Need help- FI has extremely strange problem

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
1669 posts
Bumble bee

purpleokapi :  In the examples I had in mind, it was the idea of the introverts for the dinner to happen at all, so they weren’t compromising by attending, they instigated the thing. 

Most people don’t enjoy small talk chatter with strangers, even most extroverted people, and dislike it. The chunk of people in the world who really relish it are a minority. I get that it’s extra exhausting for introverts, but nearly all of my close female friends and FH are rather introverted, and they have all learned how to make small talk when need be and manage it as their lives have an endless series of occasions where they need to be able to do it in order to function socially. If you’re the one person who stands off in the corner in silence at every work social event, or who sits in silence at work dinners, it doesn’t work, and most people, even extroverts, will tell you they don’t like going to work events because it’s socially stressful.  



Post # 33
88 posts
Worker bee

It sounds to me like extreme social anxiety. I think he may need to see a psychiatrist to come up with some strategies for social situations.

Post # 34
9 posts

I’m an introvert and can only shake my head at a lot of advice I see on this thread. Introversion and extreme social anxiety are not one and the same. Introversion – a personality trait, extreme social anxiety – a form of mental illness, when your loved one is suffering from mental illness the worst thing you can do for them is to follow the “don’t fix them, let them be” advice, it would be equivalent to washing your hands of them. From what you described it sounds like he has a serious problem that needs to be addressed for his own good.

Another thing you should be aware of is that in Middle Eastern cultures it is not common to address mental health issues, it’s considered embarrassing for the person and his family to admit that there is a problem. I lived in the area for many years and well familiar with this mentality.

Your questions on how to handle your fiance would probably be best answered on a mental health forum. Good luck, I wish you and him happiness in your future lives together.

Post # 35
200 posts
Helper bee

tiffanybruiser :  +1,000!

Just because PPs can identify the issue doesn’t mean it isn’t strange…

Also plenty of introverts (myself included) can suck it up and stay through and even enjoy a wedding where we don’t know anyone. Small talk is an essential part of life beyond weddings, and by nature can be learned easily as it is so shallow. “How do you know [groom/bride]” always works, for example. 

There’s a difference between appreciating silence and leaving after cocktail hour…

Post # 36
1749 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

girlfromtexas1088 :  He’s not broken lol. He’s just an introvert! And he may open up over time. He may not. Either way, there’s nothing wrong with him. Just be the social butterfly you are, and let him be the wallflower he is. Opposites attract, and there’s nothing more attractive than somebody loving their partner for exactly who they are.

Post # 37
14 posts

tiffanybruiser :  What job does your husband have where he’ll be penalized for attending work events without his spouse? What do single people who work there do?

Darling Husband and I are both introverts, me much more so than him. My career requires occasional attendance at social events. His doesn’t. Like you, I get through it by gritting my teeth and forcing myself to behave in a manner extroverts find acceptable, because I’m an adult and doing so is necessary for me to obtain things I want. I don’t expect him to accompany me, because I know he wouldn’t enjoy it. He’s free to come if he wants, but he usually doesn’t, and I don’t blame him. I decided that enduring this requirement was worth it for the career I wanted, but I don’t have the right or the desire to inflict that choice on him.

There’s a big difference between being willing and able to get through something as a condition of your employment, and wanting to do it for fun in your free time. It’s not so much a question of whether he can (though that may, in his case, be a legitimate issue), but whether he should be expected to. I don’t think “You should make yourself uncomfortable so that others aren’t made uncomfortable by your presence” is a reasonable thing to say to a person whose preferred action – staying home – would have made no one uncomfortable.

Post # 38
7865 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

purpleokapi :  No, there is no penalty for my husband if I don’t attend work-related social events with him. He works in a public position that involves a lot of schmoozing with donors and stuff, think dinner parties and fundraisers that most people attend as couples. But certainly no outright penalty.

Does it take the threat of a penalty to get you to do something you don’t 100% feel like doing?

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