Need cold harsh truth! Is SO right to wait?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

waitingbeeann :  Is he right to still want to wait given our issues?  Should I just try to shut up until December and try to see what happens?

You have to decide if you want to stay in the country for yourself and if you would be happy waiting until the end of the year.  If not then move back, but yes he does seem wise to delay an engagement.

Your relationship does not seem stable enough to start a marriage, you know this and you’re still hassling him and blowing up every few weeks.  Do you want to force him into a marriage he’s not ready for? That’s unlikely to end well.  I would imagine he also needs time to ensure your immigration issue has no bearing on whether he proposes or not. 

 

Post # 3
Member
9373 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Go home. I doubt he will ever propose and this relationship doesn’t sound all that great anyway. You shouldn’t be constantly fighting and he shouldn’t be putting conditions on a proposal. Either he loves you and wants to marry you or he doesn’t. 

Post # 4
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee

Let it goooooo. You do not need to beg this man to marry you. You have opportunities available to you and you should take them. If he decides he wants to get married, let him come get you! 

Also, if you’re fighting and having that much drama, there are compatibility issues that don’t bode well for the long haul. 

Post # 5
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee

Hes right to want to wait, because your relationship doesnt sound stable with all the fighting. But you are also right to consider moving back for a great job especially considering you need to be getting married to stay in that country next year. Honestly in your position, I would probably take the job back home and move (and I say this as someone who gave up her career for her relationship- now married living abroad). From what you have said your relationship sounds rocky and neither of you sound that happy. If you are set on staying and trying to make it work, you need to go a long way in preventing these fights and it could take lots of couples counselling but unfortunately your visa running out is bound to put alot of extra pressure on. Its truly up to you to decide if the relationship is worth it but from what you have written it sounds like marriage is not on the cards any time soon, im sorry bee.

Post # 6
Member
3491 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Personally, if I were him I would have had the decency to cut you loose long ago. I’m not in the habit of wasting my time or anyone elses. Rough patches here and there are understandable but nagging, insecurity issues, constant fighting and all the rest are a no for me. He’s not wrong to want a relatively peaceful and happy relationship but I highly doubt it will ever happen with you. Completely up to you whether or not you decide to stay but actions speak volumes and his are saying you are not the one he intends to marry.

Post # 8
Member
3989 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m not sure I agree with his wording, but I also don’t agree that if your relationship is volatile it’s a time to talk about getting married. If not for the visa issue would you think it’s the right time to get married?

I understand that the situation you’re in makes things different, but TBH it sounds like you don’t have a happy relationship, and getting married so you can stay in the country is the wrong reason to get married. I agree with him that it’s manipulative. Do whatever is going to make you happy in terms of your career, and if he’s the one it will work itself out somehow….don’t make a deicsion based on a potential marriage proposal from someone who isn’t ready.

Post # 10
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t want to get engaged/married under these circumstances, either. Y’all seem to be constantly fighting – and you admit to nagging, being jealous and paranoid, and pressuring him. 

Here’s the thing – until you have ANY kind of commitment from him, you need to live your life for you. If what you want is to go home for this uni position, then do that. If you truly want to stay and try to work on the relationship, do that. But then don’t hang the forfeited job over his head as some sort of pressuring tactic. You are responsible for your own life and your own actions – not him. 

It sounds like he loves you but can see that you still have a lot of work to do on yourself and is hoping you do that work for the sake of the relationship. I’m sure he has his own issues, too – he’s also contributing to these arguments!

And I don’t judge him for wanting your relationship to show that it can be natural and peaceful before commiting to LIFE with you. One of the main reasons I’m so ready to marry my SO after only 1.5 years is that our relationship has always been peaceful. I could never marry someone I was constantly fighting with – I need peace in my life. 

Post # 12
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It sounds like you have a lot of things to work out with your relationship (and yourself) before marriage should even be on the table. Is the job at home what you want? It sounds like you should pursue it. IF this relationship is meant to last, you’ll make it work. 

Post # 13
Member
2557 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Go home. He isn’t going to propose. 

Post # 15
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee

waitingbeeann :  There is too much power differential here, and I think you’re probably coming across as needy and desperate. He seems to firmly know his own mind and be calling all the shots, while you seem to be ready and willing to live and die by HIS plans.

Probably the very best thing you could do for the relationship at this point (not to mention for yourself) is redirect your energy toward your SELF, figure out what YOU want to do, and DO it. 

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