(Closed) Need help fast….Husband vs Mom

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would tell her that while things have been a certain way for a while, that now that you are married, things must change.  She must ask first before she comes over, and if she wants to remove her pool from your yard, then so be it.

Stand firm, and repeat if necessary. She is going to be hurt, lash out, and p;ossibly stop speaking to you for a time. You must be prepared to deal with this. She might also resent your husband because he is the reason for all this, and she knows that.

Then, I would think about looking for a new place to live, if you can. In the meantime, change the locks so she can’t come and go as she pleases

Post # 5
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh no 🙁 I really understand because I am super close to my family too.

Try to put yourself in your husband’s shoes. What if his family were overstepping? Invading your privacy? (Probably how he sees it, but I know your mom isn’t trying to be malicious).

As for what to say to her? It’s a tough one but just gently ask her to call first before visiting? Start small? Or if you are VERY close to her and can tell her anything, tell her the truth! “Husband loves you, mom, but he’s not used to our family dynamic and I know he feels such and such a way and I don’t want to hurt you”. She hopefully will end your fears on the spot!

Also, if you used to “hang out” a lot, start a date night with mom! Once every two weeks, no fail. It will show her you want to hang out and it will show hubby you want to appease his wishes for more privacy!?

Post # 6
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I do think you need to set boundaries. This isnt about choosing one over the other but about respecting your husbands feelings and your mom respecting your new life and relationship.

I suspect its a lot more than just swimming in your pool so ask him to list 10 things he would like your mom to change- Then try to come up with those boundaries that encompass the worst of them. If the only thing she did that was over-bearing was swimming, I suspect he wouldnt say anything at all

So maybe its 

1) you can swim whenever you want without an invitation as long as we are not in the pool already and its between the hours of 9-5.

2) You can not come into our house unannounced, you must call ahead of time to ensure we want company

etc.

You tell her that you are a grown adult now and you really want to live a life with your husband as an adult. You love her and your relationship, but somethings need to change so that your house and life is your own, not a shared life with your mom.

Maybe make a standing appt each week for coffee on Saturday mornings so she knows she will see you every week- just you two- to chat and catch up. She is probably going to be insulted and maybe even afraid of the change that it might grow you two apart, so if you address that ahead of time itll help aleve her fears. Or maybe its grocery shopping together on Sundays, or a Sunday dinner at your house etc.

Create new habits/traditions to replace the old ones.

Post # 7
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

Why DID you move next door to her? By doing that, she probably thinks you wanted to be as close to her as you’ve always been, so it makes it easier for her to continue on as she always has. By trying to change things now, of course she’ll be hurt, but she should understand.

Do YOU find it annoying or is just him?

Post # 8
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@MrsSl82be: <– agree!

You need to explain to your mom that even aside from your husband not liking it… it’s not good for your marraige, or any marriage really, and that now you’re grown and have a family of your own (which is you & him) and that you have to nurture and take care of that.You love her company, and advice, and wisdom but it needs to move from something she gives freely to something that is asked for or scheduled.

She’s likely to get really upset and take her pool back, hold anything done over your head, and try guilting you about her not getting to come over as she wants anymore. Just stick to your guns and like MrsSl82be said… repeat.

Her hurt is going to come more from not getting her way than anything… and the fact that she’s not being fulfilled by her husband is what will be the root of the resentment. She’ll put off that the reason is b/c of your husband, but really it’s just another outlet for her to deflect what her real issues are.

We’ve gone through this with Mother-In-Law and I can say that it was really hard at first.. she did all the things that have been mentioned above… BUT it has gotten much better. So now things are healthy AND getting happy.

Goodluck

Post # 10
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Are you planning to stay next to your mom’s house or are you planning to move in the future?

Post # 11
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can see why your husband would see it as annoying, your married,living together and independant and relying on just each other. If you live next door to your mum he probably wont see that happening.

If you email your mom, I would make it clear that you still want an active,loving relationship and as PP posters said have time together once a week (I like the idea of her coming over for dinner one night a week,it will bring you all closer and satisfy her feeling included) And explain that you need and want to really focus on your new marriage together, then just re-affirm that you could have one night together,so she doesnt just focus on any bad points and get hugely upset.

I hope this works out for you hun!

The topic ‘Need help fast….Husband vs Mom’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors