(Closed) Need an honest opinion

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA

Hmmm, this is tough, and I’m removed from the situation so I might be thinking of it differently, but I would think you (or your fiance, preferably) would need to sit down with his mother and with some sensitivity and honesty, let her know that there is no room left in the budget that your mother has graciously offered to you for these additional guests, and maybe subtly (but again, with some sensitivity!) let her know that her portion of the guest list is already about 70%.  Hopefully, she will either offer the funds for adding the additional guests, or she will understand that when you asked for her guest list months ago, you truly needed the names of all of her guests THEN, and perhaps it is better to leave the list as is.  To be honest, if she forgot to invite them before, how important are they in her life (and, more importantly, your fiance’s life) that they "need" to be there now?

In terms of inviting the 2 year old, we’re not inviting any kids under 13 to our evening reception, so we have a clear-cut answer….. if you don’t have a rule like this and you need to invite the 2-year old, I wouldn’t worry too much.  Your caterer/venue likely won’t charge you for children under a certain age!  I would hope that a baby doesn’t cost as much to feed as an adult

Post # 4
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

completely agree with cupcake!

Post # 6
378 posts
Helper bee

Just ignore the "people are talking" comment. If they are honestly "talking" about how you didn’t put the name of a 2 year old on an invitation, they they really need to get a life. More than likely it was someone mentioned to your Future Mother-In-Law "is the baby invited" and she’s trying to make you feel bad for not putting the name on the invite. And i also agree with cupcake. Your Fiance needs to talk to his mother and tell her that when you asked for her guest list months ago, that didn’t include "oh, and then we’ll take more of your requests two months later." If they weren’t important enough to be on the initial list, they don’t get an invite, unless you have room for a "B" list.

Post # 7
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

Jeez…some people…

 The parents of the baby are probably supper excited to have a baby and a wedding invite…you know how some parents are… they’re so proud to be parents the kid MUST be considered by everybody else…

 DON’T FEEL BAD! nowhere on wedding etiquette is required for you to add a baby’s name…some people are just ridiculous.  

Post # 8
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

"People are talking" is what your Future Mother-In-Law says when she wants to manipulate you into doing something that there is no clear reason to do.  Local people don’t need to bring their kids to your wedding; they can hire a babysitter for a few hours.  I am sending out invitations in about a week; I gave everyone the guest list for the third time last week for a FINAL check, because I absolutely don’t intend to send out a second round of invitations.  We have been working on the guest list for months, and anyone who didn’t get thought of in all that time isn’t that important.

I would tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you’re sorry, but no additional invitations will be sent.  That you all would have liked to invite people who didn’t get on the guest list, but the decision to keep the wedding small was purposeful, and that you really can’t add guests at this point without going over budget. You could remind her that her portion of the guest list is quite large already, and you could suggest that if there are additional people she really feels need to be included in some way perhaps she would like to throw an open-house type of second reception at a later time.

As for the baby – is it the baby’s actual parents who are upset about this?  If the parents are upset, you can decide whether you want to allow them to bring the baby or not.  Certainly at almost 2 years old they have left the child with a sitter before, and it can’t be out of the question for them to do it again.  If there really aren’t other young children attending, except those whose parents had to travel, I wouldn’t make an exception for these people, or you will have other people feeling bad. 

You’re right that this is out of hand, and I wonder if there isn’t something going on that has nothing to do with the guest list.  Maybe Future Mother-In-Law is feeling a little out of the loop, and has to throw her weight around somehow. Maybe you and Fiance can sit down and ask her what the problem really is – why all this last minute stuff?  Because it’s actually not acceptable for her to be bringing all this up right before the RSVP date, and she needs to be told that (nicely, but firmly).

Post # 9
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I agree with suzanno.  My mom has used the "people are talking" and "what will people think" line with me many times — each time when she wants to manipulate me into doing things her way.  The argument about kids has come up so many times that I no longer even respond when she brings it up.  I just listen, and then say "the invites have already been set." If she wants to continue, I listen and then repeat the same answer. I refuse to fight with her about it anymore. 

Post # 11
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

08wedding, I totally get what you’re going through. Our RSVP date is Wednesday, and I got a list of about 6 more addresses to send invitations too last Tuesday. I’m sure most of them won’t come, but I feel bad since it looks pretty obvious that they’re on the "B-list" so to speak. I also got guilt-tripped by Future Mother-In-Law for not inviting people that she had, unbeknownst to me, invited to my shower. How could I have invited them? I didn’t have their addresses! She closed the e-mail by saying, "That should be all of the invites, unless I have a few more last minute additions." Fortunately, FH stepped in and told his mom, "No more." Love that man.

I don’t have a ton of great advice, but I feel your pain. I get along with my Future In-Laws, but they can do things that bug or annoy me, just like my own parents.

Post # 12
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I’m not too sure when your headcount is due to the venue, but have you gotten back all of your RSVP’s yet?  If not, I would wait until the due date and if it’s not too close and you come in under your anticipated number, perhaps then you could tell your Future Mother-In-Law that she can invite XY and Z….I would perhaps explain to her that since the due date for the RSVPs are so close, you’d like to have a better gauge on who’s coming and who’s not once the deadline hits before you send out Plan B guests….don’t know how feasible that is in your situation, but just a thought!  =)

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