(Closed) Need Bridal Party advive – Am I overreacting??

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 4
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She should have told you about the family party from the get-go.  It is completely understandable that she is choosing a family party.

About the finances, part of me thinks that you should just stay out of it.  Everyone has their own financial situation and it is none of our places to judge others.  Maybe she said yes 2 years ago, but is feeling a pinch.  Presumably the family party is less expensive than the bachelorette as well, hence her decision.

I’m confused about the bridesmaid dress part.  You loaned her the money for the dress and she spent it on something else?  Because that’s not cool.  But how do you know THAT was the money she spent partying?  Does that mean she doesn’t yet have her dress?  Did you ask her personally (and the rest of the bridesmaids) for a budget for the dress?  $100 is cheap compared to other bridesmaid dresses that cost $150-$200, but it is still expensive for some people.

Post # 6
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t think you are wrong for being upset at all. I think you need to sit down and have an honest heart to heart with her. It seems like something is up with her. Just let her know how much it means to you for her to be a part of your wedding day / bachelorette party / any other wedding event. Tell her that your feelings are hurt because it seems as if she doesn’t want to be involved. Ask her if there is a reason why she is acting this way and just let her know that if for some reason she doesn’t want to be a part of your wedding then all she has to do it say so.

Bridesmaid or Best Man issues are always hard but you have to learn to get past them. I have 6 bridesmaids and each one of them are different. One of them wants to be involved in everyhing, while one of the other ones acts like its a chore to even talk about my wedding. You just have to roll with the punches. Give her the option to opt out if she’s really not that into it. If she decides she doesn’t want to be in your wedding then so be it. It may hurt but if she doesn’t want to be a part of it then she doesn’t deserve to! Don’t let her take away your wedding moments. You (should) only have these moments once in your life.

Post # 7
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You have a right to be upset, but I wuold just let it go.  It’s been said on this board repeatedly that 1.) no one cares about your wedding as much as you (and your FI) do, 2.) you can’t force your bridesmaids to do anything except show up on the day of the wedding wearing the dress you’ve selected and 3.) you cannot dictate how your bridesmaids spend their money or their time.  It sucks and I would hope friends would be more involved and happy to be, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches as Shannonh32 said.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Well getting mad at her is pretty pointless.  She’s made it clear that your wedding is not a priority for her.  Which shouldn’t be a big deal–don’t ever expect for someone to make your wedding a priority in their life.  It’s a bit much that you expect her to be saving up for this over 2 years.  I should not be having to save up to participate in my friend’s wedding. 

Instead of being mad that she is not as enthused as you were hoping, be sad that you will be missing your friend and say as much to her.  Say that you were really looking forward to seeing her and are sad that she is unable to but you understand her reasons why she cannot attend.  Perhaps try seeing if you can help her out financially to come.  It sounds like she lives paycheck to paycheck and probably just can’t afford it.

Post # 10
Member
5479 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would be upset with her too, but her financial priorities are none of your business.  I would feel hurt and let down if one of my dearest friends was uninterested in my wedding, but I wouldn’t have the right to dictate how my friend spends her own money.  It was nice of you to cover the cost of her dress, and by no means is that required of you.  The fact that she didn’t seem to appreciate your assistance, and instead of paying you back she went out clubbing, well that says something about her as a friend (not necessarily as a BM).  I think you need to talk to her.  All she really needs to do is show up at your wedding in her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress.  Tell her while you’d like her to be more involved, you understand that your wedding is not the center of her universe.  I’m sorry you don’t feel like she is responsible or supportive, but that seems to me that it’s more of a friendship issue and less of a bridesmaid issue.

Post # 11
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@zomgwut:  Completely disagree. I don’t think a wedding should be as important to anyone else besides the bride and groom. I get that. I also don’t think a bride should have a say in how their bridal party budgets their money. But it is her job as a bridesmaid to get the dress, show up, and general be supportive of the bride, and this girl has failed to do all of those things. If the Bridesmaid or Best Man can’t fufill her role then she should have been upfront from the begining or step down.

@shannonh32:  Agree, great advice.

Post # 12
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Annonybee123:  I think you really need to talk to her. You are obviously extremely upset about this. But I have a quick question for you: Would you rather deal with her acting like your wedding doesn’t matter to her at all / back out of all your wedding related events, but still have her be there on your wedding day as a BM? Or would you rather not deal with her continuing to hurt your feelings and just not have her in the wedding at all? Because to me these sound like your only two options at this point. Either suck it up or get rid of her. Or talk to her and see if you can some how come to an agreement on things.

Post # 13
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, do talk to her.  But don’t ‘give her an out’.  I’ve been given an out.  It hurt.  A lot.

Post # 14
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@futuremrsfitz18:  I understand being hurt by giving an “out” but if she isn’t going to be there for any of the wedding related things then what is she supposed to do? She is obviously giving her friend more than enough notice to plan for things and it seems like she keeps coming up with an excuse. The bachlorette party won’t cost her anything if she doesn’t want it to so money should not be a factor. I’d rather find out the truth by giving her an “out” then having a Bridesmaid or Best Man standing up in my wedding that doesn’t even want to be there.

Post # 15
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee

I disagree with the peopel saying her finances are non of your beeswax. If I GIVE money to someone to do something because they can’t afford it, I would feel incredibly used to see them drop a bunch of money on clubbing and an outfit. She didn’t have to say yes to being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

 

I say just let her do whatever the heck she’s doing and ignore it. Have a good time with your good friends. She can do whatever. Your wedding is enough stress, you don’t need someone like her taking up any of your time.

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