(Closed) Need Advice…considering breaking engagement

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 33
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hugs!  I think its natural to miss him and feel bad, but remember you did the right thing!  What you said about not wanting to bring children into dysfunction says it all.  Take care of yourself, watch a movie, eat something yummy.

Post # 34
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

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@cp76: These are normal feeling in a break up.  When I broke up with my ex (who was very similar to yours), I felt sad because we had so many fun times together and I would miss that, but I also felt like a huge weight had been lifted.  And that’s how I knew it was right.  Of course you will miss the person who has constantly been in your life for however long – that doesn’t mean the relationship is right.  Good for you for making the tough decision!

Post # 35
Member
2088 posts
Buzzing bee

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@cp76: I broke off my engagment two weeks ago. It was definitely the right thing to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s going to be hard at first, I won’t lie. It’s a struggle every day. But it does get better. Even after just two weeks I’m already in such a better place than I was back then. 

The most important piece of advice I can give you if you’re upset is to keep busy. Throw yourself into new projects, give yourself a makeover, organize your home, start a new hobby, bake delicious treats, etc. At first keeping busy for me was hard; everything reminded me of my ex. But gradually it changes, and then you’re thinking about other things and focusing on your task. 

It’s okay to miss him. I miss my ex very much, and probably will for a very long time. And that’s okay; he was a big part of your life for a long time, of course you’ll miss him! But over time you’ll miss him less and less. 

Over time you’ll notice yourself going an hour without thinking of him, and then a few hours at a time, and then a whole day, then days on end. It might be hard and upsetting at first, but it does get better. It gets easier.

<3 

Post # 36
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wow, I appreciate your honesty with this difficult situation.  Good for you for giving yourself credit and loving yourself.  I think that in a year or more you will really realize that you are doing the right thing.  So much love and support for you.

Post # 37
Member
6253 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@cp76: Oh, honey. *hugs*

I broke off my engagement a couple of months ago. Fiance wasn’t drinking to excess or being verbally manipulative/abusive, but some of the fights were pretty damn bad (breaking dishes, screaming, slamming doors, storming out, etc.). We just dealt with negative emotions in completely conflicting ways.

If you’re anything like me, you’re going to feel numb for a little while. It probably isn’t ging to start feeling real right away. What you’re going to want to do is keep yourself busy. Give yourself a couple weeks to NOT think about the wedding.

I moved out almost immediately, and that helped tremendously. I spent time with family, and dyed my hair. I know it’s not in everyone’s budget, but I bought new living room furniture. I’d definitely recommend buying new bedding at the very least. It was way cathartic not to have to sleep in a bed that looked the same as the one we shared.

I read “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken.” I started a magazine. I boxed up all the planning stuff in a box, wrote Wedding Paraphernalia on the outside in black sharpie, and hid it in the depths of my storage. I ate cheeseburgers and ice cream, then I started working toward getting back to my “fighting weight”. I bought shoes and makeup. I stored the dress in the top of the closet in the room I grew up in. I put the rings away and didn’t wear them, look at them, or think about them. This is what helped me.

You’re going to be really lonely, if you aren’t already, so brace yourself. But you took back your dignity and control of your own fate, and that trumps EVERYTHING.

I’m here if you need to talk.

Post # 38
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@cp76: I’m so glad you made a decision. That sense of calm you feel is knowing you made the right choice. Of course you miss him. You have a lot of memories together. I ended an engagment and I hurt him. We did remain friends until I became serious with my husband.

If it is meant to be, it will be. I always tried to remember that when I wondered if I was making the right decision about something.

Hugs to you and I hope you find happiness and even more peace in your life now. I know you will find the man you were meant to marry.

Post # 40
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@cp76: I’m very glad to hear you made the right decision. I was in a relationship before I met my FH. I was engaged to this guy who I dated awhile back for 3 years. we broke up and then started dating again 2 years later. It was a very volatile relationship. Sounds pretty similar to your issue. He would be fine then snap and be horrible. This was especially true when alcohol was in the mix and I found myself having to explain why I was upset all of the time. I wrote letters too because he wouldn’t talk to me. It got so bad that our fights turned physical. slamming doors, storming out, hitting you name it. I came to the end of my rope one day after I found out he was talking to other women trying to hook up so I finally told him to get out of my apartment. I threw the ring at him and told him to be out. He moved out while I was at work one day and it was the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I started hanging out with friends, meeting new people. I met my fiance and it’s been awesome ever since.

Of course you’ll feel a rush of all of these emotions at first. Proud that you finally did it, sad that he’s gone (this is because he probably made you feel that you needed him to get by) lonely for sure but it all passes! It will get better and you’ve made the best decision of your life. You’ll see! Keep your head up and feel free to message if you want to talk. I feel like you may be with my ex! lol

Post # 42
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@cp76:Its only been a month so I think you should wait a little bit longer. There is no way to tell because only time will tell. If you are not over your ex, then don’t start messing with someone else’s feelings. Sorry if this is blunt. You have a right to be happy but make yourself happy by catering to yourself first. And being single is the best way to do that. Good Luck!! ::Smile::

Post # 43
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hey, I just wanted to say, I broke off my engagement nearly 8 months ago, we were supposed to get married a month from now, in September. I guess I am about 6 months out from where you are right now, in terms of breaking things off. I wasn’t in any type of volatile relationship, nothing was particularly bad about it, but something wasn’t right and I listened to my gut and called it off.

The first 3 or 4 months after that sucked. I felt an immediate sense of relief, but the memories/sadness/regret would come and go in waves. I would have a few days or a week of feeling great and upbeat and thinking I was past the worst of it, and then something would trigger me and I’d spend an entire weekend in bed. I passed the time by throwing myself into other activities, like working out, trying new things with friends, surrounding myself with family, etc. Slowly but surely I felt better and better and now I don’t regret the decision I made for one second, nor do I miss my ex-FI much.

I’m actually chiming in to talk about when it might be appropriate to date again. I’d give this advice – wait a bit longer than you think you should. Even if you think you’re totally over your ex, wait just a little more. You want to be 100% sure you’re not carrying anything forward into a new relationship, or making comparisons, or anything of that sort. The way I guaged it was by asking myself how comfortable I’d feel telling a future date about the fact that I’d been engaged and had called it off, whether I felt I’d be ready to share and talk about it, etc. When the answer was finally that I would feel OK with it, I felt ready to date.

And I’m happy to share I’ve been in a relationship for roughly 2 months with a great guy whom I’ve been able to talk to about the situation without fear of embarrassment or judgment. I waited 5 to 6 months after calling off the engagement to think about jumping back into the dating world, and I’m glad I took the time to get back on my feet and sort myself out before trying to move on in that aspect.

Good luck!!

Post # 44
Member
6253 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’d wait. I was in a situation where I broke off an engagement and started dating someone pretty soon afterwards. It was different, because I already knew the guy and we really wanted to be together (and had dated before), but there was a little bit of baggage that came with it, and dealing with it at the same time as falling for someone else has been kind of strange. Like I said, we really wanted to be together, and my life is improved so much with him that I wouldn’t trade those first few months that we had together, but my advice is that if you don’t already have someone like that in your life, wait. The conflicting emotions can be a little overwhelming at times.

If current SO hadn’t been incredibly understanding and already well aware of my character, he might not have had the patience to put up with the occasional emotional times, and frankly might have thought I was unstable for wanting to move on so soon and/or for being over things so quickly. (Like my guy, your guy wouldn’t think that if he knew the whole story, but then again, how long do you really want to spend explaining about your ex to a new boyfriend?)

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