Need an outsider perspective… What to do?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Move on , if he wanted to marry you he would have promised you a commitment! Do not let him manipulate you when you bring up marriage! he is just looking for an excuse and delay further more..  I’m so sorry but do not let this man have complete control of what should be a partnership. You should absolutely put your foot down and stop wasting your time.. Tough love bee I’m sorry if i came off harsh. 

Post # 3
Member
6752 posts
Busy Beekeeper

He’s making a lot of excuses, Bee. Married people fight, too. There will always be another deployment and another set of holidays. After five years he either wants to marry you or he doesn’t. Does he think you want a big, elaborate proposal? (And do you?) Or a giant rock? (Same?)

The long distance has to be getting really old by now. Do you spend much time with his family? I hate to ask this, but is there any chance you’re not his only love interest?

Post # 4
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I hate to say it but I think I’d be done. I would not be making all that effort to be in a long distance relationship when he’s not showing me that it’s only temporary. Somebody who wants to be with you forever will try to end the long distance as soon as possible, in my opinion.

Post # 5
Member
5038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Have you discussed with him how hurt and/or let down you are with each agreed time line going unmet?  How it is disheartening and makes you question your future?  If yes, what is his response?  Another empty promise? The typical “I feel pressured” response?

He should be concerned for your feelings. Period.

I am hoping someone else will chime in with some good advice. I have not been in your position but I would certainly feel eager at age 28 and 5 years in to want the relationship to progress.

 

Post # 6
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

he’s not going to marry you.

Post # 8
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

honeyhoney :  I would move on. Sorry, he’s full of excuses and 5 years is long enough to figure out if you wanted to marry someone or not.

And my compromise would have been (if he didn’t already drag this thing out and make every excuse in the book) about moving in that you agree to be engaged and you need to move in together before marriage, because that is one thing that can make or break a copule from my experience.

It’s 100% different once you move in and he’s basically asking you to blindly marry and move in with him. Uh uh. No way. 

Post # 9
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

With him being in the military, there’s a lot of extra incentives for you guys to get married. It’s strange to me that it wouldn’t be pushing him even more towards marriage, especially if you’re ready to commit to military life. Hoping for the best for you as you try to figure this out! 

Post # 10
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I thinks it’s time to set a walk date. If he cannot commit by the set date it will be time to leave. For the time being it doesn’t sound like he really wants to marry you and I would not continue to put in so much effort into a LDR that is so one sided. 

Post # 11
Member
9946 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sounds like he likes the way things are and doesn’t want to have a full time girlfriend, just a girlfriend who is available to be around when he feels like it. 

Tell him to get his lazy ass in the car and travel to you from here on out if you dont dump him. 

Post # 12
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

honeyhoney :  Oh hon.  You need to dump him.  I’m so sorry.

Why? There is only one reason in your post that matters.  He has told you he was going to do it several times, and then he blew past those deadlines.  SEVERAL TIMES.  This man is not ready to marry you.  That may have nothing to do with you or your relationship, it may be 100% about him personally.  But you need to stop wasting your precious time with him.

And, oh my god, you need to stop asking him b/c he doesn’t want to feel PRESSURED?!  I mean, that makes me want to burn his fucking house to the ground.  It’s been five years.  And he said he wanted this.  Pressure is on a-hole.  I mean, from a fucking airforce pilot.  Give me a break.

Post # 13
Member
11616 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

honeyhoney :  so, he’s too traditional to live together but not traditional enough to visit you even though he’s a pilot, and not so traditional that he prohibits you from spending the night at his place. 

Um, no. 

Sorry, bee, but i’m going to have to call b.s. on his song and dance. And for the love of god, don’t spend all of your time on a bus going to see someone who does not reciprocate.  No. 

 You deserve more.

 

Post # 14
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

honeyhoney :  Try going a few weekends without seeing him.  See if you miss him – and if he misses you.   Ignoring the timeline and making those feeble excuses doesn’t speak well of how important you are to him.  

Post # 15
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Personally, I’d weigh his actions over his words and his actions suggest that he’s not making marriage a priority.  I know there are some people who would say walk now but I would personally bring it up to him first.  Tell him you’re trying to make sense of these actions and that they are confusing to him.

That said (and I know this isn’t the whole story) it sounds like from the above you’re the one who’s bearing the brunt of the sacrifice for the status quo.  It makes me wonder if he likes how it’s working now and is hesitant for things to change even if he hasn’t verbalized it. In one aspect that is so unfair because it’s clear it’s hard on you. But I also think there is some merit in it — living together 100% of the time is really different from doing a LDR.

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