(Closed) Need friend advice…long

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How to respond to invite?
    No, thank you. : (11 votes)
    46 %
    Sure, I will go out of my way to do something I don't want to do because you'll make me feel guilty. : (0 votes)
    Me: I have a prior committment, but have fun! Them: What? Where? With who? Why? You bitch! : (10 votes)
    42 %
    Can't make it. My car ran outta gas. There was an earthquake. Locusts, there were locusts! : (3 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    It’s normal to ‘outgrow’ your childhood friends, especially if you’ve gone on to school and a career and thy haven’t.  I think she’s texting you because she can’t deal with the fact that’s it’s perfectly okay to let a friendship grow if there is nothing left to hold it together.  She and your other friends seem to not understand that your priorities in life are not the same as theirs (I had many people, my SO included, who had a hard time understanding how I could be so beat after a 40-60 hour week at work while they were still on a college-class only schedule).  This is okay.  You do not need to beat yourself up over it. 

    As for the birthday:  if you feel uncomfortable going, I do not blame you for frinding a way to be ‘busy’.  You might send a card, gift card or a simple gift or flowers if you feel bad about not recognizing the birthday at all, and then let it be.  It’s not unusual to find you want to spend more time with your SP than your friends, and frankly, something is wrong in the relationship if it’s the other way around, barring special occassions.  It’s up to YOU who you spend time with, and they re not encouraging you to spend time with them with their lack of understanding about your life schedule. 

    I’ve moved a lot in my life, and do not ahve any life-long friends since we’d leave town as soon as I’d make any (yay – military brats), but since high school and college I’ve been in the same area.  I had a best friend for what to me was ages – a whole 3-4 years.  Then she got into college, started partying, and I got a boyfriend, and started spending time with him, and we relaized after a while that we didn’t agree with each other’s priorities (crazy parties when she used to be anti-drug/anti-alcohol, and she resented me having someone else to spend time with – I was supposed to be there for her when she needed me, and to just wait around when she didn’t).  Many years have passed since then, and on one occassion we went to see a movie together, just to try to hang out again.  It was so awkward – our lives had diverged so much it was difficult to find anything current to talk about.  She’s on Facebook now, (who isn’t?) and we can share a few simple messages now and then, but it’s not an “invite you over” kind of freindship any more, and probably won’t be.  This is sad, but it’s normal and okay.  People grow, and from high school through your 30s, you are becoming the person you are going to be – there are a lot of changes that take place over that time period.  Reltaionships become more solid, and hopefully evovle into families.  Your relationship with your parents changes (for better or worse) as you become an adult.  Your friends find that without high school interests to hold you together, sometimes there’s nothing else there. 

    Don’t feel bad about growing in a normal fashion.  I’m sorry your friend is being clingy.  You decide how to spend your time, who to spend it with (and who to have in your wedding).  If she’s so immature to block your SO from Facebook when the worst he’s done is make you happy, then she’s not really being your friend, she’s just holding onto the person that was you yeasrs ago but that you’re not, now.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    Note:  Also, she may have invited everyone on her friend’s list to the party, so don’t be too worried about you personally turning down the invitation – it may not have been personally offered.

    I advocate saying, “No thank you,” as per your poll, but I fully understand wanting a ‘reason’, so I voted for “my car’s outta gas”.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @vlbee: I dont understand why you are holding on to a friendship that constantly underminds not only you, your time, and your sense of self, but also pretty much ignores your relationship with your SO and denies his existance. I think you should just cut your losses and get closer to people who are in the same place as you are- your friend isnt interested in your present, she wants to make you return and be who you were in the past- its up to you whether or not you want to keep doing this back and forth, or just cut the past away and make room for better friendships in the future.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4755 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I was kinda in your boat. Sorta these were not childhood friends. But like you were just not meshing well.

