Didn’t want to lose a finger.

    This controlling behavior is unacceptable.  If he’d said something like, “I’m a bit uncomfortable with you hanging out and being FB friends with sexy, buff Mr. Gym without me,” that might’ve been better.  The way he’s treating you is terrible.

    Post # 23
    Member
    290 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    A couple of gals have pointed out that your relationship with your Fiance is much more important than your relationship with Mr. Gym. Absolutely true. No argument there.

    But what about your relationship with you? Isn’t that more important than any external relationship. You have your “normals,” your boundries, per say; the things you enjoying doing on your own, your own friends, your own interests. If it is NORMAL for you to have guy friends and hang out with guy friends then your normal needs should not be trumped by your boyfriend, Fiance, DH needs/wants regardless of his reasoning. Period. Every time you give up a little something of yourself that you don’t want to, it will only lead to quiet resentment until you are no longer the person you used to be.

     

    Post # 24
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    This level of jealousy and insecurity is a bit of a red flag.

    It’s like you said — all your conversations are 100% public. You don’t even seen to have been in a private space with him once! Mr. Gym only sees you when you’re all red and sweaty and contorted and jiggling… OK that’s just me projecting, you probably look much sexier when you work out than I do, but from my shoes, The prospect of someone being attracted to me when I’m bouncing all over in yoga pants with my cellulite hanging out is just silly lol. If FH thought I was cheating at the gym I’d probably die laughing and make things worse…

    You haven’t done anything wrong here. Nothing is even REMOTELY shady about your interactions with him. Your dude needs to get over it. He should go to the gym with you — maybe Mr. Gym can get his wife in and you can all hang out when your FH realizes he’s happily married and probably just doesn’t wear his wedding ring while he’s lifting. (I mean, ow.)

    I’d also give him permission to do spot checks on stuff like my FB messages and phone any time he feels like. (FH and I already have this, not for suspicion but just for other stuff, family and friend stuff, but I have an inkling that it makes him feel more secure.)

    Dude definitely needs to talk to some to some kind of counselor or something… he’s not treating you fair, he’s holding you accountable for something someone ELSE did and not seeing you for who you are but who he’s afraid you are. 

    You shouldn’t be locked in your house and forbidden from making friends with 50% of the population. That’s not fair to you.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1377 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    HereWeGo Word, word, wordy, mcworderson.

    And I also don’t agree that it’s your job in any way to alleviate his insecurity. Why should you be punished for his issue? I say this as someone who can be insecure. I was the perputally single girl so sometimes I can’t believe that I found someone who loves me so much and I get convinced that it can’t last. But that’s my issue and I need to deal with it and if it ever becomes too big to deal with, I need to get my butt into therapy. But I won’t make it my S/O’s responsibility.

    Post # 26
    Member
    3196 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    @Birdee106:  Why aren’t you asking the OP’s Fiance to respect her wishes (being friends with a guy) and trust her enough to not keep badgering her about things that aren’t a problem? Yes, the Fiance has trust issues and has been burned in the past. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be working towards trying to get better and build a healthier, trusting relationship with the OP. 

    OP, I think you should keep going to your class and talk to Mr. Gym if you see him there. Maybe you don’t need to talk to him on FB, just to sort of compromise with your Fiance. But I honestly don’t see the need to stop that communication either, because it is completely out in the open. I would just mention when you talk to Mr. Gym to your Fiance when you do so he knows you aren’t trying to hide your continued friendship, but also knows that you aren’t going to be guilted/pushed into giving up your friendships because of his insecurities. 

    I think your Fiance might also be worried, not about Mr Gym per se, but that you might not be attracted to your Fiance anymore because you are all fit and healthy and he declines to partake. And now there is another fit/healthy man that you are friends with and he feels threatened that you won’t be attracted to him anymore. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    3051 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    I am inclined to agree with PPs that if you feed into this insecurity you could be opening up a door for future issues to get even bigger. It might seem silly but this one is just a gym guy so NBD, the next could be a coworker…what are you supposed to do then? Or if it’s someone you actually WANT to be friends with, you’re not allowed? That’s all just ridiculously silly. I understand he’s been hurt in the past, I have as well and yes, sometimes insecurities arise from it but you have to trust your partner. It’s not like “I’ve been cheated on before so everyone I’m ever going to be with, I’m going to worry is cheating.” I worried about my ex, there are a couple others that would have worried me occasionally just because of their personalities, but my SO would never, ever cheat & I would bet my life on it. He needs to trust you and acknowledge you aren’t his ex.

    Post # 28
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee

    Your fiance is being ridiculous.  He needs to get over his trust issues.  It’s a public message he saw and it’s not like you didn’t already invite him to the gym multiple times.  

    You say you won’t leave your fiance, so in that case I’d strongly suggest him going to counseling to get over his issues.  I can only imagine how his jealousy will escalate as time goes on.  Major red flag here.

    Post # 29
    Member
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I think this is a matter of trust: he has to be able to trust you.  

    You will be surrounded by men your entire life and you will be expected to interact with them.  I find it ridiculous that woman are expected to have no male friends outside of their fiance.  If he’s uncomfortable, encourage him to meet Mr. Gym.  Otherwise he needs to just leave it alone.

    I understand his trust has been violated in the past, but that’s not your fault.  You are allowed to interact with the opposite sex.  It’s unfair of him to treat you to the same boundaries as his ex.

    Post # 30
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    DO NOT unfriend this guy or switch classes. It sets horrible precedent: that you’re willing to quit your life for his irracional requests.

     

    Post # 31
    Member
    652 posts
    Busy bee

    @HerbieBride:  Tell Fiance to go to the gym with you if he is that worried. That way, you finally get him to go

    The topic ‘Need advice…Big fight and I didn't do anything wrong (Long)’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors