(Closed) need advice…(long)

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

The girls are a part of his life. Just like if you had children, they would be included in the package; like it or not. I think you should make an effort to get to know them. If they do not reciprocate, then at least you have made the effort. If I was them and you had not made an effort to get to know me, I would be upset and would not want to be part of the wedding either.

Post # 4
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

It sounds as though the young women may have legitimate grudges to hold against their father, which perhaps only therapy and years will be able to help them move past. I would advise you, if you feel strong enough, to be the best person you can be in this situation and forgive them all their petty remarks and simply reach out to them. Ask them to help with the weddding, ask them to do readings in the ceremony, ask them to go out for lunch or anything. It is, at this point, your responsibility to help repair the errors of the past and establish brand new friendships in their place. Perhaps it is possible that these girls might come to like spending time with you, and become friends with you through your goodwill.

Post # 7
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i really have no experience with this, so maybe my perspective is off base, so take this with that in mind. but even after reading your clarification afterwards, i agree with littlebirds. i know i’d be really hurt and offended if my dad was getting remarried and i wasn’t invovled in the wedding except being asked to run errands–and i’d probably come up with other excuses to express my anger without talking about a deeper hurt. so you may think the things she said are “illegetimate” reasons, but there may be deeper causes of hurt, and it would help build your relationship with his daughters to try and reach out. also, you keep referring to them as your fi’s daughters rather than your future step-daughters–even though they are still adults, you are their stepmother. you say they are immature, but they’re dealing with their father–i know a lot of people who are very mature in their other relationships, but whose interactions with their parents is very parent-child driven–it can take until a situation when the son or daughter has to step in and take care of their parent for the son/daughter to see their parent as another adult. it can take longer for the parent-child relationship to grow up, if that makes sense

Post # 8
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with Finnaroo.  It’s very hard on a child (even an adult child) to see thier parent as a fellow adult.  For the most part we see our parents as people who are suppposed to take care of us and whom should always put us first.  You may see them as a 20-something-year-old throwing a temper tantrum but really they are speaking with their ‘daddy’ and he’s not doing what they think he should.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying they are right.  And I would be super annoyed with them being so immature, but as their stepmom it’s something you’re going to be dealing with for the rest of your life so you’re going to have to see it from thier perspectives.

Your friends may come and go but those girls are going to be in your life forever.  Day in day out, every holiday, birthday.. etc…  The faster you build a relationship with them the better the rest of your life will be.  And you definietly don’t want your wedding to be a bad feeling for the rest of your life because you didn’t include them.

Post # 9
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

 What were the causes of their parent’s divorce?  Has their father been a supportive dad in their life?

There are few roles in life that are harder than being a stepmom.  In the begining, it is all about having to reach out and make an effort that will often not be appreciated.  And then you try again, cheerfully. 

You state that you haven’t made much of an effort to get to know them, and that is your responsibility.  And your Fiance should know better since these children have already had one stepmother.   

This is his third wedding – I can’t imagine any of them are particularly happy about that, especially considering the fact that he is marrying a woman they don’t really know.  They are focusing on the bridal party roles because it is symbolic of a deeper problem.

Post # 10
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I agree with everyone…they should be somehow included in the wedding…you already have your bridesmaids…but can you invite them to the bachelorette party? They might not show up…but you made the effort. I think that you do need to make the effort here…or else things are only going to get worse. They may be immature and young…but they are still going to be your family very soon!

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