(Closed) Need advise- Family Dynamics

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@MrsMcGyro: I don’t really see it as disrespect since he didn’t go and spend money you didn’t have to buy it but rather got it as a gift.

Is there a history of problems with him “running to mom” when he doesn’t get his way?

Parents usually like to do things for their kids if they can afford it, unless there’s a bigger systemic problem I wouldn’t really worry about it.

Post # 4
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I dont think that is a case of his mom disrespecting you. At least not from just what you have given us. I think its a case of a mom wanting to do something nice for her kid.

I was recently home to go to a wedding and didnt have the right shoes for my dress and said they will have to do since I am unemployed. She took me out and bought me two pairs of shoes. That is the same thing and I dont see that as disrespecting my husband or me. Its just a mom, being a mom. 

However, if he did outright ask his mom to buy it from him- then he needs to grow up. But unless you can prove that you will have to let it go.

Post # 5
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’d definately bring it up. That would bother me a lot. I’d flat out ask him in person how he got it. If his mother did get it for him, maybe next time you see her, just gently ask her not to buy any more so that you have something to get him for Christmas? That might make her realize that you are planning on getting them for a gift for him and if she buys them all, you won’t have any ideas. No use fighting with her about it…it’s him that shouldn’t be asking! Is this a frequent problem, him asking her to buy things that the two of you can’t/won’t?

Post # 6
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Honestly, I really don’t see how either situation is disrespecting you. If your reason for him not to get the game was different, say he needed to focus on schoolwork or it would interfere in your relationship in some way, I would see that it was disrespectful of your wishes. Since it was purely a financial decision, I think it’s sweet that his mother saw that he wanted something that you couldn’t afford and decided to treat him.

My and DH’s parents do this every so often. They recognize that we both work hard and we are completely independent, but sometimes if we mention something that we’re saving for, they will surprise us with it because they love to see us happy and we are very appreciative.

Post # 8
Member
1211 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

That sounds like something my mother would do. And not out of disrespect, just trying to be nice. I understand why it’s not sitting right–and he should have explained to you right away so you didn’t assume the worst–but I wouldn’t worry too much about this one 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@MrsMcGyro: I would be annoyed I couldn’t use my idea for Xmas anymore, but not at anyone. But I dont think it was a conscious effort to screw up your plan. Heck, his mom may have even planned to give it to him, but to just buy it early.

I still dont think they did anything “behind your back” or that it was childish. In all liklihood he mentioned wanting the game, but that its not in the budget and mom thought she would do something nice for him. I don’t dont see the childish behavior in that.

Nor do I think they see you as the big bad wife. It was just a conversation, a sensible one, about finances, and mom did something nice. No one in this situation is bad and good.  You have to be careful not to project your own feelings on other people that may not exist. It will only cause you stress and stress to a relationship.

Post # 10
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I def understand…..dont feel like a bad wife, bills come first before anything. I do have a question though, was the game call of duty? My Fiance waited in line for over and hour, stayed up til 2 am and used a vacation day to stay at home and play that game!!!

I know your feeliings are hurt, but just let  it go…..sometimes parents just do things like that!

Post # 11
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@MrsMcGyro: I’m going to be a bit against the grain here – if he did tell his mom he wanted it and ‘you wouldn’t let him’. I’d be pissed, especially since you specifically said you just wanted to wait until Christmas.

It’s possible his mom just got it to be nice and knew he wanted it. But, if she knew you wanted him to wait and then bought it anyway, that’s not cool with me. It makes me think of Everybody Loves Raymond – the mom would cook things for Ray and it would seem all sweet, but it was really a jab at Deb for not ‘taking care of her baby’. I don’t want to be the Negative Nancy but I’ve seen this type of situation play out with my own dad’s parents a lot growing up.

But ultimately you know the situation best – if there have been other similar events where he’s run to mommy or she’s stepped in on things – that’s a trend. But if it were a one-time thing, you’re probably just reading too much into it.

Post # 13
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@MrsMcGyro: Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! I know, easier said than done. Would you be able to talk with your Darling Husband and tell him that it made you uncomfortable? If you think it would go over well, I would say something to your Mother-In-Law too. Just something along the lines of ‘oh, I was going to get him that for Christmas, I know how badly he wanted it.’ Just enough to get her the hint that you would have wished she hadn’t done that.

But I imagine it’s not easy living with them – not a lot of space or privacy!

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Do you think she really overheard you? That would concern me most in this situation. If you are living close enough to your IL’s that they can hear a normal conversation and know all of your business – it might be time to move out. But in the meanwhile I wouldn’t approach your Mother-In-Law about the game – I would just talk to your Darling Husband. Tell him that it makes you both look bad if he runs to his parents to buy him things you guys can’t afford. It’s not that she’s never allowed to buy her son presents, but this is bordering on her overstepping her boundaries in your marriage.

Post # 16
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@MrsMcGyro – I know what you mean/where you’re coming from. My husband’s mom does stuff like this all the time, and it actually doesn’t sit right with my husband either! One time she overheard him saying that he could use a new pair of winter boots, because he’s had his for years… She said “oh, do you want me to buy them for you?” out of the blue, and he said “No, we can buy them ourselves, I can pick out my own boots, thanks!” Two days later, she called me and said that she bought him a pair of boots because she was out looking at the shoe store for high heels for her vacation and happened to see a pair of boots in his size on clearance! I asked her where she got them – turns out, it’s a store that A) does not sell high heels and B) doesn’t have sales EVER. I was so annoyed! Don’t lie to me and go against your son’s request not to buy him boots too!

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