need desperate advice, wedding next month

posted 8 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Canada

Did you have a discussion about budget and where the money was going to come from?

In regards to booking vendors, etc…if you asked him to do something and he didn’t do it, that’s not cool.  Buttttt, I think it’s pretty typical that the bride shoulders most of the planning responsibility and therefore all the stress. 

You’re a month out; don’t cancel unless you are thinking you don’t actually want to marry this man.

Post # 3
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Obviously I don’t know either of you but from what you’ve said it sounds like your fiancé has a lot of work to do to grow emotionally and become a more fulfilled, more independent person. If he doesn’t have a steady job, can’t handle speaking to his family, and doesn’t have many friends of his own it sounds like he may be codependent on you. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it seems to be getting in the way of living a life with friends and the ability to function and complete tasks on his own. I’m sure he loves you and I don’t think it’s a reason to cancel the wedding (unless there are other red flags) but it sounds like you’re in for a long road of coaching him and helping him through life. I’d recommend going to couples therapy even if you aren’t fighting or having issues in your relationship yet. His behavior is indicative of someone who might become depressed and unhappy later in life. 

Post # 4
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

loveanddilemnas :  

While it’s true that brides normally bear the brunt of wedding planning, that doesn’t mean the groom gets away scot free without contributing SOMETHING.  Are you able to afford your wedding?  Were you able to book all the necessary vendors?  Do you have any help besides your groom?  It just sounds like you are completely alone with no help whatsoever.  Of course you’d be overwhelmed….and that speaks to the type of support your Fiance provides, which I’m guessing isn’t much.  It sounds like poor communication is the culprit here.

If you think he’s been dropping the ball then tell him and let him know what you expect from him in this marriage.  You are supposed to be partners and if you can’t talk to him about your concerns then what’s the point of marrying him?  He’s either unaware of the pressure you’re under or he doesn’t care….both of which you have a duty to do something about.

Honestly, I’d postpone and push the date back if possible.  That way you can still have your wedding without losing your deposits.  If you’re under this much pressure you need to take breath and possibly regroup mentally, emotionally and financially.

Post # 5
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

Wow, that sounds like a lot on your plate! Do you feel like equals in the relationship, or do you feel you have to carry his weight as well? Personally I would not cope well in that kind of relationship, it sounds exhausting and heavy. Are you having doubts about marrying him?

If you are I think you need to listen to your gut. I would book into therapy ASAP to sort out your thoughts and what you really want. I don’t think it’s a good idea to ever marry someone if you have any doubts.

Post # 6
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee

Hmm, based off information provided, seems like this is creating an almost burden for you. Big enough to make you second guess your wedding date. I would suggest to speak with your soon to be husband. Afterall, marriage not only thrives off of, but NEEDS communication! TAlk to him first. Tell him your thoughts in a loving way. Let him know you understand his situation, and propose your thoughts/options you have in mind. It may be weighing on him as well since he seems to possibly be stressed about his finances as well. Be a team, and make it work together. Whether you keep the date and have aplan to figure the aftrmath out, or postpone fr a nother month or two, or a year. Just plan it together from this point out. Tell him you wont make moves until he helps make them with you 🙂

Post # 7
Member
244 posts
Helper bee

On top of what PPs have said: is the reason he doesn’t communicate with his family much BECAUSE they’re difficult? Why are you taking the brunt of the communication with them? I’d shut that down right away. Other than that, I think we need a bit more detail on your situation. Are you having doubts on getting married? Or is this strictly about money for the wedding? What kinds of tasks have you asked him to do that he hasn’t and how often has that happened? What’s your relationship like beyond wedding planning?

Post # 8
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I mean my advice is almost always go with you gut, in this case I think you guts is raising some pretty red flags for you. If i were you I’d have a really hard conversation with yourself about whether or not you want to tie yourself to this dude for the rest of your life, because thats what we’re talking about here. Hope that helps, dont ignore the voice inside! X

Post # 9
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2019

First and foremost, do you see this man as your husband, your lifelong partner with whom you want to build a thriving strong family with? 

If yes, then take a deep breath, clear your head, brew a big pot of tea and sit him down for a wedding planning master class. Assess (realistically) where you are right now with the whole planning debacle, what still needs to be done, and come up with a plan together of how you are going to get there and how you are going to pay for it. 

Think of it as an exercise in problem solving with your partner. It is a great muscle to build, as life is a very unpredictable thing.  

Post # 10
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

loveanddilemnas :  Question: Does he have concrete plans of improving his financial situation? Plans that you can see in motion (ie: enrolling in a trade program or university, looking for full time jobs that lead to decent career)? If not, I personally wouldnt marry him. Me and my fiance have little money right now as we are working on advanced degrees but both if us will be done with school a year after the wedding and have the opportunity to get well supporting jobs. It’s never a good idea to marry a person with no aspirations. He may be as good and sweet as can be… it’s easy when you’re living on someone else’s pay. 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I would just take some time to think about what kind of support you would want from a husband in general. Does he meet those expectations? 

For example finances is something that is super important to me. A bee on here posted a while ago about how her husband won’t get regular work and it is a battle to get him to take any jobs seriously. There was also another bee who posted on here about her husband prioritizing sleep over helping her out with the kids, and at the expense of being late to his job. 

So really take a look at your fiance. Does he fulfill your needs for a husband now? When you get married, and if you have a family, would you be expecting him to help support that family financially? Why hasn’t he gotten a full time job now? Is he interested in having a career at some point? To me having a husband who is financially stable means so much beacuase i need to know I can depend on him. I need to know that if I got sick and couldn’t contribute financially he could step up and handle that. I want to be a stay at home mom some day and my current boyfriend also wants that. But you bet your ass i watched to see how seriously he takes his job and career. If he had been saying he wanted his wife to also be a stay at home mom, but he had a history of no full time employement or any red flags like that, i would see he didn’t really mean that. I wouldn’t be willing to risk what i wanted with a man who clearly doesn’t life his life currently in a way I would want my husband to be in the future. 

So really think about what you want for your life. What you think being a husband means. Think if you see his actions lining up with what it would take to be what you need from a husband. 

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