(Closed) Need advice…Big fight and I didn't do anything wrong (Long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I wrong?

    Yes, you should not be friends with another guy

    Yes, you should have said something to FI

    No you aren't wrong, and it will be ok just work through it

    No you aren't wrong, he's just a man and is insecure

  • Post # 32
    Member
    4801 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    View original reply
    @Nona99:  All of this, I completely agree. Especially with the counseling part – this guy has issues, theyr’re not because of you, and I would absolutely not marry him until he starts attending counseling. He is completely out of line.

     

    View original reply
    @Birdee106:  Sorry, but I think this is really terrible advice. There is nothing shady about her friendship with this guy (heck, I even hesitate to call it a friendship, they’ve never talked outside of the gym!) and her Fiance screaming at her, berating her, and refusing to let this go is a serious issue. And it’s going to be a re-occuring issue if she doesn’t do something about it. With the way her Fiance is reacting, if she agrees to not talk to this guy at the gym anymore her guy will probably say that means he was right and there was something suspicious about the guy.

    Post # 33
    Member
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    You didn’t do abuthing wrong. Your husband has issues. I had a boyfriend do that to me in college – we were long distance, and I told him about how much I love my classes this semester and how much better I study at night. He came to visit me and came to some of my classes and met the people in my com studies groups – one happened to be a guy. All of the sudden, my boyfriend is flying off the handle – “so this is why you like your classes, cause of this guy! And if you like to study at night, how do I know you aren’t studying with him! Blarggghh”

    I know, cool story bro, but what I’m getting at is that your DH is acting like a 21 year old who got dumped shortly after that. If you change your workout routine just so that you might never come within 20 feet of a male, you are going to be denying yourself of something that makes you happy just because your husband has trust issues.

    Be straight with him. If he can’t trust you, then you’ll need to encourage him to find another way to deal with his issues than taking them out on you.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1074 posts
    Bumble bee

    Mr. Gym didn’t do anything untoward, and neither did you. Community is really important when it comes to getting fit, and it’s concerning that your Fiance doesn’t seem to get that.

    I think you need to hold your ground, or you risk setting the precedent that if he freaks out enough you’ll do whatever he wants. Part of being a good partner in life is calling each other out on bull, and it sounds like it’s your turn! I know I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for the occasional “Really?” from my SO.

    Post # 35
    Member
    24 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @HerbieBride:  Your Fiance has an irrational fear that you’re going to cheat on him, a perspective he has formed as a result of past events. The fighting is a result of him acting on an irrational fear which in no way am I advocating, just trying to give perspective. I feel like you have two choices at this point- a) “enable” his irrational fear which will be harmful to the both of you and your relationship or b) find a way to help him understand and manage his own irrational behaviour so that you can both “be who you want to be” for the want of a better term! Counselling would be a good start, it will give him the opportunity to work on some of his insecurities and your relationship will be better for it 🙂

    Post # 36
    Member
    7242 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    First things first, your fiance is being ridiculous. 

    About almost 2 years ago I started working out. It started with a fitness group that a friend asked me to join with her. The group centered on a lot of running (training for races) and bootcamp style workouts. From there I picked up kickboxing and a few other things. Really though I just became really good friends with a lot of the people I was working out it. We’re all like-minded and enjoy working out and keeping each other accountable. My DH does not work out at all. For a little while it was hard on him, he didn’t understand, because it was a part of my life that he wasn’t involved in. Many of those people are guys, and we’re all friends on facebook. 

    Now…even though I think your Fiance is being dramatic and a jerk, definitely try to take his feelings into consideration. Here’s the thing, I see it ALL the time, soooo many relationships crumble at the gym. Not kidding. It happens so frequently when one partner gets really fitness centered, and the other is not. All of a sudden one person is getting fit, looking better, and feeling better about themselves. It can leave the other partner feeling insecure with their looks and themselves in general, and in turn can make them jealous of the relationship their partner is building with their new friends.

    I would venture to say your Fiance is feeling insecure about your new hobby, and how great you’re looking. He’s also probably feeling insecure about you being around a lot of fit guys, and maybe not feeling so great about himself. 

