Post # 1
I am here for moral support and guidance. I need help breaking things off with a man I wanted to/had plans to marry. Long story short, he kept pressuring me into marriage when I was not ready at the 1 year mark. He began getting really verbally abusive, i.e. calling me a bitch in fights and really having a difficult time compromising on a lot of things. He’d apologize after cursing but it still left me with a bad vibe inside. Overall, I always felt that I wanted to see/speak with him more, while he was okay with distance but hardcore pursuing the idea of marriage early on. He had given me an ultimatum to marry him in the next few months, and if I don’t he is leaving for good. I really needed more time to decide if he was the one, as I was previously abandoned in a prior relationship.
My main concerns were regarding his sexuality and his anger issues. From the very beginning, when I first began seeing him, I had this gut feeling that he may be gay or bisexual at the very least. He never had a high sex drive; in fact we have never had sex because he wants to wait for marriage (religious background) though he is not a virgin. Before meeting me, he had a string of casual affairs for 2 years. Thes following were the things when put together made me feel this way: He has been to gay clubs a handful of times, sometimes has no issue talking about men’s looks (seems happy to talk about how so and so is attractive), voice changes to very soft spoken in some situations (very effeminate), something feels off when we have had intimate physical interactions (almost like he was acting- hard to explain, it just felt like he was forcing himself to sound turned, on or would always say ok we need to stop I’m gettting too turned on before going further), described a few anecdotes of gay men hitting on him & attempting to come onto him, his main party friend was gay, he thought his closest friend was gay when he first met him, and a few mannerisms like an occasional limp hand and slight lisp. Most the time though he seems/looks like a stereotypical straight man. I know some of these are stereotypes and I am not judgemental of other’s preferences. In fact, I even spent ample time considering a mixed orientation marriage if he was of a different orientation because I love him so much. Am I crazy or wrong for being suspicious because of these factors? Alone or a few it would be nothing, but combined does it create another image?? Am I crazy for throwing away something because of a conclusion based on these observations? I really appreciate honest opinions and no hurtful comments please. I really love him and the fact that I may never have a future with him anymore is making me spiral into a deep depression. I know there are other issues here, like him pressuring me and the verbal threats, but I just feel sad that I may be making a decision based on this factor which may or may not be true.
Thanks so much for any insight.
Post # 2
I don’t think it matters whether he is gay or not at this point.
He is verbally abusive and pressuring you into marriage-that is enough to know that this isn’t right
Post # 3
neverbeenstungbee : I know but I am really looking for feedback on that aspect of things. I know many couples fight, and I feel that he began acting verbally immature after he felt hurt that I might not want to marry him
Post # 4
idk2019 : No, you would be crazy to marry an angry gay man. I see a sexless marriage, and painful divorce in your future. Why would you settle for this guy? Do you think things will change when you’re married? Why not trust your instinct?
Post # 5
I do actually love him. I feel we have a special connection and despite his anger he does want to take care of me and have a family with me. He also has a really well paying elite job and would be a source of stability as I come from a low income background where I have and continue to work excpetionally hard days and little job security despite constantly on the hunt and working for a better secure career. I guess seeing that he wants it so badly makes me feel so guilty for having such major doubts. He also keeps saying that I never wanted to marry him and that he was just a rebound etc, which makes me feel even more worse. The truth is that I wanted for him to so badly be the one. I’m also nearing 30 and I feel that I might not meet many more guys.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
Words like… “despite his anger”, “source of stability”, “want him to be the one”, “I’m nearing 30 and may not meet many more guys”…
It sounds like you are coming from a place of fear/desperation and trying to force two puzzle pieces together.
The picture you are trying to paint in your mind is not the life reality you will experience.
I predict a lot of lessons and regret in your future if you marry this man who is pressuring you into this marriage. It doesn’t sound like he’s coming from a place of love. A loving man would not push you into it this way and would not mistreat you repeatedly.
You deserve better and you know that, stop going against your instincts out of fear.
And girl, you are only 30, you can still meet lots of guys!
Snap out of it!
Post # 7
idk2019 : We can’t help you decifer his sexual orientation. The only person who can answer those questions are your fiancé do I don’t see why you are asking us on here to help you prove or disprove your suspicions regarding that. We can however tell you you should never marry a man because you pressured into it and one who you have question marks as to how your relationship will play out in the future.
