- 1 year ago
I’m just going to post the entire story, warts and all, for everyone here. I broke up with this guy on Saturday, and I guess what I’m wanting is just confirmation that I did the right thing by ending it. I had quite strong feelings for him, so it hurt me to do, but the whole situation was incredibly confusing to me.
I got involved with a guy I met online. We dated a little over 2 months. I knew that he had two small children (5 and 7, girl and boy). He also told me that his divorce was not yet finalised. So I knew from the get-go that we would need to proceed slowly. In hindsight, I know that it was maybe not the best decision to get involved with a guy who was separated but not divorced, but I wanted to give him a chance, and as I said, I was in no rush. We discovered as we got to know each other that we had some mutual friends and knew some of the same people and had been at the same university at the same time. Anyway, as I found out on our second dated, his situation was a little more complicated than I had originally thought. Not only was he not divorced, he and his wife were still living in the same house. They had just moved into separate bedrooms. This was mainly for financial reasons as he was still paying the mortgage on the house and couldn’t afford to move out until the divorce came through and the finances were split. I must have known right then and there that I should not proceed, but I had my optimism goggles on and I decided to go ahead, thinking all the while that I should not get attached or invested and we should go very slowly.
We continued to date, had a great time. We got along really well and just had lots of fun together – time at the beach, me going to watch him while he played sports, dinner, movies, nights with friends. I met pretty much all his friends and they all liked me and thought I was a good thing for him. We also had three weekends away – beach cottage and camping. I met his children, which I thought it was too early for, but he wanted me to see what I was getting myself into before I decided to progress with him. He also wanted to see whether his children and I got along, which he said was super important to him. There was no problem with the children – they were very dear, adorable children. I loved them, and they loved me. Honestly they seemed quite affection-starved because they were always coming to me for hugs and cuddles, and I think the whole situation with their parents being in the same house and not getting along was very difficult for them.
I have to say at this point that the guy I was seeing didn’t attempt to hide the fact that he was dating me from anyone, including his wife. She was apparently very devastated and hurt when she found out, which was understandable. As the weeks went on, there were a lot of emotions and drama. I heard about several different occasions where the wife flipped out and made things very difficult for him and the kids. Likewise, as I got to know him, I could see that he was struggling with depression and just battling emotionally. I started to feel that I had got myself involved in a big mess that I never wanted to be a part of. I started to feel like I didn’t want to abandon him and the kids, and I wanted to help and support them, but I didn’t know if I could handle the anxiety and the second-hand drama that it was bringing into my life.
I must say that he seemed to fall for me really hard and fast in the beginning and seemed to escalate the relationship emotionally much quicker than I would have. He would often tell me how glad he was that I was with him and how excited he was to see where our relationship was going to go and that he could see a future with me. On our last camping weekend, I met his parents as well, who were very nice and liked me. They were supportive of our relationship and weren’t a big fan of his wife.
Anyway, as I said, I really liked him, but the second-hand drama that he was dealing with, still living with his wife, communicating with her through attorneys, him trying to navigate issues like finance and custody, was something I already found stressful. Added to this was the fact that he was apparently trying to cope with things by going out with his guy friends a lot, coming home late, etc. The last two or three weeks of our relationship he became distant and blew off plans that we had on two occasions with excuses that didn’t sound very solid. The final straw was on Saturday night it was my friend’s birthday party and he had contacted me to say he would be there and he dropped me at the last minute. I won’t bother giving the details of his excuse, but though I had no way of knowing whether it was true or not, my gut told me that it was not and that he was simply pulling away. (If it helps for context, we are both 36 years old.)
As I write this, I already know that ending things was the right decision, but it all affected me quite strongly. I had never been in a situation or relationship like that before, and I felt like it was an emotional rollercoaster. Like I said, in hindsight, I should probably never have got involved with him in the first place, but I loved the time that I had with him and his kids. Honestly I just feel like it was so unfortunate that he put me and his kids through that and made it seem like he was ready when he wasn’t. I maybe should have known better, but I really don’t think the way he behaved was right. It has actually all really affected me pretty deeply. It was just such a mess, and he should never have involved a third party, but I suppose people don’t always behave rationally.