(Closed) Need advice…want to elope but it will make things worse

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: To elope or not to elope
    Elope! : (63 votes)
    86 %
    Don't elope : (7 votes)
    10 %
    Other - please explain : (3 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @sydneybridetobe1991:  You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    At this point, I would either

     A)pack your bags, have your Fiance come over, have a conversation with your family about how they are making your wedding horrible, tell them they can come join you for your elopment, and go on with your life.When you go to NZ, invite friends and family to come and go ahead with the ceremony. I would also offer to pay them back for whatever they’ve spent.

     B) I would pay back the money they’ve spent and go ahead and plan your own wedding.

    Send your own invites, find your own venue, do your own colors, have your own bridal party and ignore your family.

    Either way, That day would not belong to you or your Fiance if thyey are still in control. Do what is best for you and your Fiance.

    Money is a gift, not a negoiating tool

    Post # 4
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee

    Pay for only what you can afford, don’t accept the help any longer and have a day you will be miserable remembering. I would definitely elope. It’s about you and him. If you can afford to live together, get a JOP, get married and take a vacation with whatever else you can afford.

    A wedding is about the two of you first, and then about the party. Do what makes you happy.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @sydneybridetobe1991:  PS- after all the shit they say to you they DO NOT DESERVE to plan your wedding. Next time they say something like that, tell them so!! Please stop letting them bully  you. Hell maybe a break from them would do you good in life??

    Post # 9
    Member
    2587 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

    I wish I could offer more advice, but honestly there’s nothing I could add. I’m really sorry you’re in this difficult situation.

    Is there a way for you just to make a real stand and go “NO. Back off!” so they get the point? I know you said that you were waiting to live with your FH until after marriage, but maybe it might be better to go stay with him, or maybe with a friend, for a while, so they can see that all they’re accomplishing is pushing you away.

    Post # 10
    Member
    6359 posts
    Bee Keeper

    OMG with a mom like that I would elope in a heartbeat (on our own dime, of course).

    I *might* give her a warning right befire I formally decide to do so, if I really felt sympathetic for her desire to have a big wedding for me. She’d have to get that if she wants me to have a big wedding, it’s going to be my and FI’s wedding, and we, not she, will be choosing many core aspects of it (such as who to ask to be best man…. that is soooo FI’s decision and there’s no way I’d let my mom intrude on it.)

    Since your mom appears to be in full MOB-zilla mode though, I don’t think she’s going to chill out enough for you to come to sone middle ground where it can really be YOUR wedding. So I’d elope. Sorry mom, so sad, too bad. On the plus side, this should be a splash of reality for her and she should get the picture about zilla behavior and not dare try it with the grandkids.

    A wedding is just a party… yes, a party to celebrate a very important moment where you and your husband formally commit to each other for life, but it is a party, and not the end of the world if she misses being present for it or you skip having a party about it altogether. It would be much, much sadder for her to have to miss out on spending time with her grandchildren due to her extremely overcontrolling behavior. Better she learn the ramifications of her behavior with the party.

    Don’t blame yourself if she tries to control you further by threatening to cut ties with you (seems like you fear that, from what you wrote). You are not a bad daughter if you elope and don’t let her try to convince you that you are! If she really cares so little about being in her adult daughter’s life unless she can control her like a robot, what kind of mom is she being? Probably not one you need in your life anyway, at least not until she (hopefully) grows up and starts to respect her daughter as an adult with her own rights and opinions.

    Post # 11
    Member
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Sounds like a bad situation.  I don’t think you need to try to work with your family on a wedding anymore.  They are just ridiculous!  A groom should have no say in anything???  Crazy.

    Also, they are not paying for everything if he’s paying for church, flowers, cars and rings, and if you’re paying for the dress and your other attire.  That’s not insignificant! 

    I voted for eloping. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1638 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @sydneybridetobe1991:  Hell I would start the fight, and find a way for them to throw you out LOL. That way, you can leave, they won’t pay for the wedding, and you can elope and be happy!!

    Post # 13
    Member
    4193 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    All I had to read was- “My family are paying for most of the wedding and because of this they have since told both of us that we have no say in the wedding.” 

    Bull-$hit. You are both adults, correct? Then you have complete say in YOUR wedding. Your family is being abusive. Elope. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1274 posts
    Bumble bee

    Personally, I would be saving my money to MOVE out by yourself or with a roommate/friend if you don’t want to/are waiting to live with your Fiance.

    Call and cancel any wedding plans and send them a cheque for things they have paid for after you move. This isn’t normal. They are abusive and controlling of you and now they are trying to control your Fiance and your future with him. Not cool parents, not cool. 

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    2840 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I vote to elope. I think your family is horribly verbally abusive and mentally controlling of you. They are the ones who are hanging your relationship on a thread and will let it all fall apart over an elopment. Not you.  They are creating the problems. I say you should elope and start a happy new life with your Darling Husband. If your family ever wants to restore relationship with you, do it cautiously.  Escape the abuse!

    Post # 16
    Member
    2106 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Either you go along with it and they make you and your fiancé miserable for months, destroy your self esteem, throw a wedding that you hate and feels like a sham and you resent them forever and your fiancé resents them forever and maybe he even starts to resent you by the end of it. 

    OR

    You elope, celebrate your love, and have a vacation. When you come back your family can scream all they want but what’s done is done. You’ve picked your happiness and your husband’s happiness over your family. Success. 

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