Post # 1
I’ve been reading your boards over the last weeks and you all seem so helpful and I’d be very grateful for your advice.
My fiance asked me to marry him a couple of months ago. I said ‘yes’ but I had some doubts which have only magnified since. I’ll give you the back story – I hope it’s not too long!
We met a year ago and started dating. I was leaving my job and he asked me to come abroad to his country for a visit. A visit turned into a serious relationship which has not been without it’s huge bumps along the way. The biggest issue is that he’s never put effort into getting himself out there and earning proper money. He’s in his early thirties. It took a big push to get him to find a job in the first place.
I’m still living in his country, doing more than my fair share of the financials. He wants us to get married in the UK and work there but I’m not happy to do that as he literally doesn’t have a penny to get us there. I’ll be the one working to get us started until he gets a work visa and gets set up. I don’t have much of my savings left and I’m very worried.
I really feel my gut instinct is to leave him now. I feel let down and I don’t feel I can trust him to make things happen in his life, both for himself and for both of us. I feel as if our prospective marriage is based on thin air financially and I feel very, very insecure about it. I don’t feel good about myself in this situation.
I’d be so grateful for your advice. I think I know in my heart what I should do but it’s just very hard.
Post # 3
I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about money. Money is the #1 cause of divorce, and you need to be on the same page before going into the marriage. If you are having these serious doubts now, it may be smart to postpone the wedding until you can figure out what you want, where you want to live, and if you really do want to marry him.
Good luck! I know how hard this must be for you, but it’s smart to question now rather than later..
Post # 4
@abbie017: Thanks Abbie. Well, we’ve had the talk, talked again and again and again. He thinks money isn’t important and I do. He thinks things will just ‘work out’ and I don’t see it that way. It’s very difficult. I have postponed the wedding already. He is happy for us to start married life broke, in a shared flat in London with no honeymoon. I’m against all of that. There is total lack of planning. As I can’t work in this country I had thought he would really put effort in to helping us support ourselves here, but he hasn’t. I pay more for things for the house, food etc. I chose to do it, I know it’s my doing but I did think that he’d give back, do his part. I spent my savings because I saw it as investing in our relationship but now I just feel near to broke and dissapointed. As I write it all down it’s all looking clearer!
Post # 5
If money isn’t as important to him as it is to you then this needs to end. Like abbie said, it’s the #1 cause of divorce. Don’t put all the time and effort for a doomed future.
This is a sad thing to happen. I’m sorry for your situation. We are here to support you if you make this difficult decision.
Post # 6
I think you need to listen to your gut. However, does he realize that you feel this way – as in, that this is such a big problem for you that you are thinking of leaving him? Maybe he just needs a wake-up call that you are NOT going to start seeing things his way, and that he will lose you if he doesn’t start being more responsible. He might think that since you’re already engaged, you’re planning to be with him even if he doesn’t get himself together.
Post # 7
Thanks everyone, your advice is really helping. I actually already left once due to the same problem. I went back due to very sincere promises that things would get better. We talked last night and I was very frank with him and told him that I don’t trust him anymore, that his actions haven’t matched his promises and that I don’t feel that I can walk down the aisle with him. I told him that I’m no longer sure that I want to even be in a relationship with him as I feel so ground down by things and increasingly confused.
I think I’m finding all of this even harder because I’m in a foreign country with no family or good friends around me. Leaving means packing my life up, buying a plane ticket. It feels very nerve-wracking even though it’s what my gut instinct is telling me that’s what is the right thing.
Post # 8
I think money is VERY important, not as in having lots and lots of it but as in it is essential to have steady income and a financial plan to survive and succeed in life.
I see huge red flags here since you two are not on the same page with this.
Marriage is a big deal, are you comfortable dealing with his thoughts/ideas regarding money for the rest of your life? With kids? With you being the primary and maybe only breadwinner?
These are serious things to consider that will affect your future happiness in this relationship/marriage and your future financial stability for you and or you and future kids. I am glad that you are thinking this through now.
I hope that you make the best decision for YOU whatever that ends up being. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Post # 9
@Happy Hopeful Bee: Thanks very much. I just feel dread in my stomach when I think about getting married and being married to him. It’s such a shame but I feel that I can’t rely on him, that he’s not solid and that therefore we are not solid. He barely has any money to get through the month and I found out from him that he’s paying my engagment ring up on installments because he couldn’t afford it. It all seems such a mess. He doesn’t have any money to put toward the wedding, his flight to the UK, even the visa papers he would need. I’m not imagining that this is all really crazy am I?
Post # 10
I’m just so torn because there’s an emotional connection and he’s a really nice person, but it feels so wrong and nerve-wracking at the same time.
Post # 11
Every woman (yourself included) deserves a man that is responsible and a good provider. It may not be natural to him, he may not be the best at it, BUT every woman deserves a man that makes the effort to be responsible and contribute to your lives/future and makes preparation to take care of his wife and family.
My SO just this past weekend got into a similar topic where he confessed to me that he worries about money. We are not well off but we are not poor, we are both responsible adults with full time jobs, he does not have a huge savings account, but he has something, and it bothers HIM that he does not have as much money as he would comfortably like to start a life with me and be a good husband/father/provider.
Granted, I told him that I understand why he wants to “feel” financially secure BUT thats why I work and have a savings account too! Because at the end of the day marriage is a TEAM effort. And he and I are a team. I believe that both parties shoud make equal efforts regarding financial expenses/obligations (not equal monetary amounts necessarily, BUT equal efforts!) Note: My SO ex was a total freeloader, and so based on that experience I guess he expected the same with me even though I have always proven to be quite independent (which he has always said he appreciates so much).
The point is, I really feel that this TEAM element is missing from your relationship….
I know that your “emotional” connection is making this difficult for you and I can only imagine how much your heart hurts, but at the end of the day you need to make the smart choice, the right choice, the BEST choice for you.
The last thing you want to do is stay when you should go and end up with resentment and regret. You sound really unhappy and that is just awful. I pray you find the strength to do what you need to do (whatever that is…)
ETA: Also, trust and security are huge in a relationship, if you are having issues in this area, that is really not good. You have to be able to trust and depend on the person you spend the rest of your life with. You need to feel like you can trust him and depend on him to do whats best for BOTH of you. Seems like things are very one sided and you are carrying most of everything 🙁
Post # 12
Dear Very Supportive Bees,
Thanks for your advice. I decided to try again to talk to my fiance about our problems. He reacted by banging his head off the kitchen cupboards. I decided to leave a few days later and when I told him he went berserk, screaming, shouting and kicking our door. He then proceeded to call his family to our apartment and told them I was leaving for a short break and would be back – basically he was trying to intimidate me into agreeing to his plan. I realised what an emotionally and financially abusive relationship I’d been in and played along until I got on the plane. I’m now home in my own country with a very loving family. I just have to pick up the pieces of my life and start again.
Thanks for all your kind words. You helped me find some clarity and make what could be the most important decision of my life. xxx
Post # 13
@VeraAloe: Sounds like you escaped a very troubling situation. I am glad to read that you are safe, well and happy.