- 7 months ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Get…out…now. Of course you will be devastated…for awhile.
Get…out…now. Of course you will be devastated…for awhile.
The only reason you want to marry him is for his money?? I don’t think you’re thinking this through. You’d essentially be living a lie, but that doesn’t matter because “security” ? I can’t say if he’s gay or not (and I find it pretty offensive to post on a forum asking randos if they think he is), but he’s verbally abusive and pressuring you into marriage. Neither of those are good qualities in a partner.
idk2019 : Never marry a man because you’re worried about your age or because they have money. That kind of marriage will be unhappy and end in divorce. If he’s secretly gay, as you make it seem, I doubt you’ll get the family you want out of him either.
Marriage should be because you’ve found someone who makes you unbelievably happy, who’s compatible with you, who you see yourself with forever, and who you have no major doubts or red flags about. Marrying someone for the reasons you state is a sign of a huge insecurity that likely needs therapy.
I only had to read your first paragraph to know this guy is NOT the guy you want to marry! Anyone who pressures you into doing anything you are not ready for and verbally attacks you and calls you terrible names is not anyone you should give your time, effort, and affection to. Do you really want to spend your life with someone like this? It sounds like he has massive issues and you’re always going to be the scapegoat. Nothing good can come from being with someone like this. Yes, many couples do fight, my husband and I fight sometimes, but the day he starts pressuring me into doing things I don’t want to do or calling me bitch all the time and has anger issues and throws constant guilt trips on me…I’d be out the door so fast. I couldn’t deal with or live with someone this narcississtic.
This man is verbally abusive, manipulative (threatening to leave if you don’t marry him, telling you that you never wanted to marry him so you’d feel pressured to prove him wrong), you have a bad/non-existent sex life, he doesn’t respect your feelings & boundaries.
I understand that this man could make your life much more financially comfortable and you claim to love him. But what about this relationship is so enjoyable?? I know when I feel pressured to do something, it adds so much tension that it ruins the whole experience for me. So I guess I don’t understand how you can feel loved by a man who doesn’t respect your feelings & boundaries.
This has the markings of a miserable marriage. Whether he is gay or not… which is, quite frankly, the LEAST of your issues. This is not the man for you and you need to realize how much more you deserve so you can see that for yourself.
If this relationship is not already abusive, it has several red flags of one that is heading that way.
He has *anger issues” which somehow become *your* responsibility to accept and manage.
He is wealthy and you come from a low income background, which makes you particularly vulnerable to accepting abusive behaviour because he can always guilt you into forgiveness by reminding you that he’s the reason you’re no longer poor.
He blames you and you accept blame for incompatibility issues between you.
You need to leave. You’ll never be happy in this relationship and it has nothing to do with whether he is a attracted to men or not.
I really don’t want to say anything negative because it’s clear you love him very much. However, a lot of religious people get married or get into relationships to cover the suspicions of their homosexuality from their families. A close friend of mine who is from an african background is gay. He hasn’t come out to his family and never will. He always used to bring me along to his family gatherings and tell his family that I was his girlfriend.
If he can’t control his anger and he’s a dick then he’s got to go. You deserve respect and no man should be acting that way with any woman. What the hell is with him and the name calling? Also, I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t like ultimatums – you shouldn’t be pressured/forced to get married in some weird time frame to anyone or he is “going to leave you.” Ummm no. If a guy loves you he’d hold his horses.
Also in terms of the gay thing – if you are thinking he’s gay there’s a chance he might be and perhaps is covering up that he is gay and getting into a relationship with a woman to further cover that. If he is gay and you marry him and he decides to come out down the line, that marriage will wind up in a divorce anyway.
Bottom line: If you are seeing red flags and you are getting second thoughts – do not marry this man. Follow your heart.
Bee, I think he should not be pushing you. Why being in such a hurry, when you have your whole life in front fo you? Reading through your answer, he argues that you should want to marry him now as kind of a prove that you love him? And otherwise you don’t love him enough in his eyes? This sounds really off. Pressuring you after (in my eyes) little time is not right.
From your answers you also seem to be very open about his possible sexual orientation. Have you spoken to him about it? While it seems that it doesn’t really matter to you if he’s bi or not, I totally understand that you want to know your partner better before getting married. And he should respect that. But you have to decide if you want to communicate him your boundaries and standing up for yourself and your feelings, with the risk of him leaving you, or if you want to go through with it anyways and eventually going to find out things when you’re married. Just adding that you’re not too old for anything! Would it be worse for you if you’d marry him and going to have a divorce in some years than starting to look for someone else now?
Interesting to notice that a man giving an ultimatum is an abuser, where as a woman doing the same is not.
OP, what your relationship clearly lacks is good communication. Are you scared of him? Can you talk to him from your heart? Now you have nothing to loose, so may be you two can finally talk. Ask HIM all the questions you have in a non-confrontational way. Why does he want to get married so quickly and doesn’t want to wait? Is he gay or bi-sexual? Why is he waiting with you but had no problem being active before? You will have your answers one way or another.
The signs you describe don’t screem gay to me. I know enough of straight man with such charachter. They can usually be very romantic on the upside. Also, it’s not that hard to find out if you really turn him on that much. Just slide your hand along his body or stand really close at the right moment.
sweetale : “Interesting to notice that a man giving an ultimatum is an abuser, where as a woman doing the same is not.”
In the first place, people are suggesting that his behavior is abusive not merely (or even at all) because of the threats about marriage. Secondly, this is more than an ultimatum, in which a person says, “I will not remain in a relationship indefinitely without marriage.” This is an emotionally-manipulative threat that he’s making–and that in addition to his verbal ABUSE. Thirdly, when women come on here and huff and puff about their boyfriends not being ready to marry them in a YEAR of dating, many of the Bees absolutely DO tell them to slow down, and many of the Bees DO note that a desire for WOMEN to get married so quickly suggests that they’re looking for something other than marriage to the person with whom they’re truly in love (i.e. their desires for marriage aren’t emotionally healthy ones).
So stop worrying about some alleged double standard of the Bees and start concerning yourself with the fact that OP has noted a number of abusive and manipulative behaviors from this man.
My daughters father was emotionally and verbally abusive to me. He also had a great job and seemingly “had it all”, but it didn’t matter because of how horribly he treated me. No amount of money can make you feel loved and complete. And imagine raising kids around that!
The gay thing is an entirely separate issue. I think you know the right choice in your heart. You’re still young. My ex left me at 27 (for another woman, shocker). But it was the best thing that could have happened and at 29 I’m now engaged to the love of my life. My now fiancé is a blue collar guy and we are not nearly as financially secure as I was with my ex. But you know what? I’m happy, he treats me better than any man ever has, and I don’t give a shit how much money he makes. I’d rather be in a shack with him than a mansion with my ex.
sorry for the weird font. Mobile issues!
I feel for you. I grew up with a father who is still very emotionally and verbally abusive not only to my mother, but now to my sister and I. My father also has it all and is good at putting on a mask, but it never mattered because our home was never a happy place.
When I met my husband at 20, I knew he was just a regular guy in terms of finances and honestly? He’s the kindest person and I’m so much happier in my life now without everyone screaming and yelling. Money doesn’t mean anything the people who say they love you, hurt you more. coffeewaterwine89 :