NEED HELP!!! FMIL &FFIL NOT HELPING WITH WEDDING!!!

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 47
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@bfh426:you wouldnt be surprised unless you thought/assumed they were going to fork over some money 

Post # 48
Member
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I don’t comment very often but when I do I only comment when someone needs a little encouragement.  Reading some posts lately have made me wonder why I bother to join a message board in the first place because people tend to be overly critical or just rude. Everyone has to remember that when reading a response it may not be taken the way you intend it to.  Tone and sarcasm are hard to pick up in text form. With that said…

I think we got the point that most people believe that the bride and groom are expected to pay for their own weddings nowadays, so we don’t have to keep saying it.  I’ve noticed alot of wedding related posts are vents, might not make sense to everyone but I know when I get mad, no matter how irrational it may seem, just getting it out in the open helps.  So getting on someone for feeling the way they feel just seems in poor taste and not very productive.  If you don’t agree, don’t post? Doesn’t seem very hard to me.  I apologize if this offends anyone but she was simply asking for people who have been in similar situations to comment, not for people to put her down.

Post # 49
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

While you’re obviously emotional, it IS NOT the job of your Future Father-In-Law & Future Mother-In-Law to pay for their son’s (second) wedding.  It’s unclear why you would expect them to help if they didn’t pay the first time around.  I’m sure you’ve heard that history is the best predictor of the future.  With that in mind, try not to feel bad, and try to let it go.

If your FI’s family REALLY  hasn’t said ANYTHING about contributing, you may want to have him mention casually that the two of you are working on the budget and would like to know if they wanted to help out in any way.  You might want to have specific items and price ranges ready for suggestions if they say that they are open to the idea, but haven’t considered it fully. (Perhaps they would want to pay for the photographer or DJ/band.  Or the traditional rehersal dinner.) If your Fiance is opposed to asking, or if his parents tell him “no, we love you, but the wedding is your responsibility” then you have your answer and the issue is over.

Remember – traditionally the groom’s family ONLY hosted the rehearsal dinner.  And in modern times even that isn’t always the case.

It’s disappointing and hurtful that your Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law have said that you shouldn’t count on them to attend pre-wedding events, but you didn’t mention if there are any issues that might contribute to that comment.  I think you might want to focus on that issue rather than the money one.  A relationship with your future family is far more valuable than a donation to the wedding fund.

Post # 50
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

There are a lot of issues wrapped up in the original post, unfortunately…  I think several posters have done a good job at unwrapping some of the issues.

Issue 1 is that his family does not want to be involved or come to your parties.  Issue one has led to hurt and then that has seemed to spil over into resentment about them not offering to pay as well.

I think you need to look at it from a different perspective for a minute.  Their son got married once and it failed.  They probably have a lot of hurt and feelings left over from that.  They can love you like crazy cakes, but that still doesn’t exclude them from being worried about their son or perhaps even protecting themselves from hurt a second time.  The human psyche works in weird ways!

As for the money, wrapping that into the personal issues makes things so much more complicated than they need to be.  I know you don’t need to hear any more personal antecdotes about how you should be grateful for what you are getting.  But really, you are in a great financial situation for your wedding.  So much better to put your emotional capital in areas where it is really needed, such as in talking with and reassuring your in-laws. 

Who knows, maybe the first warning signs with first wife were when they started planning the wedding and so now they are really scared to see what might happen with you in this time?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors