- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
clearbee : You did the right thing breaking it off. You know that, but there are a few things I’d say, just for future reference.
I’m going to make a few declarative statements – which I try not to do a whole lot, but I feel is warranted in this case – a man who would
- Start openly dating while still cohabiting with his wife
- Speak disrespectfully about her to a new potential partner
- Introduce his children to said potential partner
is not an emotionally mature or available person, irrespective of how they present themselves.
The opposite of love is indifference. Someone who still has that much energy around being angry or resentful toward an ex isn’t over it. That doesn’t mean they want to BE with that person, just that they haven’t finished processing the emotional aftermath of the relationship.
You aren’t a rebound – you’re a crowbar. He’s trying to, as they say, get over someone by getting under someone. Lots of people try to move on to new relationships WAY sooner than they should. People get lonely, bored, sad and vastly overestimate their emotional health. Happens all the time. And it happened in this case.
It isn’t your fault you wanted to take him at face value. He presented himseld as though he was prepared to start dating, but for the future you’ll know that someone who is still living with their ex – for whatever reason – hasn’t spent sufficient time alone to really heal and prepare for a new relationship. It’s entirely possible – LIKELY even – this wasn’t intentional. He probably believed he was ready. He probably came along with good intentions, or at least without conscious intent to harm you. But the fact he didn’t know better is just more evidence he lacks the self-awareness and emotional maturity to be a good partner right now.
I’m sorry you ended up as collateral damage in the implosion of a relationship you weren’t even in. Personally, I think it’s really irresponsible and reckless to draw outsiders into that kind of mess, and think it just underscores his lack of good judgement.
It’s really easy to fall into the habit of trying to see past circumstances to the person within. It’s a noble intention, but remember; those circumstances were created by the person in them. Anyone can have a run of bad luck, but don’t forget choices were involved. Do you respect those choices? If not, they probably aren’t a good prospect.
You did the hard right thing. His behavior signaled in all sorts of ways that he wasn’t ready. It’s always extra awful when you’ve gotten attached to someone, but just imagine how much worse it would feel if it had gone on 6 months, and then fallen apart.
Ending this was an act of self love. All there is to do now, is learn from it and move forward.