(Closed) Need bridesmaid advice. Roles, responsibilities, expectations.

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee

They don’t need to be involved in any decision making regarding the wedding, besides things that directly pertain to them (dress, shoes, hair). The rest is up to you and your partner.

Post # 4
Member
30392 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
mrsbrizz2017:  As the pp said, they really only need to be involved in decisions about their own dress, shoes etc. If they offer to help, you cna accept or not, depending on how complicated you think their help could get. Sometimes it’s just easier to do things yourself, than to deal with various opinions and working styles.

If they send you unsolicited suggestions, thank them, then make your own choices. Never get in a position where you are defending your choices. It is your wedding. “Thanks for the idea. I will keep it in mind when it is time to decide ___.”

If you ask their opinion about things, try to keep it to a minimum, so they are not weddinged out. Keep in touch with them about their lives, just as you did before you were engaged.

Have you checked in with each of them individually and privately about their budget? Once you know that, it will be easier to choose a dress. You may want to choose a designer, color, length, and fabric and allow them to choose  their own style.

If you have already passed this step, and they send other pics or declare the dresses ugly “Sorry you feel this way. I chose this designer because it works for the rest of the BM’s and for my color palette. I am sure you will find a dress that will work for you. I am happy to go shopping with you, if you would like that.”

Be flexible where you can be. If they are wearing a long dress, it really doesn’t matter for your  pics, what shoes they wear. Ditto with jewelry. Unless you are prepared to pay, they can do their hair and makeup as they choose.

Choose a thoughtful gift for each Bridesmaid or Best Man, purchase as if it were their birthday. Anything that you expect them to wear on the day of your wedding, is not a gift. It is a prop. This includes, robes,hangers, personalized wine glassses, jewelry, etc.

It is their choice if they want to host a shower or not. Your involvement should be minimal- providing a guestlist and answering questions/ giving opinions only if  asked.

 

Post # 5
Member
3589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

They definitely don’t get to decide anything about the wedding except their own outfits/beauty stuff. Obviously you can ask for their input if you would like another opinion, but if their tastes are different to yours you certainly don’t have to change your vision for them!! As for their dresses… well you do want them to be comfortable and happy in what they wear, and it sounds like you are trying to do that. But, if it’s impossible to get them to come to any kind of reasonable decision you’ll have to put your foot down in the end. Choose, say, 5 dresses and tell them they need to pick one of those.

Post # 6
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

If you want them all to wear the same dress, and you have a specific vision, you’ll have to put your foot down. See if you can get a consensus from the 3 who are amenable, and send that dress information to the other 2, saying something along the lines of, there were too many differing opinions and so I’ve decided to choose the dresses. And remember that you wore a dress that was chosen for you before at a wedding, as have I, as have so many millions of other women. 

Post # 7
Member
857 posts
Busy bee

Picking a designer was a good idea.  Have you picked colors yet?  Have you sent them pictures of your inspiration?  It sounds like you’re giving them a lot of freedom to pick anything, and then you don’t like what they pick, and then you’re not sure where to go from there.  You sound like a very nice friend!  It is not mean if you tell them more direction, but I can see how you might feel uncomfortable doing that being the kind, easy going person you seem to be!  Bridesmaids expect you to tell them which dress to get, so they won’t be too surprised if you give them a little bit more direction than just one website.  

As for other things in your wedding, is your partner interested in helping you make decisions about the wedding?

Post # 8
Member
13628 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You get the dress but it is appropriate to consult on style and budget. I think asking them to pick any dress by a certain designer is flexible and fair. I know you say this is important to you, but they do not all have to match.

Your experience notwithstanding, you are not entitled to pick out specific shoes. You can at most suggest a common color and style that women are likely to have in their closet or can use again. Likewise, you can offer to pay, but you don’t get to dictate hair or makeup, even if you do.

Post # 9
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

If they send you ideas that you don’t like or aren’t in line with your visions of yoru day I think it’s important that you put your foot down and tell them so they don’t get the wrong ideas as to thinking they are helpful.  You put your foot down about certain styles/colors/themes and you tell your bridesmaids that their ideas have to work within these bounds or it doesnt work.  This applies to their dresses or whatever you want for them to be included in the wedding planning.

As a bridesmaid I was the lucky ones to have my bride buy the dress and all I had to do was show up and attend (save some pre-wedding responsibilities). Not all the bridesmaids have to be involved in the process. Just pick and choose who you want to help with what.

Post # 11
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
mrsbrizz2017:  We got our makeup professionally done, but since we are quite good with makeup and hair we just curled our hair and put it in a simple style. My sister was really concerned about the bodice of the bridesmaids dresses, but in the end most of the top portion of the bridesmaids’ dresses was covered by the bouquet anyways lol. Unless you those lift up your dress to show the shoes, generally no one sees them either.

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