Post # 1
One of my BM’s who is supposed to be one of my best friends has been giving me some problems throughout my wedding planning. She has not been supportive at all, and I have not received any help from her or even an offer to help. I never complain, I just let it go.
Two weeks ago I finalized bachelorette party plans with my Maid/Matron of Honor and mentioned to my BM what the plan was and what weekend it is. She seemed excited (the first thing for my wedding she actually seems excited about) and said she wouldn’t miss it. My Maid/Matron of Honor sent out the information the next day but never received a reply from my Bridesmaid or Best Man. Last night Bridesmaid or Best Man calls me to tell me that that weekend doesn’t work for her because it is a family member’s “birthday weekend” plus it is her no-pay week and she can’t afford it. Fiance and I have been engaged for TWO years. In two years she couldn’t save up at least a little bit of money for this? I tried to remain calm but I admit I did get a little upset and said something to the effect of “whatever, it’s fine. I’ll get over it.” My Bridesmaid or Best Man then got really nasty with me and said “Well what do you expect from me? I am not going to put a friend above my family.”
Now I am normally a VERY outspoken individual but this shocked me so much that I literally didn’t know what to say. My feelings are really hurt. I understand that this family member is important to her, but my bachelorette party is a whole weekend. (We are going away to have a girls weekend). She can’t celebrate her family member’s birthday Friday and then join us Saturday? Or come with us Friday and leave early? I just don’t get it. And it’s not a far drive, and the house we are staying at is being loaned to us FOR FREE.
I also had to cover her cost of the bridesmaids dress (which was under $100) because she couldn’t afford it. After I loaned her the money, she went out clubbing the following weekend to an expensive place and had a brand new outfit.
Am I in the wrong for being upset?
Post # 4
She should have told you about the family party from the get-go. It is completely understandable that she is choosing a family party.
About the finances, part of me thinks that you should just stay out of it. Everyone has their own financial situation and it is none of our places to judge others. Maybe she said yes 2 years ago, but is feeling a pinch. Presumably the family party is less expensive than the bachelorette as well, hence her decision.
I’m confused about the bridesmaid dress part. You loaned her the money for the dress and she spent it on something else? Because that’s not cool. But how do you know THAT was the money she spent partying? Does that mean she doesn’t yet have her dress? Did you ask her personally (and the rest of the bridesmaids) for a budget for the dress? $100 is cheap compared to other bridesmaid dresses that cost $150-$200, but it is still expensive for some people.
Post # 5
I bought her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress for her because she said she had no money. She didn’t pay me back but had money to go out to the club and buy a new outfit for the night.
I asked the girls their budget and they all agreed that $150 was the max they could do.
Post # 6
I don’t think you are wrong for being upset at all. I think you need to sit down and have an honest heart to heart with her. It seems like something is up with her. Just let her know how much it means to you for her to be a part of your wedding day / bachelorette party / any other wedding event. Tell her that your feelings are hurt because it seems as if she doesn’t want to be involved. Ask her if there is a reason why she is acting this way and just let her know that if for some reason she doesn’t want to be a part of your wedding then all she has to do it say so.
Bridesmaid or Best Man issues are always hard but you have to learn to get past them. I have 6 bridesmaids and each one of them are different. One of them wants to be involved in everyhing, while one of the other ones acts like its a chore to even talk about my wedding. You just have to roll with the punches. Give her the option to opt out if she’s really not that into it. If she decides she doesn’t want to be in your wedding then so be it. It may hurt but if she doesn’t want to be a part of it then she doesn’t deserve to! Don’t let her take away your wedding moments. You (should) only have these moments once in your life.
Post # 7
You have a right to be upset, but I wuold just let it go. It’s been said on this board repeatedly that 1.) no one cares about your wedding as much as you (and your FI) do, 2.) you can’t force your bridesmaids to do anything except show up on the day of the wedding wearing the dress you’ve selected and 3.) you cannot dictate how your bridesmaids spend their money or their time. It sucks and I would hope friends would be more involved and happy to be, but sometimes you just have to roll with the punches as Shannonh32 said.
