Post # 1
I need some advice on dealing with my brother in law “P”. I need to explain P for you to fully understand the situation. He is a special needs adult. He is 23 years old, he can read and and speak like an adult but he has the brain of a 10 year old at best. Complete with endless rude remarks, lack of manners, complete inability to organize or complete tasks without constant hand holding. I used to teach junior high I am totally fine with 10 year old boys, but the fact that he will not/can not learn basic things like manners is where my temper falls short. Also my in-laws refuse to believe he needs any sort of special help so he is left to wander around town all day with no real direction or purpose.
Before having baby I never really enjoyed P’s company but I saw him so rarely that it was easy enough for me to smile and nod and at least be polite in conversation. I was also very busy at that point. Now my only real job is to hang out with baby for a few months. P doesn’t really have a job, (no one will hire him because he drives everyone crazy and you have to explain simple tasks to him multiple times and he still won’t do them.) He knows I am home with baby now so he stops by 5 or 6 times a day. Some days he is helpful and will make trips to the store for me to pick up bread , milk ect, but lately he has become overbearing. When he stops by I try to make polite conversation and keep him busy with small tasks he can do. A few days ago he took 6 hours to clean the bathroom and when he left it took me two hours to put everything back (he removed everything from every drawer and shelf and cleaned the shelves but put nothing back) He causes endless amounts of extra work for me by doing things that I ask him not to do and doing them incorrectly so I have to undo and redo them. He is incredibly unmindful and breaks things constantly but never helps fix them or cleans the mess. I talked to DH about how I feel but he thinks I am over reacting and won’t say anything to him.
I am currently hiding in the bedroom because P is knocking on the door and I want him to think I’m not home. I don’t want to be a prisoner in my own house, he is technically my family now so I have to be nice to him but I have no idea what to do. Any bees out there have ideas to deter excess visits without being overly rude?
Post # 2
Does he have keys to your house? If so, why?
Post # 3
globalmargaret: Say you’re worn out and need to have some alone time with the baby. Are you willing to set up a date maybe once/week with him, where he can help you?
Post # 4
My FI told me just last week after almost three years of dating, he has a niece who is fourteen years old and has been mute. I told him it is nothing to be embarrassed about because my mom told us when we were younger, Everyone has somebody in their family who has a disability. I have a second cousin who was mute and never walked and lied on her gurney her whole life.
Now, if you feel like your BIL is going to do bodily harm to you or your child you need to call the police. He probably is excited you are a part of the family.
Deal with it. You have bigger fish to fry and he is not one of them and thank God is not you with that disability.
Post # 5
what exactly is he saying or doing that is rude to you? I mean is he expressing flatuence in your presence. If you worked with children and he has a child like mind then this should be easy. some of the bees should be coming to you for help. If he is being rude, politely say, those comments are not allowed here and I think it is time for you to go home.
Post # 6
globalmargaret: I’d set some limits with him regarding how often he is stopping by. Why don’t your in laws have him in some type support programming? Most counties have services for DD adults.
Post # 7
what I gathered from the Op is that the husband or brother does not see him as a problem, so I doubt the inlaws or parents would either. correct me if I am wrong Op. I always apologize for my grammar errors it is because I am on my android.
Post # 8
So he’s dropping around 5 or 6 times a day. No wonder you are frazzled. (When I originally read your post I read it as 5 or 6 times a week and I thought that was excessive.)
Tell your husband that this is too much and that you feel trapped in your own home. Your responsibility is your baby rather than your BIL. Your BIL is his parents’ responsibility. A visit no more than once a week is appropriate right now. Put your foot down. Your baby is your priority.
I think that you may want to plan the once a week visit carefully. You might want to give you BIL jobs to do or you might want to go for a walk or you might go to a cafe or the zoo or a museum. Or you might simply have a 30 minute chat. Or you invite your BIL around for dinner once a week when both you and your husband are in. Maybe your husband needs to occasionally do jobs with his brother or have his weekday lunchbreak with his brother.
The other thing to do is to explore local services / organisations to get support for your BIL. He needs to have things to do, places to go and new people to meet.
Be pleasant but firm with your MIL and FIL. The present situation cannot continue. Once a week is what you are prepared to deal with at the moment.
Post # 9
globalmargaret: This is not a brother-in-law problem. This is a husband problem.
Your husband must be the one to deal with this, telling his brother – or with his brother’s carers – that this is unacceptable and needs to change. Tell your husband that BIL can ONLY visit when your husband is present, i.e. in the evenings or on weekends. Have your husband have HIS time interrupted and see how he likes it.
If husband refuses to act, then just don’t answer the door when BIL comes. Or fake an excuse that he can’t come in right now – tell him to come around at 7pm when you’re husband is home.
Again, this is a husband problem. He needs to man up and take your side.
Post # 10
you really need to talk to your husband. you cannot feel trapped in your own house! those types of negative emotions will project onto your baby. 🙁
Post # 11
Personally, if brother in law is leaving big messes, leave them for your husband to clean them up. He is refusing to see the problem, so show him the problem. Let him know that you are busy trying to raise your child, that you cannot clean up after and take care of an adult child.
Post # 12
Following up my earlier post, I think the way to get DH to notice is to somehow get BIL to come when DH is home. Let’s say DH gets home at 6pm. So you should tell her BIL when he knocks, “Sorry, I’m busy, but we’d love you to come around at 6pm when DH is home” (and not let him in). Do this every time and see how DH likes it. Or even if he does like it, at least it will be his time taken up, not just yours.
Caring for baby in the day is your job. How would your DH like it if his brother dropped in his workplace several times a day?
Post # 13
Just because bil drops by doesn’t mean you have to let him in.Two him you aren’t up for visitors or that now isn’t a good time. Then hhe can come back when dh is home.If he is helping you try to give him simple instructions.
Post # 14
I agree with PP’s. I was in a similar situation with an ex-fiance wherein I had to have an honest-to-God conversation with FMIL and Fiance about the issue at hand. Sometimes the family members who have grown up with this in their everyday lives do not see how it affects people who have no history with adults with disabilities. There is no reason to be mean about the situation (I don’t feel that you will be), but there is a way to be firm and honest about your tolerance of the situation. There is no reason that you should have your time taken up by someone who is more than applicable for a program that can both entertain him and educate him on manners and basic human actions. I hope that you have good luck and I hope you take a moment to breathe.
Post # 15
…so you told P to clean your bathroom, didn’t check on him for six hours, and got upset that it took you two hours to clean the bathroom that you should have cleaned in the first place???
I fail to see your problem.