Post # 1
I unfortunately just found out that an immediately family member was raped last night. She lives a couple states away and it would take either a 10+ hour drive or a few hundred dollar flight out to her. No problem at all. Unfortunately she does not want any of her family to come out because she says she can “handle it” on her own. She has only lived there for a few months and has no one. We should definitely go to see her, right??!
Post # 3
@Monkey786: That is so horrible! I’d say it depends how close you are to her. I’ve never been in that situation (thankfully), but I think if I was,I would say the same thing. Because I would not one a dozen relatives hanging around, feeling sorry for me, and having to repeat what happened etc. But I would quietly ask one or two of my closet friends or family to come down to support me. I would say send her a private email/facebook message letting her know that you heard the horrible news and are there for her 100%. Let her know that you would jump on the next plane to see her if she wants you to. But that you understand that might not be what she wants right now, so unless she asks you to come, you will be thinking of her from afar.
Post # 4
I would make the trip. To me even though she is saying not too, she really wants someone there, even if only to take her mind off of it.
Post # 5
I would say she shouldn’t be alone right now. It would be nice if someone was there with her.
Post # 6
I wouldnt hesitate! i wish you all the best, you are such a good friend/family member for being there for her! thinking of you both
Post # 7
@Monkey786: I think you should express to her how much you love her and want to support her, and assure her that if she wants you there for company, just to hang out and cook her some yummy food, to watch movies, or to go shopping, or WHATEVER she’d prefer, all she has to do is say the word. She has just had consent taken away from her — I don’t think it would benefit her to have you dismiss her insistence that she can get through this on her own.
Post # 8
That is a really horrible thing to go through – I’ve been there, unfortunately – but it can also be an intensely personal thing. How did you find out this happened? Did she tell you herself, or did you get this information secondhand? Are you guys close? Any idea if she’s gone to the police or what steps she’s taken? Hard for me to say whether or not you should go without knowing a bit more.
And like I think someone else just said…I wouldn’t take her no to mean yes. Even though my sexual abuse ended some time ago, it still affects me to where I get really angry and upset in certain situations when I tell someone no and they decide I don’t really mean it.
Post # 9
It is really great that you’re ready to be so supportive of her in any way possible. I would encourage you to hold off on showing up at her house if she’s not ready for visitors. If I was sexually assaulted, I would have a very specific group of people that I would want to be around or disclose details of the rape to. I would email/call her to let her know that you support her 100%, and want to support her in any way that you can, even if it means asking other family members to back off a bit or providing her with links to a crisis counselor.
Post # 10
Sorry to hear this 🙁
She definitely needs someone there with her, but probably not too many people as she is probably overwhelmed with emotion right now.
Post # 11
I’m so sorry OP, that is awful 🙁 I agree with PPs in that she needs someone who is close to her there but also doesn’t need to be overwhelmed and needs her space at the same time. I would probably react like her and tell everyone they don’t need to come but would hope my sister or best friend would come regardless.
Post # 12
Right now I think it is best to respect what she is saying and give power and control back to her by respecing her wishes, even if you don’t think it’s in her best interest or what she really wants. She said no visitors. No means no. Please don’t further victimize her by going against her wishes and assuming her no meant yes and she really did want someone to visit.
Just let her know you are there for her when or if she needs anything.
Post # 13
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
I would go. If once there, she really really really doesn’t want you there, then you could leave. But I’d go immediately.
Post # 14
we are going. she said she just wants to forget it happened and move on, which i know is hard to do. we are just going to go to a hotel, she knows we will be around if she wants a familiar face– even just to go to dinner or a movie- not to ask questions.