Post # 1
I really need an outsider’s perspective on my situtation. I’ve been driving myself crazy lately & have felt talking to friends/family has given me only biased opinions (although they all mean well!).
- I’ve been dating my boyfriend now for 5+ years.
- I am 28 and he is 30.
- We’re both financially stable (he owns a home, I have my own apartment in the city).
- We live in 2 different states – about 1.5 hour drive away. I don’t have a car so I spend a lot of my weekends on a bus traveling to see him. He has a car so comes down a lot of nights, weekends as well. Travel is split 50/50 for the most part.
- He is in the military so we’ve been through 4 deployments together.
- My boyfriend is very traditional so does not want to live together until we get married. I would certainly live together if we could but have respected his wishes.
That’s our relationship in a nut shell. All of the basic principals are there – we are so happy, families get along, we spend big holidays together, spend at least 4 nights a week together (when he’s not deployed), have very similar morals/values. He took me ring shopping twice (both out of the blue!) – both times were over 2 years ago. He talks all the time about our future together – kids, future house, etc. etc.
Living in 2 different states + the deployments + his job (he’s a pilot) means we spend a decent amount of time apart. Also – sitting on a bus 2+ hours each way to see him + living out of a suitcase on his bedroom floor has taken a toll on me. I have really wanted our lives to finally come together without the long distance. He knows that I would love to live together and/or get married.
We’ve both agreed on a few realistic timelines for when we’d like to get engaged (mostly because I have asked for a general idea of when he’s thinking of taking the next step). All of our “deadlines” have come and passed. He always has an excuse — “We’ve been fighting lately.” “My deployment got extended.” (December 26 — If I ask you in January, it’s still “around the holidays.” “I’m just waiting for the perfect time.”
I hate to be a nag – but I’m starting to have doubts that it’s never going to happen. He just keeps saying it’s going to happen “soon.” But I don’t think “soon” should mean over a year later. He also makes me feel bad whenever I bring it up because he “doesn’t want to feel pressured.”
Would love to see what anyone else’s thoughts or opinions are. How long would you keep waiting? How can you be sure that he really is going to ask? I know he’s the one for me, but am starting to think he might not feel the same – despite what he may say. Actions speak louder than words!
Desperate for any advice. xo
Post # 2
Move on , if he wanted to marry you he would have promised you a commitment! Do not let him manipulate you when you bring up marriage! he is just looking for an excuse and delay further more.. I’m so sorry but do not let this man have complete control of what should be a partnership. You should absolutely put your foot down and stop wasting your time.. Tough love bee I’m sorry if i came off harsh.
Post # 3
He’s making a lot of excuses, Bee. Married people fight, too. There will always be another deployment and another set of holidays. After five years he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. Does he think you want a big, elaborate proposal? (And do you?) Or a giant rock? (Same?)
The long distance has to be getting really old by now. Do you spend much time with his family? I hate to ask this, but is there any chance you’re not his only love interest?
Post # 4
I hate to say it but I think I’d be done. I would not be making all that effort to be in a long distance relationship when he’s not showing me that it’s only temporary. Somebody who wants to be with you forever will try to end the long distance as soon as possible, in my opinion.
Post # 5
Have you discussed with him how hurt and/or let down you are with each agreed time line going unmet? How it is disheartening and makes you question your future? If yes, what is his response? Another empty promise? The typical “I feel pressured” response?
He should be concerned for your feelings. Period.
I am hoping someone else will chime in with some good advice. I have not been in your position but I would certainly feel eager at age 28 and 5 years in to want the relationship to progress.
Post # 6
he’s not going to marry you.
Post # 7
beethree : Thanks, beethree. I am not the kind of gal who needs an elaborate proposal, or ring — and he definitely knows that.
Post # 8
honeyhoney : I would move on. Sorry, he’s full of excuses and 5 years is long enough to figure out if you wanted to marry someone or not.
And my compromise would have been (if he didn’t already drag this thing out and make every excuse in the book) about moving in that you agree to be engaged and you need to move in together before marriage, because that is one thing that can make or break a copule from my experience.
It’s 100% different once you move in and he’s basically asking you to blindly marry and move in with him. Uh uh. No way.
Post # 9
With him being in the military, there’s a lot of extra incentives for you guys to get married. It’s strange to me that it wouldn’t be pushing him even more towards marriage, especially if you’re ready to commit to military life. Hoping for the best for you as you try to figure this out!
Post # 10
I thinks it’s time to set a walk date. If he cannot commit by the set date it will be time to leave. For the time being it doesn’t sound like he really wants to marry you and I would not continue to put in so much effort into a LDR that is so one sided.
Post # 11
Sounds like he likes the way things are and doesn’t want to have a full time girlfriend, just a girlfriend who is available to be around when he feels like it.
Tell him to get his lazy ass in the car and travel to you from here on out if you dont dump him.
Post # 12
honeyhoney : Oh hon. You need to dump him. I’m so sorry.
Why? There is only one reason in your post that matters. He has told you he was going to do it several times, and then he blew past those deadlines. SEVERAL TIMES. This man is not ready to marry you. That may have nothing to do with you or your relationship, it may be 100% about him personally. But you need to stop wasting your precious time with him.
And, oh my god, you need to stop asking him b/c he doesn’t want to feel PRESSURED?! I mean, that makes me want to burn his fucking house to the ground. It’s been five years. And he said he wanted this. Pressure is on a-hole. I mean, from a fucking airforce pilot. Give me a break.
Post # 13
honeyhoney : so, he’s too traditional to live together but not traditional enough to visit you even though he’s a pilot, and not so traditional that he prohibits you from spending the night at his place.
Sorry, bee, but i’m going to have to call b.s. on his song and dance. And for the love of god, don’t spend all of your time on a bus going to see someone who does not reciprocate. No.
You deserve more.
Post # 14
honeyhoney : Try going a few weekends without seeing him. See if you miss him – and if he misses you. Ignoring the timeline and making those feeble excuses doesn’t speak well of how important you are to him.
Post # 15
Personally, I’d weigh his actions over his words and his actions suggest that he’s not making marriage a priority. I know there are some people who would say walk now but I would personally bring it up to him first. Tell him you’re trying to make sense of these actions and that they are confusing to him.
That said (and I know this isn’t the whole story) it sounds like from the above you’re the one who’s bearing the brunt of the sacrifice for the status quo. It makes me wonder if he likes how it’s working now and is hesitant for things to change even if he hasn’t verbalized it. In one aspect that is so unfair because it’s clear it’s hard on you. But I also think there is some merit in it — living together 100% of the time is really different from doing a LDR.