Post # 8
Well getting mad at her is pretty pointless. She’s made it clear that your wedding is not a priority for her. Which shouldn’t be a big deal–don’t ever expect for someone to make your wedding a priority in their life. It’s a bit much that you expect her to be saving up for this over 2 years. I should not be having to save up to participate in my friend’s wedding.
Instead of being mad that she is not as enthused as you were hoping, be sad that you will be missing your friend and say as much to her. Say that you were really looking forward to seeing her and are sad that she is unable to but you understand her reasons why she cannot attend. Perhaps try seeing if you can help her out financially to come. It sounds like she lives paycheck to paycheck and probably just can’t afford it.
Post # 9
I did not expect her to save up for two years…that is silly. When I asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man two years ago she said how happy she was that our wedding was so far out and that she had so much time to save. I just thought that she would save up since that is what she said she was going to do.
The bachelorette party will not cost her much. We are bringing our own food for the weekend and only going out for drinks one night. The place we are staying at is FREE. She wouldn’t even have to drive because we offered to have her ride with us.
I find it hard to believe that someone can live paycheck to paycheck and still have the money to go out to the clubs and buy a new outfit for her club outtings. When I was struggling I literally ate canned soup and didn’t go out for months. But, I also had my priorities straight and did what I had to do to get by. I saved up money to make sure I did her birthday up right. And I did it because I care about my friends.
But you’re right, I shouldn’t expect anyone to care. Especially about my wedding.
Post # 10
I would be upset with her too, but her financial priorities are none of your business. I would feel hurt and let down if one of my dearest friends was uninterested in my wedding, but I wouldn’t have the right to dictate how my friend spends her own money. It was nice of you to cover the cost of her dress, and by no means is that required of you. The fact that she didn’t seem to appreciate your assistance, and instead of paying you back she went out clubbing, well that says something about her as a friend (not necessarily as a BM). I think you need to talk to her. All she really needs to do is show up at your wedding in her Bridesmaid or Best Man dress. Tell her while you’d like her to be more involved, you understand that your wedding is not the center of her universe. I’m sorry you don’t feel like she is responsible or supportive, but that seems to me that it’s more of a friendship issue and less of a bridesmaid issue.
Post # 11
@zomgwut: Completely disagree. I don’t think a wedding should be as important to anyone else besides the bride and groom. I get that. I also don’t think a bride should have a say in how their bridal party budgets their money. But it is her job as a bridesmaid to get the dress, show up, and general be supportive of the bride, and this girl has failed to do all of those things. If the Bridesmaid or Best Man can’t fufill her role then she should have been upfront from the begining or step down.
@shannonh32: Agree, great advice.
Post # 12
@Annonybee123: I think you really need to talk to her. You are obviously extremely upset about this. But I have a quick question for you: Would you rather deal with her acting like your wedding doesn’t matter to her at all / back out of all your wedding related events, but still have her be there on your wedding day as a BM? Or would you rather not deal with her continuing to hurt your feelings and just not have her in the wedding at all? Because to me these sound like your only two options at this point. Either suck it up or get rid of her. Or talk to her and see if you can some how come to an agreement on things.
Post # 13
Yes, do talk to her. But don’t ‘give her an out’. I’ve been given an out. It hurt. A lot.
Post # 14
@futuremrsfitz18: I understand being hurt by giving an “out” but if she isn’t going to be there for any of the wedding related things then what is she supposed to do? She is obviously giving her friend more than enough notice to plan for things and it seems like she keeps coming up with an excuse. The bachlorette party won’t cost her anything if she doesn’t want it to so money should not be a factor. I’d rather find out the truth by giving her an “out” then having a Bridesmaid or Best Man standing up in my wedding that doesn’t even want to be there.
Post # 15
I disagree with the peopel saying her finances are non of your beeswax. If I GIVE money to someone to do something because they can’t afford it, I would feel incredibly used to see them drop a bunch of money on clubbing and an outfit. She didn’t have to say yes to being a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I say just let her do whatever the heck she’s doing and ignore it. Have a good time with your good friends. She can do whatever. Your wedding is enough stress, you don’t need someone like her taking up any of your time.