    Basically I keep things civil but do not get into close personal conversations anymore. I make up excuses all the time not to hang out on a personal level anymore. Homework is my number 1 answer. Usually though it’s “I’m broke” is the real reason but if I said that and I buy a new shirt, they ask where I got the money so I just started straight up lying.

    Anyways that might not help you but I suggest just say no, you have another obligation on that day.

    It’s okay to let friends go you know. Friendship, like love does NOT last forever.

    Post # 8
    Member
    433 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I don’t believe true friends would ever make you feel bad or treat you in the way these people are treating you. I lost my best friend for a very similar reason. It’s not worth the pain you are feeling to keep these people in your life. I believe in doing what makes you happy, not at the expense of others of course. I would just tell them you have other plans for the weekend. It doesn’t matter who’s invite you got first. If you want to go to your SO’s friends celebration, then go. I wouldn’t go to a party I wasn’t happy to be attending, and the whole time wishing I was somewhere else. Be friends with the people who respect you, and love you for who you are. If your old friends can’t respect your new life and the changes that have happened throughout the years, maybe just be cordial acquaintances. You don’t have to go out of your way just to make them happy when all they do is make you feel bad.

    Good-luck with this, I’m sorry you are in this situation. i know it’s no fun, it hurts, and it’s not fair. Just hold on tight to what means most to you. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @vmec: I totally agree with you- sometimes its just better to let it go

    Post # 10
    Member
    921 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Can’t you just say you got the other invitation first and already accepted but have a nice night?

    Post # 12
    Member
    2523 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I agree with the other ladies: time to lay this friendship to rest.

    It would be nice if people could stay friends with all the same people forever, but most of the time, it just doesn’t happen. I only have one  best friend that I still talk to regularly since we became friends when we were 15. The rest? I say screw ’em.

    Their priorities changed, my priorities changed, and we just grew up in different ways. Kind of like what a previous poster said about romantic relationships: not every one we have is meant to last forever.

    It’s hard, breaking off friendships. But 100% of the time, if it don’t feel right, it ain’t right. I wouldn’t say, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore,” but distancing yourself will eventually get the point across.

    If they don’t like it, tough titty, kitty.

    If they keep harassing you or bothering you…really I would just block them on Facebook, and block their number. Then you won’t have to worry about it anymore. But of course, that’s what I do when I want to cut ties. Just makes things easier for me.

    Good luck!

    Post # 13
    Member
    3049 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    Wow, it sounds like it’s time to part ways with these friends. It’s ok to still be friendly, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to hang out with them. It seems like you have been handling things pretty well so far. I would just decline and say you have something else to do. They can take it as an excuse or not, but really it’s not your problem anymore. I couldn’t live in tension like that for the rest of my life. Somebody has got to move on sooner or later. It sucks to lose a long time friend, but y’all don’t do anything together as it is. So yea, I would just say thanks but no thanks, let’s move on and stop talking behind each other’s backs. As far as her wanting to be a a bridesmaid.. baha tha’s really funny! I’m not trying to be mean, but it seems like she should be the last one to be in the bridal party. Yea, she’s a long time friend… with numerous arguments/fights in between the “good times”. And the “good times” are just texts or random few minute hang outs. When people get engaged, girls go crazy to be in the bridal party. I never understood that though… if you’re not on good terms then why are you so desparate to be in the wedding? I dunno. Just some thoughts I had as I was reading this. Hope it all works out. But honestly, if it were me, I’d say “we can still remember the good times and be friendly towards each other… but we just can’t be around each other like we used to. Times have changed”.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    @vlbee:  You’re right, it will be hard to say, “No.”  BUT, in the end you will most likely feel relieved as time goes on.  Someone needs to be a adult and let go, and it seems like that is more to your abilities thant theirs. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Why does your “friend” need to know who’s invitation you received first?

    Post # 16
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    @Megan316: Because they are trying to control her and guilt trip her.  They are not friends.

    The topic ‘Need friend advice…long’ is closed to new replies.

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