(Closed) Need etiquette help…

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Don’t be spiteful.  Chances are you aren’t going to “teach them a lesson” with a chia pet.  Just decline the invitation.  

Post # 3
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

Ulibaddog:  Send your regrets with a congratulatory card. I think what makes it worse is that they lied about the entire thing.

Post # 4
9115 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Don’t be petty. Decline if you’re that pissed off about the situation. Edit: as someone who had “two weddings”, you may not know the whole situation and are getting upset for no reason. 

Post # 5
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would just decline invite.   60 people at a JOP wedding?   Whatever. 

Post # 6
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I don’t really care about the jop part, but a 60-person wedding is going a little overboard. If you’re pissed off about it, just decline the invitation. But there are other things in life to be pissed off about; I’d save my energy.

Post # 7
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I would say that having a 60 person wedding that you weren’t invited to and now they are having a second wedding with a registry is a little offputting….but, it its your cousin, do you love your cousin? Do you want them to be happy? do you want to celebrate with them? If thats true then just go and get them a gift within a budget that you see fit because you care. You aren’t obligated to do anything or buy anything, but dont make your choice out of spite.

Post # 8
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ulibaddog:  you aren’t the etiquette police, there’s no need to feel superior and “punish” them. If you are able and want to go then go and treat their vow renewal respectfully or decline. 

Post # 9
758 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse

Ulibaddog:  It’s a bit ‘gift grabby’ to have a vow renewal for a wedding that happened earlier in the year.  I’m also a bit mortified that they would think it’s appropriate to have a bridal shower.  They’re husband and wife.  They chose an earlier 60 person wedding and the big ‘wedding’ ship has sailed…they’re married.

I do side eye big dress, wedding party etc but the couple is being honest and allowing you to at least make an informed decision.

I commend them on being honest about it, but I wouldn’t be going.  Simply send them a card of congratulations.  You are not obligated to give them a gift because you were invited, and especially not since they are already married.

Post # 10
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m scratching my head and wrinkling my nose at this. My opinion and how I would feel…I’d be thinking “oh, I wasn’t special enough to witness the real ceremony, but now I am?” I would decline the invite. And duh…a bridal shower? Get out of here. 

Post # 11
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would decline all the invitations and send a really nice congratulatory card. Problem solved. I wouldn’t give a present, they had a (60 person!) wedding and now they’re trying to pad their coffers obviously.

Post # 12
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Ulibaddog:  It’a rude. They had their wedding (and it was bigger than the one I’m planning!). They get one day. It’s so rude to ask for gifts for an anniversary. 

Don’t send a crappy gift. They’ll remember it more than if you decline and send nothing. 

Post # 13
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

Geez I am not sure. This situation is a bit different. 60 guests is not a private ceremony, its a small ceremony even if JOP performed it.

I had two weddings. There is nothing wrong with it, if guests know upfront. First one was our private ceremony with our parents only. We were legally married by my mom. I even posted it on our wedding website that we had a private ceremony with pictures from the ceremony. Second was a ceremony and reception for family and friends. We rented venue space, I had white (well ivory) wedding gown, bridesmaids, groomsmen, the whole thing. But the difference is everyone (friends and family) already knew we were legally married prior to the family celebration. I also had a registry…but its because everyone asked and I got tired of saying that I wasn’t registered! We didn’t have a bachelorette/bachelor party. Nor was I going to have a bridal shower. However, six of my co-workers made me have dinner at a restaurant with them and gave me gifts for a small and quick bridal shower.

I personally think is goes against etiquette having a gift registry because it looks like you are doing second ceremony for gifts. I was totally against setting one up but did because numerous people asked and told me I neded to do it. Basically people were going to give a gift or gift card regardless if I had one setup or not. But that’s just the type of family and friends I have. I am sure you would have been more willing to give a gift if they didn’t have a registry but feel its a smack in the face. Maybe someone suggested to them to set one up?? 

Post # 14
133 posts
Blushing bee

From the OP’s post, the fact that the cousin and girlfriend were already married was “slipped”.  No honesty was there.

I’d just send back the declined rsvp.

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