Need an outsider perspective… What to do?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
428 posts
Helper bee

Dump. He may marry you but he doesn’t actually want to. Go find a man who’s dying to propose. 

I can’t even “we’ve been fighting lately”  yea probabaly because he’s a dishonest douche hole that’s been leading you on. You deserve better. 

Post # 32
215 posts
Helper bee

You need to have an actual talk about this with him. Tell him how you feel and that you aren’t trying to pressure him its been 5 years…so he should know whether he wants to get married or not to you.  If you ask him directly and he beats around the bush or makes up excuses then you have your answer. If he can say yes for sure he wants to marry you (even if he doesn’t know when) then ask him what he feels needs to happen before he feels ready for marriage. Listen to him and decide if its fair to you to stay or if you are better off leaving. It is your future too and sometimes they don’t think of that. 

My boyfriend is 29 and I am 28. In June we will have been together for 5 years and we have lived together for 2 years in a house we bought together. I started seriously asking about his thoughts on marrying me probably mid last year. Its been a slow process getting him to think and being okay with talking about it. He would also say how he felt pressured and that made him not want to talk about it (not necessarily by me but his family and friends bug him about it a lot) or he would ask what the rush was (I would say 5 years is hardly rushing lol). We had a talk where I said I wanted a rough timeline because its my life too. Each talk we had he assured me that he wants to marry me and plans to. He eventually said he expects we will get married in a few years (2020). His main issue was he didn’t feel ready for marriage because he wanted to figure out some stuff in his life and he wanted other parts of his life to be as good as our relationship. And he is down for marriage but unsure about the whole wedding part and being the center of attention. Plus he feels that as soon as we get married people will be bugging us about when we will have kids. So clearly he has a lot of anxiety about how other people will pressure him. Every once in awhile (months apart) I would bring some things up and he is WAY more comfortable talking about wedding and marriage stuff and has brought it up on his own. He even started asking how getting a ring works and saying he has the money to get a ring right now. He struggles with other peoples expectations and what they think so I am enforcing that our wedding is for us and can be however we want it and same with our life timeline… as long as we keep communicating about what we both want. We have been learning how to communicate and how to share what our expectations are. For example he was comfortable enough to tell me that even if we got engaged today, he still doesn’t expect us to get married until 2020. I have told him I want to get married before I am 30 which more or less fits within a 2020 wedding.  

So I think there could be hope but you need to have an earnest conversation with your Boyfriend or Best Friend face to face. You need to figure out why he is so resistant. You need to be able to communicate with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. Tell him what your expectations for the future are and see what his are and maybe they are compatible and maybe they are not. 5 years into the relationship you should know where you are headed.

Post # 33
1950 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

These posts are frequently in the Waiting forum. They all read the same, with the same excuses. Guy says he’ll propose “soon.” Guy continually misses promised time lines. Guy gets upset/mad whenever the topic is broached, due to “feeling pressured.” It’s a cop out. You set the bar for how people treat you. If you sit and wait, and there’s never any consequences for him breaking his word, then he will continue to allow you to sit and wait and will never follow through.

Tell him that you’ve had enough of the talks with no action – you can be gentle if you want, but in truth you should be straight forward. If he pulls out the “pressured” line, tell him that you’re feeling pressured to leave him because he doesn’t follow through on his words.

Don’t let this man dictate your future. It’s your life too. You get a say.

Post # 34
383 posts
Helper bee

I think he is being a fool honestly. I would tell him you are done and act on it. If he comes crawling back (which I can guarantee he will from personal experiance) I would give him one chance to propose within a few months, thats it. If he does not, its not on you. He had a chance to make it right and blew it. 

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