    That is NO excuse for his behavior. But it’s something you should bring up. Make him go with you to the gym to workout. Let him meet everyone and try to get him involved. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    7643 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    He is being really ridiculous about the situation, but I understand his insecurity. I know you said you have wanted him to come along, but maybe you need to pitch it again and say I’d love to take you to a class and introduce you to my new friends. Maybe he would feel more comfortable after he meets this guy?

    Post # 41
    Member
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    @HerbieBride:  I’m sorry you’re going through this!

    It’s obvious your Fiance has trust issues, and seeing that he had been cheated on before I can see why, but this is his issue not yours.  Does he expect you to not ever talk to another guy again?

    He’s suspicious, not because of anything you’ve done (and from what you’ve posted it sounds like you’ve done nothing wrong) but because he’s afraid you’re getting something from Mr Gym that you’re not getting from him.  I’m not talking about something sexual or anything of that nature, but you and Mr Gym have something in common (working out) and your Fiance feels threatened by that.  You cannot control that.

    I hope your Fiance is able to work through his issues otherwise for me personally, that would be a deal breaker.  You can’t go through life tip toeing on eggshells for him – you’re going to wind up resenting him for that.

    I hope your Fiance comes around and sees how he’s pushing you away.

    Post # 43
    Member
    2389 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    The problem here is Facebook.  You just should never have added this guy as a “friend.”  What’s wrong with just being friendly at the gym?  Does EVERYONE need to be your Facebook friend?  Your Fiance would have no reason to act crazy if he didn’t see this guy on your FB.

    Post # 44
    Member
    868 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    if he’s so worried about it, he can just join the gym and be with you when you go to class.

    Post # 45
    Member
    3415 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

    View original reply
    @oneofthesethings:  I don’t think Facebook is the problem at all.  A lot of people add people to their friends list who are just casual accquaintances.  My Fiance found a job this way, met someone through a friend added them to his Facebook and several months later this person contacted my Fiance knowing he worked in the same field. 

     

    View original reply
    @HerbieBride:  I think the issue is he feels somewhat betrayed.  You shouldn’t have to be punished for his Exes infidelity, however, you can’t completely blame him for being paranoid.  It sounds like he loves you a lot.  I agree with PP’s counseling, pushing for him to join you at the gym, and reassurance that you do truly love him.  I wouldn’t break off communication with Mr. Gym because it doesn’t sound like either of you are being inappropriate.  Breaking contact might suggest to your Fiance that his actions are justified and you are in the wrong.  You mentioned that you tried to get him to come with you several times.  Is there maybe an activity he would do with you outside of the gym?  Walks, indoor swimming (since I see you are from Nebraska and winters in the midwest…brrrrr) and in nicer weather biking.  If your class ends in a couple weeks how about you take a break from the gym and workout with your Fiance in some other way for a while.  Spend time with him, maybe he feels like you spend more time at the gym than with him and now meeting new people, he is afraid of losing you.  By doing an activity together you can start to rebuild your relationship and not jeopordize your health either.  Deep breaths, I think things will get better it will just take time and work.

    Post # 46
    Member
    1472 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    View original reply
    @HerbieBride:  My ex-FI was very wary of me spending time with other guys, especially when we were in a LDR, but even when he was around the guys were his friends. He’d been cheated on, which was part of the issue, but I think he was also very insecure, constantly telling me he wasn’t good enough for me, etc.

    I pretty much just did what he wanted and stopped seeing my guy friends, because he would get so upset. It never got better though, even wtih guys who had no interst in me at all, he just couldn’t handle it. Even after I broke up with him (for other reasons, though him alienating me from people when I was away from home and needing friends contributed), he got angry at me when a mutual friend of ours stayed over at my parents house (in a copmletely different room from me) because he missed the last bus home. 

    I think your Fiance is being ridiculous and his problems are his. While it is your job to do everything you can do support him and make him comfortable (buy not having inappropraite relationships etc, which you seem to be donig) he doesn’t get to make your choices with his insecurities. This seems to like it may be the beginning of a pattern, and I agree with PP that it would probably be best to work through it now instead of just doing what he wants, because he’ll keep making demands like this. Also, I think him yelling and cursing at you is completely inappropriate for someone who loves you, I get he was angry, but treating you that way is never ok. Good luck!

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