- 4 years ago
- Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016
I’ve been really reluctant to post on here, because it’s kind of embarrassing and seems sort of like a juvenile issue, but I really feel hopeless and I need an outsider’s insight/advice.
I’ve been with my FI since we were 17 (we’re turning 23 in Feb) and we’ve always had a great relationship with lots of open communication and we’ve always been extremely compatible. We both went to college and university in the same city and lived together there for three years in a condo without any major issues. In May we bought our first house with the help of my parents and have been living together for almost four years. During my last two years of university I was very sick with an undiagnosed chronic illness and my FI was super supportive. He he took me to all my monthly appointments & tests, he took me to get my blood taken every couple of weeks, he drove me to campus and picked me up so that I wouldn’t have to take the bus, he supported us when I wasn’t able to work… Basically, he’s usually a very thoughtful, considerate, and selfless person.
In May he got his first full-time job and works about 40 hours a week (M-F 8:30am-5:50pm). I work about 5-8 hours on weekends at my part-time job as a cashier and I work about 25 hours during the week on schoolwork (I’m a full-time student doing a post-grad degree online). We basically live off of his income and mine is just ‘extra’.
I guess the problem is that I feel overworked and underappreciated. My FI is usually very thoughtful, but ever since we moved into our house and he got this new job, he’s been different. On average, I do 100% of the cleaning (including ironing all his dress clothes for work, which I hate haha) and 90% of the cooking. I also handle our finances, budget, and taxes. I have supper ready for him when he gets home and I almost always have lunch ready for him when he comes home for lunch. I feel bad thinking this, but I feel like his mom sometimes. His mom passed away when he was 13 and his dad didn’t really ‘raise’ him after that. He had to do ‘adult’ things really quickly and sometimes I feel like since he missed out on having a mom, he relies on me to be the ‘adult’ and parent type figure. Also, his dad would basically make whoever “worked less hours” do the majority of the chores and used work as an exemption for helping around the house. In my family, we were always a ‘team’ and since work was just a part of life, you were expected to still help out and weren’t exempt from contributing just because you worked. The funny thing is, I never really had to do chores growing up and now I do them all the time. I don’t like cleaning, but it has to get done and if I don’t do it, who will?
I understand I’m home all day, which is why I take on the bulk of the cleaning, but I would just appreciate a little bit of help – especially when I have to do extra studying for an exam or I have extra shifts at work. I just wish he would pick up the slack. I would even just appreciate two chores a week like taking the garbage/recycling out and doing dishes after supper once a week. Maybe I’m expecting too much and since I’m home it should just be me doing chores? I don’t know if maybe I’m greedy…
I’ve tried a chore chart, positive reinforcement, asking him to do things, not asking him to do things, etc. I’ve even gone on ‘strike’ and he honestly didn’t seem to notice. The whole strike thing backfired, because I had double to clean later since it piled up aha. I just don’t know how to get him to help out. I know that I don’t work as much as him (which he sometimes reminds me of 🙁 ), but it’s not like I’m sitting around doing nothing all day. I put a ton of time into my school and all of my ‘breaks’ are spent cleaning or cooking. I guess I just resent that he gets to have breaks when he’s done work, but my work never seems to end. I just feel so lonely, overwhelmed, and hopeless. I’ve explained this to him and he says he’ll change, but he hasn’t. He’s been saying he’ll get ‘better’ for the past eight months!
The other thing that bothers me is the lack of appreciation and quality time. My “love languages” are quality time and acts of service! It bothers me that #1 he doesn’t do any “acts of service” by completely ignoring things that need to be cleaned or saying he’ll do chores and then not fully completing them and #2 when he comes home from work he’s “too tired” to talk to me and have “quality time” and just wants to watch TV and fall asleep on the couch. This isn’t the person I got engaged to! I figured that it was just him adjusting to his job when this kind of stuff first started happening, but now that it’s been so long I just feel so lonely in my relationship and like I’m not a priority. I’m so envious that his coworkers get to talk to him all day and then by the time he comes home he doesn’t have ‘energy’ to talk to me. I understand being exhausted after work, but can’t he spend 30 minutes talking with me at some point during the night?! I spend way more than that cooking for him 🙁
When we argue, it’s mainly him saying that I’m too cranky all the time and frustrated. I usually attribute this crankiness to the fact that I get absolutely no help at all. It’s like he gets to be relaxed and stress free because I always have to be ‘grown up’ enough for the both of us. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to marry him, but I also worry about how things will be when we both have full-time jobs or kids. I guess I just never feel like he is grasping my point and it kind of makes me hopeless for the future. Or maybe I’m overreacting and I really should just be doing all of the cooking and cleaning when I’m not busy with school or work.
Sorry, I know that was long. I basically just had to get it off my chest and maybe some of you can offer advice or your perspective. Maybe some of you can even relate? Thanks if you made it to the end!