(Closed) Need advice…Big fight and I didn't do anything wrong (Long)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Am I wrong?

    Yes, you should not be friends with another guy

    Yes, you should have said something to FI

    No you aren't wrong, and it will be ok just work through it

    No you aren't wrong, he's just a man and is insecure

  • Post # 47
    Member
    1180 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Your Fiance needs help (ie counselling) to deal with his insecurities.  For the time being maybe if you insist that he go to the gym with you it may help. He seems a bit too controlling for me.  Hopefully you guys can work through this but you’re going to need to communicate. A LOT.  Best of luck.

    Post # 48
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee

    If he is that upset about this whole thing, he should just go with you to the gym. 

    Post # 49
    Member
    2468 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    just wanted to chime in to agree with a lot of the other posters–you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m the same way with gym classes: I take zumba 3x/week and love it, and I hate having to miss class, my body tenses up so much when I miss a work out. And people are generally really friendly in classes, especially when they’re regulars. I think your fi really needs to come to the gym with you, both to understand how working out can be addicting, and to meet this gym guy and realize the relationship is totally innocent.

    Post # 50
    Member
    1222 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Wow…I don’t even… my closest friends are men, have been that way my entire life. DH knows this and he also knows that if he tried to make me choose between my friends and him I would leave DH—even though I love my DH way more than any of my friends, I would not be in a relationship with someone who would tyr to manipulate me like that– especially since it is a totally innocent, platonic friendship.

    OP’s husband isn’t being “protective”m he’s being fucking insane and extremely childish.

    Post # 51
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    View original reply
    @oneofthesethings:  I disagree. The OP is an adult and her own person. She can friend whoever she wants. I don’t think ones significant other should be dictating who she can and cannot be friends with. 

    OP, you are not in the wrong and I think your guy has some serious insecurity issue. It doesn’t matter if he has been cheated on in the past, your relationship is different and he has no reason to mistrust you. He is showing signs of insecurity, controlling behavior and delusions (i.e., the stuff about you cheating on him with Mr. Gym while he is out of town).

    I would suggest having a serious conversation and working through this. If he cannot get past this or persists/becomes more controlling with his behavior, you may want to consider counseling. You should stand your ground. You are an adult and an independent person. Just because you are in a relationship with him does not mean you cannot be friends with other people, regardless of gender.

    Post # 52
    Member
    2389 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    View original reply
    @maya2008:  Oh I think she should absolutely be friends with whoever she wants!  Her Fiance is acting crazy.  What I was saying is just that I think FB creates a lot of unneccessary problems.  Her Fiance wouldn’t have anything to bitch about if she wasn’t “friends” with this guy on FB.  Why can’t she just be friends with him like normal and chat with him at the gym?

    Post # 53
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @itsmle:  +1

    I agree that your fiance is overreacting, however, he does come before any man in your life and if it makes him uncomfortable then you need to respect his feelings. Maybe eventually he will get over and and realize how insecure he is being?

    Post # 54
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    It sounds like he’s not over the fact that his ex cheated on him.  He really needs to get some counseling or his behavior is going to get old really quickly and he will make you miserable.

    Post # 55
    Member
    1222 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply
    @oneofthesethings:  

    Well if this is how he reacts to a facebook friend, who says he wont react the same (or worse) if she had any other male friend? If she has a male friend at work is she never allowed to mention his name or mention the fact they are friends?

    Post # 56
    Member
    1430 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I think your Fiance is being insecure, but with that said I see where he’s coming from. His ex wife cheated on him and affairs usually start off as nothing but innocent getting to know you’s with someone of the opposite sex. Maybe he fears this guy may have ulterior motives and he doesn’t want to get hurt again. At any rate, you need to respect your Fiance and talk to him about this as adults. Find out why it bothers him so much and come up with a plan that makes you both happy. Maybe invite Mr. Gym and his wife over for dinner or something if that helps. But I don’t think you should just dismiss your FI’s feelings over a friendship with a random guy from the gym.

    Post # 57
    Member
    2103 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Ugh, this is giving ME anxiety. I think your Dear Fiance is completely in the wrong here. He’s using HIS insecurities to ruin one of your favorite things in life…is that how you act toward somebody you love? I understand how being cheated on can mess with your head, but if you’re not in a place where you can trust a partner, then don’t get in a relationship, dummy!

    I think you need to drop a big ol’ logic bomb on him. Let him know exactly how his behavior is affecting you and that if he can’t control it himself, maybe he needs to seek some counseling to find ways of coping with the anxieties his past experiences have left him with…or he can find himself alone where he never has to worry about another man ever again.

    Post # 58
    Member
    4846 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Honestly, I would seek relationship counseling. He’s feeling insecure, you’re being put in a position that you have to fix his feelings about it, and now you feel not trusted. Yeesh. Sometimes talking it out with a 3rd party professional will really clear out the misconceptions. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Your fiance has got some serious issues. I can’t sugegst that you leave him over this, but I’d take my shit and go for at least a week or two so he knew I wouldn’t take this kind of bull from him. What kind of insecurities does he thinks warrants this kind of controling, overly-jealous behavior?

    Post # 60
    Member
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    You should always be very up-front with people who have been cheated on in the past. The instant you started talking to Mr. Gym, you should have let Fiance know that you made a gym-buddy. Even though you weren’t keeping secrets at all, now your Fiance has crazy thoughts in his head that are hard to get rid of.

    But the more serious problem here is his reaction to you. I know you touched a nerve – but he is not treating you with much respect! You deserve much more understanding from him. You never did anything wrong.

    Give your Fiance lots of love and I hope you guys work through this. He may need some time to calm down before he can see how badly he’s acting. He needs to apologize big time! And maybe he needs to talk to someone about his past to properly deal with that pain and betrayal.

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