You can love lots of people but doesn’t mean they are the one you should commit to spending your life with. He has also shown signs of aggression and that is never good and something you should never commit to for a lifetime. Leave him now.
Post # 8
Perfectly said. I only hope OP realises it. If ever I saw a WB relationship doomed to failure this is the one.
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2019 - UK
istanbee : said it best, a man who truly loved you would never pressure you into such a huge commitment as marriage. The gay thing is another matter entirely but, as I have come to realise, you should never ignore your gut instinct as it is so often right (science has proven that this ‘sixth sense’ is actually based on things your subconscious mind has picked up on and stored). In this world of toxic masculinity it is very rare, although definitely not unheard of, for a heterosexual man to visit gay bars and/or regularly comment on other men’s looks, more often than not straight men would refrain from these behaviours out of fear of being accused of being gay, ironically.
Moreover, the fact that he is uncomfortable being intimate with you and wants to wait until marriage to have sex despite being intimate with previous partners in the past is a pretty big red flag for me. This massively reminds me of the story that recently went viral of a woman who married a man who wanted to wait until marriage to have sex only to be met with the fact that he had a micropenis and had kept it from her the entire time they were dating. It just seems as though your partner is hiding something. My advice? Proceed with caution.
Post # 10
Honestly, based on your post, I don’t see anything good in this relationship. Its quite concerning that his manipulation, attempts to control and verbal abuse of you don’t bother you in the least but his sexuality has you all up in arms?? Someone in your past has totally destroyed your self esteem if you believe this guy, who you already think is gay, is someone you’d even consider making a life with.
Did you notice that you’ve not provided any redeeming qualities that would make any of us believe he’s relationship material let alone the guy for you? He has shown a complete lack of respect for you and your wishes. It’s all about him and what he wants. I wouldn’t allow that from ANYONE gay, straight or otherwise.
Lets be real, I give 2 shits whether he’s gay or not…..how he treats another human being (ergo YOU)…THAT is what is relevant.
And for the record, I met my now husband at 44, married for the first time at 48…..there is life after 30 and plenty of guys who’d treat you 10 times better…..you need to start believing you deserve it. Oh and go with your gut.
Post # 11
Please do not marry this guy! Whether he is gay, straight, or bi – he sounds like a jerk and this doesn’t sound like a relationship worth saving. You are ONLY 30! That is so young and not any reason to tie yourself to a bad relationship. I will be 40 when I walk down the aisle next year and I am so happy that I never settled for a crap relationship for fear I would be alone in my 30’s.
Post # 12
Read #2 on this article:
You are mourning the man you WANTED to have, not who he IS. We can’t wish someone to be a certain way. That’s out of our control. You don’t need any excuses on why he may be gay or any other reason to move on. If it’s not right, then GO. You don’t need his permission or ours.
Post # 13
Pressuring you into marriage is a classic abuser move. He wants you locked down so he can really let the mask slip. If he’s this bad now, I shudder to think what your future with him holds.
He verbally abuses you. He does not have ‘anger issues’. He is not ‘verbally immature’. He is an abuser. This is guaranteed to escalate.
He emotionally abuses you via blackmail: marry me or I’m outta here! You should be so lucky.
For some reason, you feel the need to channel all of your doubts about him into questions about his sexual orientation; the least important variable in this equation.
This guy is dangerous. That’s the reason to dump him like radioactive waste. Stop listening to him. He’s going to gaslight you and feed you Word Salad, all to make you feel confused and off balance. He needs to have you questioning your own perceptions.
The reason you feel a ‘special connection’ is because you have developed a traumatic bond. Those bonds are harder to break than healthy ones. Dr Patrick J Carnes describes this process in his book, The Betrayal Bond. I recommend it.
The only healthy resolution here is to end this nightmare and go No Contact.
Post # 14
Your title says you need help calling things off immediately. But in your responses, it seems like you’re trying to justify his behavior. Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you from ending things. The unknown is much better than the future you know you will have with this person if you stay.
Post # 15
Good grief. You are trying to build a pretty sandcastle in a windstorm.
This man is not for you and in your heart you very well know it, so do something about it.